menopausal bi-polar witch babbling

2009-07-17T23:01:00.002-05:00

The Apocolypse is upon us!!!!

The signs -

1 - and she ordered the t-shirt online - July 4th, due to arrive in 4-6 weeks...it arrived today!

2 - she ordered the Garden Guide online - July 5, Back ordered, due to arrive in 6 weeks, received 2 on July 14.

3 - The Biggest and most profound sign of them all......she did laundry and ALL THE SOCKS CAME BACK!!!!!!!!!! That's right, not one missing and two that had been missing reappeared!

What would life be like without rhethorical questions?

Isn't life just one of those things?

Sure there are lots of things in life more important than money. But why do they all end up costing you money too?

When you can't see the bright side of life is it possible to polish the dull side?

Is the biggest ever decision in life to look or to look away? And if you choose to look away are you not still looking?

Sometimes don't you just feel like you're diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

Isn't the hardest thing in life knowing which bridge to cross and which to burn?

Don't you think that life is like a Lamborghini? Afterall it ages too fast and it costs too much doesn't it?

If you want to have your outlook in life enlarged why would you go to a shrink?

2009-07-06T17:48:00.004-05:00

Ok, I'm domestically challenged, but this is ridicules... http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090706/ap_on_fe_st/us_odd_tons_of_trash

OMG!!!!! http://news.aol.com/article/squirrel-in-cleavage/555485

Open Magickally refilling bar and buffet for your enjoyment.

2009-06-23T22:14:00.003-05:00

What a wonderful thing mid-life is...

Sunday we went to my nephew Thors home for fathers day. He will be a daddy in November. Hildegard, her hubby, Redneck and my other nephew Fester accompanied us. We had a wonderful meal that Thor BBQ'd for us, and a good time was had by all.

The torture began on Monday! For those of you that have yet to experience the joys and wonder that is a colonoscopy, let me fill you in...

24 hours prior to this treat, you must be on a liquid diet. You can have broth and jello, but nothing solid or red in color to either eat or drink. In my case it was chicken broth and orange jello. At 2 p.m. you mix a product called "GoLytely" in a one gallon jug with lukewarm water. You must consume one half gallon between the hours of 2-4 pm.

While this a VERY effective product, it tastes like salty water. This product contains polyethylene glycol, sodium sulfate, sodium bicarbonate, sodium chloride and potassium chloride.

Ok not too bad, however, immediately upon consuming the first mouthful, the gag reflex kicks in. It took me almost an hour to drink the first glassful! While chugging (trust me) on the second glassful, it kicks in. So now, I'm in the bathroom trying to finish off the rest of the first half gallon. Meanwhile, I'm gagging, belching to try and relieve the stomach cramping that the squrits aren't taking care of.

In case you are wondering, yes I managed to finish the first round of liquid by 4 p.m. I suggest that prior to undergoing this procedure, you procure some "Cottonelle Wipes" or some equivalent. One can only take the pain of toilet paper on a raw and delicate area for so long. By 6 p.m., I'm finally able to leave the bathroom for more than 2 minutes at a time.

Now comes round two, repeat the above between the hours of 7-9 p.m. I was finally able to get to sleep at around 2 a.m. Clean as a whistle inside and out.

At 6 a.m. the alarm from hell screams me awake. Auntie K, picks me up at 7 a.m. and we drive through rush-hour traffic to the VA hospital. At approximately 8:15 a.m. we arrive. At 8:45 they take me into out-patient surgery to prep me. There a wonderful nurse starts an IV, and drugs me (YEA!!!!), however, it's not enough to knock me out, just enough to put me into la la land.

Needless to say, I am awake for the entire procedure, watching a scope going through the exit only section of my body on TV. OMG, what they don't tell you, is that they are pumping air into your colon as they run the prob through there. Talk about stomach cramps!!! That was the longest 25min. of my life! 7 polyps were found and removed. I'll have the pathology results in 3-4 weeks. Barring any problems, I get to repeat this again in 5 years. I know that sounds like a long time, but trust me, it's not long enough.

After about 45min. in the recovery room, Auntie drives me home. Drowsy, stoned and sore, I arrive home to a very bitchy Haggar. I had to tell him to shut up, I had one man up my asshole already today, I didn't need another.

So how was your day?

Why is it that sometimes just living is an act of courage?

In life, why are there so many questions?

Is life just something to do when you can't get to sleep?

Can't you claim you have a life if you like what you're doing? Or does everyone else have to like what you're doing too? And what did you have before it was classed as a life?

Why do we need science fiction when life is already so bizarre?

What good is a ticket to the good life if you can't find the entrance?

Isn't life just like a candy bar? By the time you get to the creamy center isn't the outside already melted?

Isn't everybody somebody else's weirdo?

What's it all about?

Did you ever wonder that if everybody became somebody there wouldn't be anybody left to be nobody?

2009-06-16T15:23:00.002-05:00

I'm baaaaaaaack! Miss me?
Goblins got into my computer and blew it up...now, thanks to Hildegards hubs, I got a temporary one. Yeah!!! I'm saving up to purchase a new one.

Haggar and I celebrated our 4th (can you believe it?) anniversary in May, there was much merriment and debauchery as usual. My ex has let us put in a garden at his place (no where to do so in this dinky apartment), so I have been playing farmer green genes, or is that jeans?

Kenosha is a town/city to get used to. No one here knows how to drive, pedestridans don't look prior to crossing the street or walking behind your car. Bicyclists are deadly. AND, beer costs more here (in Wisconsin, the brewing capitol of the U.S.) than in Illinois.

Some points to ponder...

What if life is a joke and we don't get it?

Why is it that no matter where you are you're here?

Why is origin at the end if it means the beginning?

Why is nothing as easy as it looks?

Why is it that the most important things in life aren't things?

Why is 'if' the middle word in life?

Why do people long for eternal life when they don't even know what to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Why is Living the Good Life and Living a Good Life not the same thing?

Why is it that sometimes just living is an act of courage?

2008-03-08T21:42:00.001-06:00

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

2008-02-10T11:47:00.000-06:00

I am ready to move to Belize! Wednesday we got 14 plus inches of snow, ok, that is to be expected in this part of the country. Last night, we got about another inch. The weather channel is calling for more snow on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. To top it off, I had to run to the gas station this morning, so of course I bundled up. The ambient temp is -4 with a wind chill of -27. Howard did not want to start, and I nearly froze cleaning the snow off.
I have to buy some more mouse traps, I know that there is one who likes to get under the stove, one in the bedroom and now it appears that there is one hiding somewhere under my desk!!!! I swear they are spies for the arachnids.
On a positive note, Haggar took me out Friday night and I won a clock. It's really cute with frogs on it and a swinging dragon fly, Hildegard will be so jealous...she collects frogs.

A Winter Statistic

98% of Americans say
'Oh Shit!' before going
in the ditch on a
slippery road.

The other 2% are
from rural Wisconsin and they say,
'Hold my beer and watch this.'

2007-12-30T13:44:00.000-06:00

Well I'm finally coming out of my annual holiday depression (gotta love Prozac). Haggar's jaw is mending nicely, he went to a Chicago Bears game last weekend with a buddy of his, they froze their bits and pieces off and enjoyed watching the Bears beat the Green bay Packers. He's in watching football now, ahhh quiet (mostly).
As I sit here eating cookies and drinking my green tea with spearmint, I think "I've got to stop eating these fucking cookies!" I'm getting fatter by the minute.
As of January first, there will be no smoking in public places in Illinois (and not within 15 feet from the entrance), here in Wisconsin they are just going to raise the price of cigarettes by $1.00 a pack. Yep soon, only the rich will be able to afford to give themselves cancer - just as well, they are the only ones that can afford treatment these days.
When last I wrote, I was getting ready for a craft fair, that went OK, not many people showed up, but I did make enough money to pay for my spot, buy lunch and pay for gas. Not a total loss. I did readings at a Halloween party and that went fairly well and I still do readings at a pub in Illinois on the second Wednesday of the month. I'm starting to get some regular clients and new ones through word of mouth.
My apartment looks as if chaos its self has moved in...at some point today I'm going to attempt to tackle the laundry mountain. I need to get over to the Sally (Salvation Army) and see if I can find a smaller desk, a file cabinet and another bookcase. Haggar is going insane from all the clutter and I need more room for books and my oils.
My sister gave me a gallon of unscented massage oil, and a box full of stuff that she got at work. So I'll be mixing up some scented massage oils as soon as she gets me more bottles. One of her co-workers wants me to do a house blessing for her, this has given me an idea to make up a house blessing kit. If that sells, I may start making simple spell kits.

We have mice!!!!!!!! You all know of my aversion to spiders, well I have discovered that I don't like mice either. I can't be sure, but they may be winter spies for the arachnid militia.

I hope you are all well and that your holidays are/were joyful.

2007-10-02T09:52:00.000-05:00

Busting my butt getting ready for the craft show on Saturday, making bath salts and perfume oils, getting the jewelry ready. Thanks to my Auntie K for this one; (Sorry about the caps)

AS YOU MAY ALREADY KNOW, IT IS A SIN FOR A TALIBAN OR AL QUAEDA MALE TO SEE ANY WOMAN, OTHER THAN HIS WIFE, NAKED AND THAT HE MUST COMMIT SUICIDE IF HE DOES.

SO NEXT SATURDAY AT 4 P.M. EASTERN TIME ALL AMERICAN WOMEN ARE ASKED TO WALK OUT OF THEIR HOUSES COMPLETELY NAKED TO HELP WEED OUT ANY NEIGHBORHOOD TERRORISTS..

CIRCLING YOUR BLOCK FOR ONE HOUR IS RECOMMENDED FOR THIS ANTI-TERRORIST EFFORT.

ALL MEN ARE TO POSITION THEMSELVES IN LAWN CHAIRS IN FRONT OF THEIR HOUSE TO PROVE THEY ARE NOT TALIBAN OR AL QUAEDA, AND TO DEMONSTRATE THAT THEY THINK IT'S OKAY TO SEE NUDE WOMEN OTHER THAN THEIR WIVES AND TO SHOW SUPPORT FOR ALL AMERICAN WOMEN.
AND SINCE THE TALIBAN AND AL QUEDA ALSO DO NOT APPROVE OF ALCOHOL, A COLD 6-PACK AT YOUR SIDE IS FURTHER PROOF OF YOUR ANTI-TERRORIST SENTIMENT.

Also, FOR GOOD MEASURE, HAVE VARIOUS PORK PRODUCTS COOKING ON YOUR BBQ GRILL.

THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT APPRECIATES YOUR EFFORTS TO ROOT OUT TERRORISTS AND APPPLAUDS YOUR PARTICIPATION IN T HIS ANTI-TERRORIST ACTIVITY.

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

IT IS YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY TO PASS THIS ON!

2007-09-18T09:17:00.000-05:00

Friday nights party went well, there was feasting, drinking, all sorts of merrymaking and debauchery...a good time was had by all.

At around 5 am Saturday morning, we were rousted from a sound sleep by the sound of the door bell having what can only be described as having a fit. It was the fire department. We were evacuated from our warm and cozy apartment in our pj's because the bar next door was ablaze. We couldn't get back in until around noon, as they were not sure they could contain the fire. The bar is totaled! We have a little soot around the windows and the blinds have looked better, but no smoke or water damage anywhere else. The important thing is that no-one got hurt. Still don't know what started the fire.

Sunday I slept in, had cold pizza and beer for breakfast, vegetated on the couch all day watching old movies. It was the perfect birthday.

2007-09-14T10:34:00.000-05:00

Well Folks, It is officially the start of my Birthday Weekend, My party is tonight, and my actual birthday is Sunday.

Magickally refilling bar and munchie table now open all weekend.

My newest poem...

In The…

In the darkness of self doubt,
I accuse.

In the darkness of obsession,
I accuse.

In the darkness of insecurity,
I accuse.

Lost in the darkness consuming my soul,
I accuse.

Lost in the Light you emanate,
I awaken.

Lost in the Light that is you,
I awaken.

Lost in the Light of Love,
I awaken!

2007-09-10T09:29:00.000-05:00

Q: Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?

A: There are no dental records and all the DNA's the same!

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to
Take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he
intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma
Moses of Jail."
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I
brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of
games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The
other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you
bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought
these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the
box,
I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

Redneck Vasectomy
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as
they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin
didn't want to have anymore children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly
alternative, said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb,
(fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then
hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in
The shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to
My ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He
held the can up to his ear and began to count...

"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
resumed counting on his other hand.

Red Neck Vacation

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells
Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this
year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took
your advice about where to go.
THREE YEARS AGO, YOU SAID TO GO TO HAWAII. I WENT TO HAWAII AND EARLENE GOT PREGNANT.

THEN TWO YEARS AGO, YOU TOLD ME TO GO TO THE BAHAMAS, AND EARLENE GOT PREGNANT AGAIN.

LAST YEAR, YOU SUGGESTED TAHITI AND DARNED IF SHE DIDN'T GET PREGNANT AGAIN!"

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's
different?"
Billy Bob says, "THIS YEAR SHE'S GOIN' WITH ME!!"

Redneck Pickup Lines

1) Did you fart, cause you blew me away.
2) Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.
3) My Love for you is like diarrhea .. I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.
6) If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.
7) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a
light switch away.
8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
9) I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went
into this cheap motel room.
11) Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until
the afternoon.

2007-08-20T01:09:00.000-05:00

I will be 48 years old next month!

I will also be Croning ( as I have officially been post-menopausal for two years now).

I wander around the internet, looking for ideas to enhance my ceremony, and find that I'm beginning to reflect on my-life. My LIFE! As I look back, I find things that I'm not proud of, however, I also notice that I have no regrets. I'm putting away the past and while looking to the future, I make a comittment to live more in the here and now. This blog will become my journal. Maybe it already is...

2007-08-05T07:40:00.000-05:00

I wouldn't recommend these guys!

2007-08-05T07:39:00.001-05:00

Redneck camper

2007-08-05T07:39:00.000-05:00

Does the word DUH mean anything to you?

2007-07-29T05:43:00.000-05:00

I do apologize for not updating as I should.

The bubblehead has me on a new mood "stabilizer," I hope it begins working soon. I have been having some mild manic episodes lately. Although I have been getting somethings accomplished during these episodes, I can't concentrate on any one thing long enough to finish. Needless to say, I have several half finished projects around the house.

Research on the books is going pretty good, I am working on the draft of the second chapter of 'Introduction to Ecclectic Draconian Wicca' (working title), and I have the outline started on 'Ecclectic Draconian Wicca 102', 'An Encyclopedia of Gods and Goddesses,' and An Encyclopedia of Creation Myths. These are all working titles of course.

One of my Coven sisters and I have been performing a 'Psychic Night' at a couple of local taverns. I Scry and she reads Tarot, we read free for pub employees and charge $10.00 for a ten minute reading for others. Before some of you say it - I find no conflict in charging for readings and Wicca - we keep half of everything we earn and the rest goes into our coven building fund. During these nights we also sell hand made jewelry, essential oil perfumes, bath salts and massage oils (I have made so much jewelry that I could almost stock a store, lol).

We are thinking of other ways to raise funds. It is our wish to have a Covenstead with a store. One in which we can sell ritual and spell supplies, apperal and products - also have room for circle, and classroom space for teaching and readings. Anyone with fundraising ideas, speak up.
Before you say it, if all money spells worked when and how we wanted them to, all witches would be rich.

I hope to borrow my sisters digital camera so that I can creat a catalog of our products.

We have a new dedicant, my ex, and we may have another soon, we are growing. We already have a hive in Virginia Beach, one of our founding members (and a really good tarot reader) is a Navy wife and they just moved there. She already has a dedicant, a good start.

Married life is, well, married life... Haggar and I are both still living, so I would have to say that it has been a pretty good 14 months. We still want to move to Belize, but I think that it will be awhile yet. I do wish that men came with instructions, though I suspect that if they did, it would read like sterio instructions.

I will leave you with this thought ( thanks to my friend Kimmy)

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret.

After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.

He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.

He Said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.

How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see Your mother kiss you on the cheek."

until next time....heeheeheeheehee!

2007-07-21T20:37:00.000-05:00

An archeological team, digging in Washington DC , has uncovered 10,000 year old bones and fossil remains Of what is believed to be the first Politician.

2007-07-09T21:52:00.000-05:00

A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were all sitting around one day talking about how much their lives sucked.

The cucumber said:

'Man, my life sucks. Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad'.

So the pickle looks at him and says:

'You think you have it bad? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me, and sticks me in a jar'.

The penis glared at them both and said:

'You guys think you have it rough? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, they put a rubber tarp over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out'."

GRANDMA IN COURT

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a
question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a
Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a
grand-motherly elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and
asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known
you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never
will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I
know you.'

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense
attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley
since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a
drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone
and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to
mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them
was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very
quiet voice, said,
If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to
the electric chair.'

2007-06-27T09:09:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Kevin for this one"
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the firstman prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed,"God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river."
Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge. Why Do Men Pee Standing Up? God was just about done creating man, but he had two things left over in his bag . He couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve. He thought He might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things he had left was a thing-a-mabob that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it." Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up. Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place... first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away laughing with delight all the while. God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well,I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left. "What's it called?" asked Eve. "Brains," said God

2007-05-20T17:21:00.000-05:00

ok this one is really funny!!!!

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there

was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds as prisoners in his room. "He's just

lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad, can you help?" I put my best lizard-

healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was

indeed lying on his back, looking stressed, I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," Icalled,

"come look at the lizard!" "Oh, my gosh!" my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having

babies." "What?" my son demanded, "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally

outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I

accused my wife. "Well , what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I

actually think she said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys,"

I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah,

Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she

I informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think!?). By now the rest of the family had

gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is

going to be a wondrous experience, I announced: "We're about to witness the miracle of birth.

" "Oh. gross!" they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter

of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think sh e was being snotty

here, too. Don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a

tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making

much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my

son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it

next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same

results. "Should I caI1 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us

through the trauma. " (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) "Let's get Ernie

to the vet, " I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.

(Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this

boy is of her womb, for God's sake.) The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered

at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I

suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I

speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie

going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in

labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male.

And occasionally, as they come intomaturity, like most male species, they um.um. pleasure

themselves. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you

know what I'm saying Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just. just.

excited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.

Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I

demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming

affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's

just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow

in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thank ed the Vet and hurriedly bundled

the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know

Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea, " Closed

mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2- Lizards -$140
1 -Cage -$50
Trip to the Vet -$30
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie... Priceless!

Moral of the story: Finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!!
_________________________________________________

2007-05-18T03:02:00.000-05:00

Haggar got me the most beautiful gold and diamond ring for our first anniversary on May 7 th. He is such a sweetie sometimes.

On Saturday, May 19, Waterseer (one of my coven sisters) and I will be having a Psychic Saturday at the Barn. It is a bar next to where I live. I scry and she does tarot, so we will be offering readings for $10.00. We will also be selling jewelry, essential oil perfumes, bath salts and massage oils that I have made. Hopefully it will be a good night for us. We are trying to raise money for a Covenstead and store.

The book research is continuing, thank you to those of you who read the draft of my first chapter (posted on Monday April 16) and gave me your input. It has helped guide me in a good direction. Please do not hesitate to email me any questions about Eclectic Wicca that you have, I will do my best to answer them, and those asks will be also answered in the book.

As I mentioned before, I am researching and writing four books at the moment;

1) Introduction to Eclectic Wicca - A 101 Course: this will concentrate on the religious aspects of Eclectic Wicca and a brief history of modern Wicca.

2) Eclectic Wicca 102: This will concentrate on the ritual and magickal aspects of the craft.

3) An Encyclopedia of Goddesses and Gods from Paleolithic times to Present.

4) A history of Creation Myths Around the World - from Paleolithic to Today.

If you have anything you think would add to these topics, please don't hesitate to email me at wiccavic2002@yahoo.com

I do hope you enjoy the following:

The End of the Raven

by Edgar Allen Poe's Cat

On a night quite unenchanting,

when the rain was downward slanting,

I awakened to the ranting

of the man I catch mice for.
Tipsy and a bit unshaven,

in a tone I found quite craven,

Poe was talking to a Raven perched

above the chamber door.

"Raven's very tasty," thought I,

as I tiptoed o'er the floor,

"There is nothing I like more".

Soft upon the rug I treaded,

calm and careful as I headed

Towards his roost atop that dreaded

bust of Pallas I deplore.

While the bard and birdie chattered,

I made sure that nothing clattered,

Creaked, or snapped, or fell, or shattered,

as I crossed the corridor;

For his house is crammed with trinkets,

curios and weird decor -

Bric-a-brac and junk galore.

Still the Raven never fluttered,

standing stock-still as he uttered,

In a voice that shrieked and sputtered,

his two cents' worth - "Nevermore."

While this dirge the birdbrain kept up,

oh, so silently I crept up,

Then I crouched and quickly leapt up,

pouncing on the feathered bore.

Soon he was a heap of plumage,

and a little blood and gore-

Only this and not much more.

"Oooo!" my pickled poet cried out,

"Pussycat, it's time I dried out!

Never sat I in my hideout

talking to a bird before.

How I've wallowed in self-pity,

while my gallant, valiant kitty

Put and end to that damned ditty" -

then I heard him start to snore.

Back atop the door I clambered,

eyed that statue I abhor,

Jumped - and smashed it on the floor.

- "The End of the Raven" by Edgar Allen Poe's Cat

2007-05-11T09:22:00.000-05:00

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64. This actually happened in Austin at MoPac Blvd and Parmer Lane
...............They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free" She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.
...............They Walk Among Us and Many Work in Food Service.

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"
...............They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff."
...............They Walk Among Us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
...............They Walk Among Us!

My friend has a lifesaving tool in his car designed to cut through a seat belt if he gets trapped. He keeps it in the trunk.
...............They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
...............They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
...............They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
..............Yep, They Walk Among Us!

They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce, and WORST OF ALL...................................

they VOTE!

I thank my Auntie K for sending me this one!

2007-05-10T19:22:00.000-05:00

Comments made in the year 1955:

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas "

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."
"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."

"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

That's only 51 years ago!

2007-04-18T07:39:00.000-05:00

I must thank my lovely sister Hildegard for this one:

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

5. WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS
(because they don't have penises to put them in)

6. WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON?
(they're intended for children, but men usually play with them)

7. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their asses and they vapor lock) (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

8. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)

9. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

10. WHY IS A MAN'S PEE YELLOW AND HIS SPERM WHITE?
(so he can tell if he's coming or going)

11. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know......it never happened)

12. WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT TO MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH A MAN?
(because breasts don't have eyes)

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Johnny, looking worried and said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

Enjoy the little things in life, for one day, you'll realize they were the big things.

Please take the time to read the previous post, I could really use some feedback.

2007-04-16T11:23:00.000-05:00

Good morning boys and girls, I have a very long post today. I will be posting the first draft of the Preface and acknowledgements and chapter 1 of my book. It's working title is "An Introduction to Ecclectic Wicca." Your feed back would be extremely useful, also any questions you feel should be addressed in this book would be helpful as well.

Preface and acknowledgements:
Welcome to Wicca. I imagine that you have some questions – otherwise, you would probably not be reading this. I will do my best to answer your questions and should you decide that Wicca is the right path for you, I will do my best to help light your way. This volume is the basics of the religion known as eclectic Wicca – a 101 course. I will not be teaching magick in this volume.
Strangers to Wicca, Witchcraft and Pagan Spirituality can easily become confused. The odd words and customs have many people believing us to be "cults" or strange "sects." I hope to dispel those beliefs within these pages, ultimately, you will have to decide for yourself. I suppose that I should begin by telling you a bit about myself and how I came to walk this path.
I was born in 1959, to a Catholic mother and a Lutheran father, and I was baptized into the Lutheran faith. My father was not a practicing Lutheran, but my grandmother was and my mother was a practicing Catholic. I do remember going to church with my mother once, I was a "High Mass". I remember thinking how beautiful and mysterious that mass was, the ritual of it all being done in Latin.

My mother died in 1968 and my father moved us around a bit after that. He re-married in 1969 and my new mom decided that us "little heathens needed some Sunday school". So I was sent to Sunday school at the Baptist church down the road. I was to inquisitive for my own good and by the time I was 10, my parents had been asked to not send me back. Yep, kicked out for asking to many questions. I had always felt that there was something more – something they weren’t telling me.

The only place I really felt connected to deity was outside. I loved to go into the woods by the creek, I built forts, hunted frogs and would just sit for hours. I rode mini-bikes and motorcycles up and down the trails in the field next to my home, caught fire-flies in the evenings and picked flowers in the mornings. While sitting by the creek one summer afternoon, the Great Mother paid me a visit.

She was a motherly woman, heavy-set, brown skinned, long black hair in tiny braids hanging down her back. What struck me the most were her eyes…she had the kindest, most loving eye I had and have ever seen. She sat with me, calling me daughter, and telling me of the path I would walk in this life. I have and continue to walk this path, I just didn’t know it had a name.
In 1992 I came across a book that changed everything for me. It was "To Ride a Silver Broomstick" by Silver Ravenwolf. As I read it’s pages I discovered that my beliefs were a religion and that religion had a name, Wicca. This discovery set me on a mission to find out all that I could about Wicca. I spent hours in the library looking for books (not many were to be found at that time). I did however, find a goldmine of books at our local Borders bookstore. I began to buy books as I could afford them. When, at the age of 32, I came out of the broom closet, so to speak, my family took the news all in stride. You know how every family has that one member who seems to be a little "different"? Well in my family, I’m that one. Mom always said that I "marched to the beat of my own drummer".

Sacred Mother
I am the Wind that rides before the storm,
the breeze that caresses your face.
I am the Fire that stirs deep within your soul,
the ember that lives in sacred space.
I am the River that flows throughout time,
the rain that quenches your thirst.
I am the Earth in which seed is sown,
the dust of lives gone by.
I am the Light known by many names,
the Sacred Mother of all.

Chapter 1
What is Wicca?
My mom asked, "What is Wicca?" This was a difficult question to answer. I had only just found out that the beliefs I had held all my life had a name. In this chapter, I will attempt to answer that question along with other frequently asked questions.
Ask one hundred Wiccans that question and you will get one hundred different answers. We are an eclectic group and rarely, if ever agree on anything. In some ways, Wicca is the religion of our ancestors, polytheistic or dualistic and based on the seasonal cycles of nature. It is a pagan religion based in the belief of the duality of deity…Mother God and Father God. Deity is within us and around us. We are all connected, not only to each other, but to the whole of the Earth and the Universe. All life is sacred, and it is in life that we learn the lessons for our souls to move forward toward a state of perfection. Nature is sacred, we depend on nature for food, shelter, rain, etc… If we disrespect and destroy nature, we disrespect and destroy ourselves. The Universe is sacred, that is where we came from, where all life began and that is where life as we know it will end.

What is Eclectic Wicca? Eclectic Wicca is generally thought of as any type of Wicca that is practiced out side of a specific tradition. It is essentially the practice of using outside influences in a combination that feels right to the practitioner. A mixture of traditions.

Is Wicca a cult? No! Cults by definition most often involve aggressive recruiting, censorship, manipulation, alienation from friends and family, strict and inflexible dogma. The generally require that members give all their worldly goods to the cult and aggressively "fundraise". These characteristics diametrically opposed to what Wicca stands for. We do not proselytize, no one will come to your house to "witness", no one will accost you on the street and hand out pamphlets. Wicca encourages individuality, strength and importance of family and ecology. We do not want you to quit your job or give up your life for Wicca. We have no central holy book, no prophets or church hierarchy (exception – see section about Covens). We do not believe that we are the "one true and right way" to worship deity.

What is the difference between being Wiccan and being a Witch? As I have already explained what Wicca is, lets take a look at witchcraft. Witchcraft is the practice of magick without any religious connotations. It is the altering of the mundane world through the application of the will of the witch. Wicca is a religion and those who practice it are called Wiccans. Many Wiccans employ the use of magick as an integral part of their worship, however, not all Wiccans are witches and not all witches are Wiccan.

Who is in charge of Wicca? No one. Many Wiccans practice what is called solitary Wicca, meaning they generally worship alone, answering only to the Gods. Some have family traditions so they may structure their worship according to the family hierarchy. Others belong to Covens, each coven is autonomous, governing itself depending on the tradition they follow. In the end, each individual is in-charge of themselves and responsible only to the Gods.

Do you have scriptures? Does Wicca have rules? No. We have no scriptures, no commandments that tell us what is right and wrong. The closest thing we have to a commandment is the Wiccan Rede – "An it harm none, do what thou will."

What happens in a Wiccan ceremony? It depends on the ceremony. There are many different types of get-togethers that Wiccans of all traditions attend. There are Eight standard craft holidays are recognized during each calendar year. They are called Sabbats, their relationship is usually with the sun deity.

Quarters of the year - Fire festivals:
Yule/Winter Solstice (solar festival)
Spring Equinox/Ostara (first of the spring fertility festivals)
Summer Solstice (solar festival)
Fall Equinox/Mabon (second harvest festival)

Cross Quarters of the year:
Imbolc (first of the spring fertility festivals)
Beltane (last of the spring fertility rituals)
Lughnasadh (first of the harvest festivals and New Year)
Halloween/Samhain (last of the harvest festivals)
There are the Lunar celebrations, generally taking place on the night of the full moon. These are all called Circles. There are also gatherings/festivals or Groves that take place (usually in summer) that all are allowed to attend. We dance, pray, invoke, do rituals either handed down from tradition or original, teach, take classes, buy/sell/barter, and generally emphasize fellowship and harmony.

Do you dance naked? Some do, some don’t. The act of worship in the nude is called being "Skyclad". While some solitaries and Covens do, many others don’t. Those that do generally feel that being skyclad removes all rank, all are equal under the Gods. Some feel that clothing blocks their energy. It is generally reserved for formal rituals rather than everyday life. It is entirely a personal choice, no-one will make you go skyclad at a circle if you don’t want to.
Do you have orgies? No, and if anyone insists that you must participate in an orgy, or have sex with the High Priest/ess – run, do not walk, away from them. These are NOT requirements nor should the be. People who insists/practice this are generally posers – those wanting power.

Do you sacrifice humans/animals? No! All life is sacred!

Is Wicca only for women? No, there are many men in Wicca, and are as welcome as women. There are more women only because Wicca allows for a more feminine-oriented worship, or a more balanced approach to deity.

Do you believe in God? Worship the Devil? First off, the Devil, hell and sin are all Christian concepts that do not apply to Wicca. We believe in God, it is just the form that the gods take which is different. Many Wiccans are dualistic or polytheistic about deity, and the face(s) of God/ess that they worship is strictly a matter of personal choice. Occasionally a tradition will teach specific concepts, mythologies and structures. For most deity is seen as a single Godhead, divided into two, Mother God and Father God. They are a balance, representing birth, life, death and re-birth. We see the symbolism of this in the seasonal changes that we call The Wheel of the Year. This wheel allows us to have a deeper, richer and more meaningful relationship with deity.

How do you know which God to worship? It is a personal choice. Many are drawn to one particular aspect of the divine and will keep that aspect for their patron. Some will find that they need the energy in the feminine aspect of the divine for one ritual and the male aspect for another. They may choose to work with both aspects, or with a pantheon. Some find it easier to work with a Greek, Celtic, Roman, etc…pantheon - others pick and choose the representation (aspect) that feels right regardless of the pantheon. I will cover the aspects of deity later on.

2007-03-16T00:10:00.000-05:00

Once again boys and girls, it's time for the the next segment of drunken blogging...

Yep! I'm pretty much blasted at the moment. Wednesday March 21 (Ostara), I will be having a psychic party at the Barn on 52nd st and 22 ave. in Kenosha, Wisconsin. I will be doing readings along with one of my coven sisters. We will also be selling some of my perfume, bath oil, bathe salt and aromatherapy blends.
Wish us luck.
We have another booking on March 28 at the Pit Stop in Zion, IL.
Hubby is out and about at the moment, and I just polished off the bottle of rum and the smokes, I hope he picks up cigarettes while he's out.

In the mean time, the bar and refreshment table is open, enjoy!

2007-03-06T12:46:00.000-06:00

Upgrading BoyFriend

Dear Tech Support:

Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness.

Can you help, please!!

Sincerely,

XXX

Dear XXX:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible.

Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.

Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0.

Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly.

After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Tech Support

(Bert Christensen's Truth & Humour Collection)

2007-03-01T03:09:00.000-06:00

This is a drunken post. since I am having trouble seeing, Booze and Hors Douvers are in place.

2007-02-15T22:15:00.000-06:00

A little thought about VD (not the disease, the day)

I feel like the most special woman in the world!

Keep your diamonds, your firs, your romantic getaways...
Hubby cleaned and mopped the kitchen and the bathroom as a suprise for me. It is the best gift I have gotten in quite sometime.

Bad Analogies and Metaphors

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other
sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a
surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one
having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other
from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the
East River.

"Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a
college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as
if she were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in
any pH cleanser.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a generation thermal
paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

2007-02-11T16:15:00.000-06:00

Why I LOVE men in kilts!!!

New addition -

You Are 50% Normal

While some of your behavior is quite normal...
Other things you do are downright strange
You've got a little of your freak going on
But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

How Normal Are You?

2007-02-03T08:17:00.000-06:00

Bobbit tracks have been seen in the vacinity.

2007-01-28T10:27:00.000-06:00

Two recent hits:

What not to do if you capture James Bond
predatory Women

Ok...

I can't help but hear the theme from mission impossible every time I see this picture. LOL.
Of course, it also reminds me of a certain, British, sarcastic, witty, MF'r

Abbott and Costello
Meet the 21st Century
ABBOTT: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm
thinking of buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you
got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommended something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.
ABBOTT: Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's
say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What
do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of
words. But what program do I load?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a
straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I
need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none
of your business. But what do I need to watch it?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two,
three and four. Can I watch reel four?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a
movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?
ABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left.
It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?
ABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even
part of Office.
COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again.
But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What
do you have to help me track my money?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra
charge? How much money do I get?
ABBOTT: Just one copy.
COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?
ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of
Money.
COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?
ABBOTT: Why not? They own it.
COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but
I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your
money?
ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: You sell money?
ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for
free.
COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business.
Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?
ABBOTT: Simply Accounting.
COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
ABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business.
COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?
ABBOTT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home
business. You know--accounting? You do it with money.
ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need
more.
COSTELLO: More money?
ABBOTT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.
COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for
the moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word?
Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my
data?
ABBOTT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need
something to restore my data. What do you recommend?
ABBOTT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?
ABBOTT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was
GoBack.
COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay,
I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.
ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind.
ABBOTT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me?
Oh, well.

2007-01-26T18:50:00.000-06:00

2007-01-23T02:06:00.000-06:00

It's 2:05 a.m. US central time and I can't sleep! What else is new...
I have hived off from my former coven and am founding Dragonhearth Coven, it will be a mix of eclectic and draconian Wicca. I am still outlining the degree courses.
I have finished the first draft of my outline and am researching for my book, as yet untitled. It is an introduction/history of modern Wicca.
I also have a partial outline for a Wicca 101 course, and a partial outline for a Wicca 102 course. This month alone there have been two deaths, one a suicide and the other from cancer (not family but close friends), and a birth in the family.
Now that I look at all this crap, no wonder my brain won't slow down.

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
And when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol, set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a baseball bat up his arse.

2007-01-19T23:07:00.000-06:00

I am a GREAT Aunt...
Hildegard became a grandmother at 3:47 a.m. centeral time! It's a boy, 7 lbs. 7.5 ounces, 20 in. long. Mother and baby are doing nicely!

2007-01-17T16:31:00.000-06:00

The Top 100 Things I'll do when I become Evil Overlady of the World

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

8. After I kidnap the handsome prince, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.

10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum-a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

14. The heroine is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his\her plan into operation.

16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own mother.

20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way-even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcements and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

35. I will continue to shave my legs. In the old days harry legs made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him/her. After all, she/he's my trusted lieutenant.

38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and fetching keys happens to follow him around.

43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the handsome rebel and he claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray his companions if I just let him in on my plans.

44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him/her, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

46. If an advisor says to me "My lady, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want- Ad in the local paper.

50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh PowerBook's.

51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the handsome princes' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

53. If the handsome prince that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill him.

54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable super weapon on them.

73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlady" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en-masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope- bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform such as a train, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

89. After I captures the hero's super weapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.

98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

2007-01-10T06:36:00.000-06:00

Whored from Mallard

TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

SINBAD. Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

STRESS PUPPY. A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" -needless paperwork and processes.404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

GOING FOR A McPOO. Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McPOO with Lies.A

EROPLANE BLONDE. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

AUSSIE KISS. Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am.

BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

GREYHOUND. A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH . A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go:"Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI. The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

PICASSO BUM. A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks

SALAD DODGER. An excellent phrase for an overweight person

SWAMP-DONKEY A deeply unattractive person

TART FUEL. Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women

2007-01-03T15:11:00.000-06:00

Just another manic .... Wednesday

I just completed the 'Ritual of the Bills' - I think more gray hair has grown in. Haggar is his usual pain in the ass self, but that's part of his charm. I like someone I can't steamroll over, he argues back. I am so glad that the horror-days are over, now maybe I can get some peace and quiet.

I need some semblance of a routine in order to function at peak capacity. Quite frankly, my routine has been lost in the shuffle somewhere, I see light at the end of the tunnel. Computer up and running, office halfway organized, I just need to finish the organization process and clean this pigsty. I am a delicate flower of womanhood and I must have order (now, where did I put my whip?).

New Years eve was a blast, what I can remember of it that is. I seem to remember something about shipping badgers and ferrets off to the UK. So any of my bloggie friends there, let me know if you receive a large parcel.

It's official-I am post-menopausal! Yeah!!!!! No period since 4 October 2005. Now if these power surges and night-time summer sessions (Haggar says that sleeping with me is like sleeping next to a blast furnace-I warned him) would stop, I would be one happy camper. My sometimers disease has turned into mental pause - my mind just wanders away and forgets to take me with it - sometimes I stop to think and forget to start again.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I have run out of ponderables. So if you have any, please send them on to me.

I don't remember who sent this to me, whomever did - I thank you!

The Top 16 Chapters in "Sex for Dummies"

16. Evolution 101: Why Dummies Might Actually Make Poor Sex Partners

15. Troubleshooting for Do-It-Yourselfers (NOTE:Memorize this chapter *before* you go blind.)

14. Oh, God! Yes!! Oh, God! OH, GOD!!!: The MissionaryPosition

13. Am I a Tab A or a Slot B?

12. Engineering Secrets of the Bra: Removal in 14 Simple Steps

11. The Face: How to Tell Your Lover Apart from All Those Other People

10. Chapter 4: No, You Don't *Actually* Blow

9. Stop Masturbating, She's Real!

8. You're Britney, I'm Strom: Introduction to Role-Playing

7. Foreplay: Not Just for Her Birthday, Chester

6. Putting the Condom on a Banana is Just for*Practice*, Dumbass

5. Crouching Doggie and Hidden Missionary: A Guide to Sexual Positions

4. "Alternate" Lifestyles: Pokeman?

3. Hey! Watch Those Teeth, Vampira!!

2. Sexual Physics: The Round Peg/Round Hole Theory

and the Number 1 Chapter in "Sex for Dummies"...

Chapter 1: Mayor McWeiner and the Clamburglar

2006-12-31T11:35:00.000-06:00

The Queenland of Broomhilda is up and running again!!!!!

So much to tell -

As previously promised, below are some wedding pictures. The wedding was beautiful, outside in the Forrest preserve and the weather was perfect. Manic Witch did a fabulous job as our Priestess. Haggar and I did not get a honeymoon however, owing to the fact that the asshat of a landlord-whom had praised the job we were doing in taking care of the outdoor storage-decided that he wanted this gang-banging dope dealer to run the place and we needed to move. This guy has ex-landlord completely snowed. We had twenty days to move.

We moved into my brothers basement for about a month before finding a place of our own. We found what was advertised as a 4 room studio, turns out that it is really a small two bedroom. The rent is cheap, landlord pays for the heat and water and the neighborhood is not too bad. Only problems are;

1 - Haggar has allergies and we live behind a flower shop (good thinking on that one!)

2 - There is a pub less than 60 seconds away and on Wednesday nights from 8 p.m. to midnight, $5.00 cover charge and all tap beer and rail drinks are free. (not quite sure that this is a problem)

3 - There is a walk-through from the alley to the street, it passes right outside our living room and kitchen windows. (We get a lot of drunks staggering by).

4 - The entrance to our apartment is just off the afore mentioned walkway. We have had drunks puking, pissing, and one time a couple of hoods striping down a stereo-all outside of our bedroom window. Haggar chased them off (I may write about that more later)

Other than that, we are as snug as bugs in a rug.

Thanksgiving was spent at my brothers (Yore) house. Sis-in-law (Helga) made a wonderful turkey, mashed potatoes, our traditional sage stuffing, rolls, candied sweet potatoes (not yams), gravy, opened the can of cranberry sauce (you know it's only good when can shaped) and the best deviled eggs on the planet. Sis (Hildegard) made an ass kickin' ham, candied yams (different from sweet potatoes), cornbread stuffing, a vegie tray, brought the pumpkin, cherry, apple and pecan pies and made cookies. I made brussel sprouts and corn on the cob (apparently, that is all they thought I could handle this year). A grand feast was had by all-those not smart enough to wear sweat pants, well lets just say, belts were opening all over the place.

I like snow for Yule/Christmas-Suzy Snowflake and her sisters gently dancing their way to the ground. Dancing on tree branches and houses, sparkling like miniature diamonds in the morning sun. Didn't Happen! As you are aware, by my last post, that on December 2 we had a fuckin' blizzard and Ice!!!!! I know what you're thinking - at least you had a white holiday - fuuck no! The shit had all melted a week later. Our temps have been averaging in the 40's.

So no snow for Yule/Christmas. A few days before the holiday, Haggar fell down some steps (he's going to live) and has a lovely bruise on his left ass cheek and lower back. I took him to the emergency room here in Kenosha, he was complaining of pain in his back (duh! You'll see in a minute) stating that his legs were numb while in the car and that his arm from shoulder to elbow were as well. They ex-rayed his neck and did a CT scan. They never even looked at his back (told ya)! We went home.

Haggar was fighting with his family (again) so we didn't go to Christmas dinner at his sisters. No gifts were exchanged.

We were arguing, I had a cold (feeling as if I had been shot at and missed, and shit at and hit) and spent the holiday on the sofa.

No Christmas dinner and gift exchange at Hildegards. No ham or Turkey or stuffing, no candied yams or mashed potatoes, no hot rolls, no cranberry sauce and worst of all, no pie. Nothing! Stayed home mad and sick eating chicken soup and drinking tea. No grand feast for us, Haggar wore sweats anyway.

It is now New Years Eve day, I know, this post is too fucking long. Too bad. I'm pretty much chillin' for now. We are going to a New Years Eve party tonight, it's an overnighter, no drunk driving.

I wish for you all to have a Happy and Safe holiday!

The year is almost over and I am on the last of my ponderables.

330) Birthdays only come once a year... Aren't you glad you're not a birthday :)

331) Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft ........Today, it's called Golf.

332) How many licks does it really take to get to the center of a Tootsie pop?

333) Are the Blue Man Group related to the Smurfs?

See you next year.

2006-12-31T11:34:00.000-06:00

Haggar and Me

2006-12-31T11:33:00.000-06:00

Cutting the cake - my shirt reads "don't make me get my flying monkies"

2006-12-31T11:32:00.001-06:00

Haggar, Manic Witch and Me

2006-12-31T11:32:00.000-06:00

The Wedding Party

2006-12-31T11:31:00.001-06:00

snogging

2006-12-31T11:31:00.000-06:00

Exchanging rings

2006-12-31T11:29:00.000-06:00

Wedding

2006-12-02T15:47:00.000-06:00

Ok who did it? You just couldn't be nice about it could you?

Normally I look forward to the first snow fall of the year.

Did we get gentle flakes falling - a light dusting covering the trees and ground - making it look all Christmasey.

Fuck no! You send me a blizzard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BTW - Alan, we cleared the primary nest in Kenosha. Prisoners were taken.

Viccus - ...........

2006-11-30T15:55:00.000-06:00

No I haven't fallen off the planet. Since I got married we have moved twice. Haggar and I are now living in Kenosha, Wisconsin. My computer still lives in Zion, Illinois (I hope to have it moved up and back online consistently by the end of the year). I'll post picks as soon as I am able.
We had perfect weather for the wedding, it was held outdoors at the Forrest preserve. Manic Witch did a wonderful job performing the ceremony. I do believe that a good time was had by all.
We stayed and partied until sundown, then got the gifts home and walked to the bar next door and continued the party. Haggar and I got very drunk, staggered home, drank some more with a few friends, bid them farewell, and passed out. So much for consummating the marriage, LOL.
I'll post more as soon as I am able. Until then:

Tequila Christmas Cake

1 cup water
1 tsp.. baking soda
1 cup sugar
1 tsp.. salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups dried fruit

Sample the tequila to check quality. (I already sampled it.....several times to check the quality)
Take a large bowl, check the tequila again.
To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

At this point its best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup...just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit up off the floor.

Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something.

Check the tequila.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.
Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window.

Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.

CHERRY MISTMAS!

2006-04-13T09:10:00.000-05:00

I am doing something that I vowed I'd never do again. I swore I'd never let a man talk me into it. Some may see it as degrading, some may see it as a duty, some may even see it as erotic. I however, had always seen it as forced submission.
Oh what the hell, I love him, and when you love someone you sometimes do things that you never thought you would ever do...

I'm getting MARRIED...

that's right, you heard it here folks. On May 6th I will don the chains of wedlock and become Mrs. RH.

I hear the sound of hearts breaking all over the world.

Don't worry my friends...

When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.

When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

When you are confused -- I will use little words.

When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend".

Remember.......A good friend will help you move..... a REALLY good friend will help you move a body....... let me know if you ever need me to bring a shovel.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth!

2006-03-27T09:41:00.000-06:00

Two - two - two jokes in one post!

Thanks to my Aunt Karen:

The dangers of Horseback Riding

A young blonde woman decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway! The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious of its slipping rider. Finally, losing her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over and over. As her head is battered against the ground and she is mere moments away from unconsciousness, to her great fortune, Frank the Walmart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

Thanks to Kevin for this one:

The Three Bears

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in her little chair at the
table. She looks into her little bowl. It is empty.
"Who's been eating my porridge?!!" she squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He
looks into his big bowl and it is also empty.
"Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the
kitchen and yells...
"For Goodness Sake, how many times do we have to go through
this with you idiots?
It was Mummy Bear who got up first,
it was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house,
it was Mummy Bear who made the coffee,
it was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last
night, and put everything away,
it was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air
to fetch the newspaper,
it was Mummy Bear who set the damn table,
it was Mummy Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the
litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish,
and now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses
downstairs and grace Mummy Bear's kitchen with your Grumpy presence,
listen good, coz I'm only going to say this one more time...
I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!"

2006-03-22T08:11:00.000-06:00

Good morning boys and girls. As usual, things are hopping in the Queendom of Broomhildaland. R and I have to move at the end of the month, we have found a small basement apartment. It is across the street and two houses down from the house that I own in Zion (I sense a bit of irony here). The down side is that it needs work, the up side is that there is no security deposit if we do the work. Since the work required is mostly cosmetic in nature and R builds houses for a living, we decided to take it.

I received my link card, wich for my overseas friends is the same a food-stamps. Yes the state gives me $55.00 a month for food. I was turned down for the medical card until I can meet the spend down of $200.00 (which I did last night).

I had to make a trip to the emergency-room last night, I'm allright, I just had so much back pain that I couldn't stand it. I'm telling ya, I was ready to climb the clock-tower but couldn't. I'm on a stronger pain med and a better muscle relaxer. I feel much better now. X-rays showed degenerative something or other in c5-6. I have a Dr. appt on friday, and an appt with an orthopedist (sp?) on April 7th. Today I'll make my appt. with the oral surgeon.

I know that you all wish you were me right now, go on admit it - it's ok. LOL

Advice for the ladies.........decades too late!!

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section

Buy a dog.

If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you

Buy a dog.

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it

Buy a dog

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want

Buy a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies.

Buy a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores

Buy a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually

Buy a dog.

But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness...

Then................. Buy a cat!

(You thought I was talking about a man didn't you?)

2006-03-03T11:40:00.000-06:00

My vote for man of the year.

2006-03-01T13:09:00.000-06:00

A quick post just to update you on whats been happening in the Queendom of Broomhilda land. The lovely rheumatologist has given me a prescription for Hydrocodone 5/Acetaminophen 500mg to be taken 1 tab a day a needed for pain. This basically Vicadin with Tylenol. It works better than the stuff that I had before. However, she only gave me thirty with no refill and I don't see her for 2 months. She wants me to start exercising again, ok no problem. Last Tuesday I over did it and was in so much pain Wednesday that even with taking 4 of my pain pills (yes, I spaced them out throughout the day) and using the heating pad - I could barely get out of bed.
The rundown of my meds is now as follows;
Topiramate 200 mg daily (mood stabilizer)
Fluoxetine HCL 20 mg daily (Prozac - anti-depressant)
Hydrocodone 5/Acetaminophen 500mg daily as needed (pain med)
Cyclobenzaprine HCL 10 mg 3 times a day as needed (muscle relaxer)
Amitriptyline HCL 10 mg daily (sleeping pill)
Ibuprophen 800mg twice daily (anti-inflammatory)
AAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!

On the dental front, I successfully made it through my dental exam with out harming myself or the dentist. He took x-rays and gave me a referral to an oral surgeon. I need to have thirteen teeth extracted at a cost of $250.00 - $300.oo per extraction! I went down to the Public aid office and applied for the medical card and food stamps. I am waiting to here from them. Its the only way that my teeth are going to get done.

More night-time power surges to contend with...that clock tower is looking better and better. Shut up - I am not having mood swings! I'm not!

Thanks to my friend Kevin for this one:

An arrest at JFK

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered
to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight
while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide
rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said
he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.
The FBI is charging him with carrying weapons of math instruction.
Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Gonzalez said. "They desire average
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in
a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and
'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined
they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with
coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used
to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have
given us more fingers and toes".

2006-02-03T09:28:00.000-06:00

All is well on the domestic front...R and I are getting along well.
I have an appointment with the rheumatology clinic next week. I do hope that the doctor will give me something for pain that actually works. It is getting a bit annoying to be walking around with a burning pain in my muscles and having little to no relief. Oh well, at least it isn't too bad...most of the time I don't feel like shooting myself in the head.
I finally got an appointment with the county dental clinic, (yea!) lets see how long it will take for the next appointment. I know that they will have to send me to the University of Chicago to see the oral surgeon. All of my upper teeth need to be removed and I have one lower front tooth that has to come out as well. I know that the clinic will give me a full denture, I'm not sure if they will do a partial for the lower though. How long I shall have to be toothless is also unknown at this time. A fun time for all I'm sure.
Topping all of this good news off is night sweats and hot flashes/power surges in abundance lately. This is not condusive to restful sleep or positive moods. It's a good thing that my anti-depressant works well or I might just entertain thoughts of climbing a clock-tower with an automatic rifle.
I do apologize to my blogging friends for not visiting, I find that I rarely have computer time lately.

I would like to thank my Aunt K. for the following...

The deadly GARDEN SNAKE

Never bring plants into the house.

Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can
be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.

Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent
cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.
About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man.
He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she
felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to
revive her. The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery
store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor
lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the
women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
The little snake again crawled out from under the sofa. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over
and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, the burning drapes, were seen by the neighbors who called the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire truck ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
That's when he shot her.

2006-01-12T11:20:00.000-06:00

I hope that everyone had a wonderful holiday. I sure did! So much to tell that I don't know where to begin.

R, moved in with me the week before Thanksgiving - things are going well. We went to my sister's home for that feast. On X-mas day we went to my brother's home and feasted there. I made out like a bandit in the gift department. We went out New Years eve and both looked quite good, him in his suit and me in my new little black dress and stiletto heels (I looked so HOT).

I'm still catching up on hundreds of e-mails, as I have been remiss in checking them lately. I went back to bingo last week... having taking off over a month to adjust to the prozac. The side effects have completely left me. I gained 10 pounds over the holidays, yikes! I can't wait for warm weather so I can use my new 21 speed mountain bike, that should help take off those extra pounds.

I have been having trouble with my back again, my Doc gave me a muscle relaxer, ibuprophen, and a pain med. That helped with my lower back, but didn't help much with the neck and shoulders. That seemed to be getting worse. Yesterday I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia (sp?). This is why the muscle relaxer and pain med didn't work. Doc still has me on the ibuprophen and two new pain meds, one of which is also to help me sleep. I call her on Monday for the results of my other tests.

Ponderables

320) It's OK to laugh during sex - just don't point .

321) There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

322) Is there life before coffee? Yes, but not intelligent life.

323) Some people live life in the fast lane , I live in oncoming traffic!

324) Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice Doggie!"... until you can find a rock .

325) Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before

326) There is always one more imbecile than you counted on .

327) We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?

328) If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy!

329) I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is getting better.

2005-12-16T12:55:00.000-06:00

I wish to thank I roomie and friend the Goddess Hope for this!

A Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed. He cussed out the elves and threw down his list. Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks. I have a good mind to scrap the whole works! I've busted my ass for damn near a year, Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?

The old lady bitches cause I work late at night. The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight. Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids. Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.

And just when I thought that things would get better, Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter. They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny...Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits. They want the impossible--Those mean little shits. I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds, Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads. I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them, They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees, Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees. I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason, I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season!

2005-11-30T11:14:00.000-06:00

I'm Baaaaaaaaaaaaack!

So much has been going on since last I posted I don't know where to begin.
Things didn't work out with F.
Rob and I got back together and he moved in with me last week, we will see how this works out. Some maggot keyed my car.
The Prozac is working out well.
Rob spent Thanksgiving with my family (yes, I am torturing him already! Hehehehehe!)
Tomorrow I go get squished.
Friday Christmas/Yule shopping and I'm looking for a really great red dress.
what else? Argh! Fucking sometimers disease, major brain crampage, memory cell meltdown. I will attempt to post more later, I don't get over to the house as often any more.

Ponderables

310) Of course I'm in a bad mood... Someone just dropped a house on my sister !

311) My body is a temple. Wanna come over for Midnight Mass ?

312) Q: What do you say to an angry Witch?
A: Ribbit

313) Q: What do you get when you cross an agnostic, an insomniac, and a dyslexic?
A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog

314) Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

315) I'm not panicking. I'm watching you panic. It's much more entertaining .

316) Don't try to out weird me . I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal .

317) I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce .

318) Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

319) Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.. Albert Einstein

2005-11-01T09:02:00.000-06:00

It has been a week now since I started on the Prozac...some of the side effects are mild nausea (fortunately this is not constant or it would be most irritating) and I have noticed that I seem to be clenching my jaw a lot this may or may not be related to the stiffness in my neck. I'll give it another week to see if these side effects fade, if not, I'm calling the Bubblehead. Of course, my moods are still going up and down but that is to be expected, it generally takes 3 - 4 weeks for my body to adjust to meds and for there to noticeable change.

Wednesday night I did not go out as usual, I felt like I had been shot at and missed and shit at and hit. So I stayed home, curled up in bed, watched a little TV and went to sleep early.

Thursday night I went to a sex toy party, afterward, Lori and I stopped in at the Pit, she had a beer and I drank water. I gave her a ride home and called it a night.

Friday night I went to the Halloween party at the Pit...I looked good. I took 2nd place in the costume contest! I also met a very nice man, I'll call him F. We talked for several hours and even danced once. When he asked, I gave him my number. He asked what I was doing on Saturday night and I told him that I was going to the Halloween party at the Lights. He asked if I minded if he met me there, I told him that I didn't mind.

Saturday I discovered that at some point on Friday night F had slipped a piece of paper with his home and cell phone numbers into my phone. Hope and I went to the party at the Lights and true to his word F showed up. We talked for a couple more hours and he asked me if he had thanked me for our dance on Friday. He gave me his address and before he left stated that if he wasn't being to forward, I was welcome to come over. I did thank him but declined the offer. I want to get to know him better.

Sunday was a fairly lazy day and Monday I felt like crap. F called me Monday evening to wish me a happy Halloween, he knows that I'm Wiccan and that Halloween is one of our more important holidays. He scored some points with that one.
Hope got her stitches removed on Monday, she is recovering nicely from the accident.

Ponderables

300) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."

301) On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

302) On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent: "Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine."

303) I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

304) Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

305) I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me ... they were cramming for their finals.

306) Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

307) Turtles can breathe through their butts.

308) If you had a sandwich made with 'Spam', wouldn't that then actually be a "Spamwich"?

309) I'm not a bad witch - I'm a grumpy witch

2005-10-25T13:51:00.000-05:00

I don't mind fall - I just wish the fucking weather would make up it's mind - it's playing hell with my sinus'.

Thursday night I went out - 95 WILL Rock - a Local radio station - was doing a live feed from the Pit. It was packed! I ran into my buddy Ed, just before last call we left the Pit and went to the Lights. The Lights is open an hour later than the Pit. We had a couple more beers there, after we left, he caused me to do something that - well - I'm quite frankly ashamed to admit...
He caused me to...eat a double cheeseburger...at 2:00 a.m.!!!!!! I am so fucking weak! Oh it started out innocently enough, he asked me to take him to McDonalds before I dropped him off. I told him it wouldn't be a problem, we pull up to the drive up, he asks if I want any thing. Before I could stop my self, I order a double cheese burger from the dollar menu. I tell myself, I'll save, I'll eat it for lunch. I drop him off at his place. I pull around the corner, pull over, and devour the cheeseburger. I feel so weak, so cheap, so easy. I don't want to go home, I can't face myself. I go over and visit my ex-boyfriend Rob instead. I drink a beer and get laid (3 times). When I wake up I am feeling much better about myself, after all, it was only a fucking cheeseburger.

Friday night my roommate Hope and I went out to the lights. We ran into Ed and his new squeeze. I like this one, she's a keeper. I really hope things work out between them. We all drank a bit, did some dancing, Hope and the New girl both sang. It was fun for all. I went to the Pit for awhile. Then it was back to Robs.

Saturday was a lazy day - slept in late. Robe came over. We watched movies all day, he stayed the night.

Sunday I took him home. We were cooking brunch when I get a call the Hope had been in a car accident. I left his place and ended up spending 8 and 1/2 house in the emergency room with her. She is fine, but does have 8 stiches in her head and a totaled car. Her daugher and I took turns on concussion watch overnight and Monday.

Today I went to see Dr. Bubblehead. She started me on Prozac. Depression always gets worse this time of year and I have been having some trouble with it. So lets see how I'm going to react to this.
I need to run now, need to put gas in the car and pick Hope up from work. Then I need food.

2005-10-20T11:19:00.000-05:00

I have survived and recovered from candy days. My buddy Ed filmed and broadcast some of it on his local cable show. It's good publicity for the club. I went out last night for my usual ladies night, got a bit drunk had a good time, woke up alone though. I'm getting rather tired of that. It would be nice to have someone steady in my life again, but I haven't met any keepers lately.
Someone called me at 5 a.m. from a private number, I have no idea who this was, I was sleeping and missed the call. Probably a wrong number. Someone keeps trying to instant message me on my phone, I don't subscribe to that service so now I need to find out who it is and tell them to just call me.

Alice and Frank were Bungee-jumping one day. Alice said to Frank, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Progresso, Mexico and begin to set up on the square at the end of the bridge. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, she's bruised and bleeding. Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine...it was the crowd.
What the hell is a pinata?!"

2005-10-12T11:09:00.000-05:00

I can't believe that it has been a fucking week since I last posted! I have been busier than a one legged woman in an ass kicking contest.

Tuesday night I met my buddy Ed up at the Lights for drinks, no he's not that kind of buddy, just friends. We got pleasantly buzzed. He asked me to take him to the Pit so he could confront (in a non-confrontational way) the shark that had dumped him on his birthday. It was difficult for him, but he was able to put some closure to it.

Wednesday night is always ladies night. I meet up with my friends Lori and Bridget at the Pit. We had a pretty good time, nothing exciting, just singing, dancing and flirting with the guys. The usual.

Thursday Ed called and asked me to meet him at the Pit. He wanted to let me know he had begun dating a new woman and they seem to get along very well. He's happy and I'm hoping things work out for him with this one.

Friday afternoon Hot guy called, he wanted to stop over for an afternoon of wild sex before he had to go to work. I nearly killed me to have to turn him down... a combination of having just gotten my period (after a 60 day break) and the rehearsal for Sabrina's wedding. After the rehearsal I met up with the girls at the Pit, pretzel boy was there, you remember him, the 25 year old that attempted to fold me into origami shapes. He was trying to get me to go home with him. Damn, two chances at booty and I had to pass on both!

Saturday evening was the wedding. It went very well. As the officiant, I was worried that I would trip over the words, or begin hacking and coughing. It was outdoors and rather chilly. I spoke as quickly as I could without rushing the ceremony too much. The bride was beautiful. I have several compliments on the service. It was really nice to see Manic Witch and her hubby, I haven't seen them in awhile and miss them. I have a slight cold that I am fighting, mostly in my sinus and throat.

Sunday I went to the Lights for a Pig roast. Curtis Lowe and the Reverb Kings played. The food was great and the band kicked ass! My ass kept getting slapped... reminder to self... don't walk to close to bikers! After I left there, I stopped in at the Pit for a bit. Had a few with Ed and a couple of the fellas that I know then went home.

Monday and Tuesday nights I stayed home. Today I am working on Candy days stuff. It is the Lions club biggest fund raiser of the year. No bingo for me tonight, I don't even think that I will go out tonight. I will be running around like a chicken with it's head cut off now through Sunday. I plan on being in a coma on Monday.

I need a cabana boy Monday to take care of me!!!!

Ponderables

290) Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

291) Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

292) In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

293) Law of Drunkenness: You can't fall off the floor.

294) The first myth of management is that it exists.

295) For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

296) If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

297) There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called Dildo.

298) Average life expectancy ( in seconds ) of an enemy soldier in a Chuck Norris film : 4

299) On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping."

2005-10-05T13:26:00.000-05:00

The following female comebacks are courtesy of my sister.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Ponderables

280) In the beginning the Universe was created... This made a lot of people angry and was widely regarded as a bad move.

281) I will endure all this subhuman driveling shit with a smile

282) Don't think of it as being outnumbered, think of it as a wide target selection.

283) One of the major functions of skin is to keep people who look at you from throwing up.

284) Never accept a drink from a urologist.

285) Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

286) When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

287) If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

288) Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

289) You always find something in the last place you look.

2005-10-02T15:44:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Kev over at Darkest Before Dawn for emailing this joke to me.

President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy".
" No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs Bush was struck by a friendly fire missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," said the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either".

2005-10-02T15:28:00.000-05:00

UPDATE to my Friday post - Jordan has been found and is safe!

2005-09-30T09:37:00.000-05:00

This is a very serious post today - a child has been abducted. You help is needed.

Jordan

This is Jordan. He is 6 years old. He is missing.

Please look at this picture.
Please read the information I'm about to tell you about him. Please ask your friends and family to learn the same. Contact your local police department if you have any information.

Jordan Rolfe (birth name) or Jordan Barry (name he chooses to use)
Born: March 10, 1999
Height: 4 feet
Weight: 50 pounds
Hair : Dark Brown, straight, medium-short length
Marks: Scar on middle back, rash (exzema) on right arm and wrist, wart on right thumb.
Last seen wearing a grey shirt with a navy blue collar and blue shorts with orange flames on the sides.
Taken from the city of Strongsville, Ohio.
Last seen in Lakewood, Ohio on Clifton Blvd. 9-28-05 at 10:00 a.m.

For more detailed information please go here or here.

2005-09-30T09:36:00.000-05:00

Nancy, Jordan's mother

We suspect that she will be trying to make her way either towards Mexico, or Florida.

Nancy Rolfe may be driving a White Chevy conversion van with light blue or green pin stripes. She may also be with a friend who drives a white Honda with black trim. Nancy may be going by the name "Flora" and may have altered her appearance to look like an older woman. Nancy is in her 40's, thin, dark hair and approx. 5'6" tall.

2005-09-27T11:49:00.000-05:00

Here are a few of the latest searches to find my blog:

how to get rid of armadillo in your yard - how?

debacherous halloween party Chicago - please tell me where

forced to lick ass crack - this is just sick

Ponderables

270) I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.

271) WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

272) Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

273) Some people just don't know how to drive... I call these people "Everybody But Me."

274) Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

275) Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

276) Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.

277) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

278) When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."

279) "Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates what is the meaning of life?' or 'Socrates how can I find happiness?', did anyone ever say 'Socrates hemlock is poison.'???????" -Socrates minutes before death.

2005-09-26T09:35:00.000-05:00

SOME men are wankers! The one to which I refer is the 49 year old wanker I had dinner with on Friday.

Saturday morning the Wanker calls me and asks if I want to go to breakfast...WTF? I say no. He asks if I'm mad at him, to which I reply yes and start to ask him why he walked out when he just hung up.
Saturday night my friend Lori and I went to the Pit for Fiesta night. The wanker was there. He started buying us shots and beers almost the moment we walked in. After about two rounds he comes over and says that he knows I'm mad but he isn't sure why. D'uh, hello... you walked out on the date while I was in the bathroom (moron). His excuse was that he was really drunk and just had to leave right then. The rest of the night he kept buying my friend and I drinks and trying to hang on me. I hardly spoke to him, wouldn't dance with him, let him know (when he kept trying to put his arms around me) that we were not out on a date, and fluttered around the bar like I usually do.
Around 9 p.m. the worlds worst DJ (hired just for Fiesta night) began playing music. Wanker was acting an even bigger asshole. About 9:30 L's cute brother E showed up, by around 10 p.m. the DJ had gotten the boot. Around 11:30 p.m. wanker announces that he was leaving, L and I say goodbye and thank you for the drinks as he walks off in a huff. I spy him awhile later in the pool room. 1 a.m. L and I leave for another bar, as we are walking out, wanker sarcastically says bye, thanks. At 1:40 a.m. he calls me and says "Thanks for taking advantage of me two nights in a row" then hangs up.
What a fucking immature wanker! I had seriously considered giving him a piece of my mind the next time I run into him. I think that I will just ignore him from now on, if he ever tries to buy me a drink again, I'll just refuse it or send it back.
I never get shit like this from the young ones.

2005-09-24T13:34:00.000-05:00

Ok, the guy that asked me out to dinner call shortly after I posted my blog yesterday. I did go out to dinner with him last night, I had a great rib-eye steak dinner. After dinner, he took me to the bar and dancing, bought me roses, I was having a nice time. Around midnight he was trying to get me to go back to his place, while he is a nice man, that was just not going to happen. I told him that I was not going to go home with him. He seemed to take it well. While I was in the bathroom, he left... without a word. Fucktard!
Fortunately, I had my car at the bar. I stayed until closing then went to another bar with two of my girls. While there, the very young (25) and very cute DJ from the previous bar and one of his friends comes in. He comes over and starts talking to me. I asked what brought them there and he replied that he heard we were going to be there. What is it with the 25 year old men lately? They seem to be coming out of the wood work. DJ is a really good kisser... and did not feel the need to turn me into a pretzel.

2005-09-23T11:23:00.000-05:00

Who took my week and where did you put it? I can't believe it's Friday already, damn! I have no idea what happened to the time.

What is it with men who bug you for your phone number and when you finally decided to give it to them, they don't call?

...or, the ones who give you their number and ask you to call them, then never return your call?

Is it just me?

What's up with the guy who asks you out to dinner for Friday night, says I'll call you Thursday to confirm, then doesn't call? Does this mean that he has just blown you off?
...as far as I'm concerned, no call, no date.

I am really getting fed up with men, they are starting to piss me off. I am to the point where I don't even want to get laid! I know, I know, hard to believe...
I am just so disgusted with the gender as a whole lately...

2005-09-19T11:54:00.000-05:00

after a GREAT many shots, I decided to show off my bra.

As you will see by the photographic evidence, I had a drunken blast at my birthday. Many family and friends showed up and the beer and shots were flowing. The rose in the above pic is a real flower not a tattoo. I did manage to walk to the car at the end of the night, however, I'm not sure if I required assistance or not. I did go to the tavern next to my home afterward for last call where I saw my friend R. I remember leaving with him, but alas, I woke up alone.
Saturday night I went out for round two of the birthday celebration, although, there was more dancing and less drinking. Had a great time. Sunday was spent lazing about in recovery.
Thank you to every who sent their birthday wishes.

2005-09-19T11:53:00.000-05:00

after several drinks

2005-09-19T11:52:00.000-05:00

me with some of my family

2005-09-19T11:51:00.000-05:00

Me and my roomate H at the beginning of the birthday night.

2005-09-16T10:30:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday to ME!

Today shall be spent in preparation for my partying tonight. I gave myself a manicure last evening and carefully chose the outfit that I will be wearing. Today I will give myself a facial and of course the usual shower and shaving of all the girlie bits. I have decided to curl my hair and wear makeup for a change, anyone who knows me in the real world knows that this will be a Kodak moment. Yes, I'm a bit of a natural gal, rarely wearing makeup or fussing about with my hair.

The decision to wear high heels may prove hazardous, however, as I intend to be carried out of the tavern tonight anyway, I'm not excessively worried. I will have to kick them off for some of the more strenuous dancing as the night wears on.

Please join me in a drink tonight, raise your glass around 8 p.m. central time here in the U.S. and my friends overseas, around 8 p.m. your time (I'll not ask you to stay up that late).

cheers!

2005-09-15T10:29:00.000-05:00

Ponderables

260) If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

261) Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

262) Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

263) Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

264) Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
(thanks to Gregg at http://www.mgdiablog.blogspot.com/ for #260-264)

265) Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."

266) The proctologist called ...they found your head.

267) Everyone has a photographic memory ...some just don't have any film.

268) Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

269) Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

2005-09-14T09:58:00.000-05:00

I must apologize to my bloggie friends, I have been remiss in my posting and visiting duties lately. I shall endeavor to keep up better now that I am more settled in at the new place.

I have realized that I need to start working out again, due to gas prices, I haven't been to the 'House of Torture' in quite some time and I have noticed the difference. I did however, finally find my bellydancing workout DVD. I worked out to that on Monday, and will be using it again today. I figure, every other day with that one, it's really fun, but tiring and a good workout. I think that I need to get a beginner yoga DVD to use on the other days, I need to work on flexibility, LOL.

It looks like several people will be coming to my birthday party. Anyone living in the area is welcome to stop in at the bar and buy me a drink.

You may have noticed that I haven't posted any ponderables in sometime, well, I am running out. So email me your ponderables, quotes, one-liners, etc... I'll add them to the list and give you credit for them.

I have been working on an idea for a new book, outlining the story, beginning to work on character development, and starting my research. I don't know if I am going to attempt to get the first one published or not. Having gone back and re-read it entirely, I'm not happy with it. I think I'll just shelve it for now. I learned a lot just from writing it. This second one is going to take a lot longer to write and hopefully have more substance to it.

I must thank my Aunt K for emailing me this one...

Driving

Man driving down road.

Woman driving up same road ...

They pass each other.

The woman yells out the window, PIG!

Man yells out window, B I T C H!

Man rounds next curve. Crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road, and dies.

Thought For The Day : If only men would listen...

2005-09-11T13:35:00.000-05:00

Friday night turned out to be an exciting night. I did indeed go out dancing as planned and I did consume a moderate amount of alcohol. As for what happened next...
as most of you know I do have a tendency to go out with younger men on occasion. I generally have an age cut off at around 30 years, no younger. Well...on Friday I did make an exception. He was 25. I don't think I will be bending my rule again, I just don't have the energy, lol.
After an incredible night (and most of the next morning) of wild sex, during which I was bent into positions that I didn't know I could bend into...I am still in recovery.

It has been suggested that on my Birthday I take a slower, gentler approach to celebration. One more fitting to one of my 'advancing' years. My dear Vicus, fuck that! I am not ready for the raisin ranch yet, thank you very much.
To my LRP friends, I am sorry that I missed our coffee on Saturday, but I did have to sleep sometime.

2005-09-09T12:20:00.000-05:00

Well boys and girls, the weekend is upon us once again. I wish that I had something clever and witty to say, but alas, my brain fails me.

I shall go out dancing tonight in an effort to shake loose some clever repartee, or possibly find a reasonably funny tale to tell. Yes one and all, I will shake and gyrate my cute and somewhat smaller ass for the exercise (not to mention the entertainment and admiration of others). I may or may not consume large amounts of alcohol and may or may not get laid.

Fall is upon us, when this young girls thoughts turn to one thing...Birthday presents!!!!!!
I am gathering together as many of my friends and family together at the Harbor Lights on Friday September 16 to help me celebrate. I have a designated driver for the night and the plans are to receive a lot of loot, get obscenely drunk, get laid and pass out. It should be noted that this may not occur in that particular order.

2005-09-07T11:16:00.000-05:00

THE ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?

A: It's Braille for suck here.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?

A: It's the same as a french kiss, but only "down under."

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?

A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But then they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?

A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch . . . .

2005-09-06T15:17:00.000-05:00

I've been trying to post from home for two days now...ahhhh... the joys of Comcast internet. I've finally made it over to the house to use my own computer. This will have to be a quick few words. I'm off to a wake for my cousin Terry McNeil. He passed away suddenly on Friday, my Aunt K called me this morning to let me know.

I have been somewhat pre-celebrating my birthday, it is on the 16th...so you have plenty of shopping days left, lol.

2005-09-01T12:49:00.000-05:00

Ponderables

250) Earn cash in your spare time... blackmail friends.

251) Let the wild rumpus begin!

252) Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.

253) VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

254) You have the right to remain silent... Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

255) For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

256) Happy is the one who eats not the yellow snow.

257) Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

258) Is it possible to be totally partial?

259) What's another word for thesaurus?

(thanks to Gregg at http://www.mgdiablog.blogspot.com/ for #257-259)

2005-08-29T17:30:00.000-05:00

ROTFLMAO - someone found my site searching 'a witch with a house of chicken legs'!

I shit you not.

2005-08-29T12:14:00.000-05:00

I apologize to those of the blonde persuasion who are intelligent this is obviously, not about you.

A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear ofthe vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs.
It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?" "My car broke down," says the lady, calmly. "Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks the cop...

"Those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

Ponderables

240) He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."

241) I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

242) And which parallel universe did you crawl out of?

243) If love is blind, then why do they make lingerie?

244) For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.

245) The only difference between graffiti & philosophy is the word fuck...

246) It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious.

247) Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it!

248) I'm not your type, I'm not inflatable

249) We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.

2005-08-26T10:29:00.000-05:00

I want to thank my sister for emailing me the following joke:

Dirty dishes

A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner.

"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape."

"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.

"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet. So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.

"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence. Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

Ponderables

230) I know Kung Fu, Karate, and 47 other dangerous words.

231) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

232) Landing: a controlled mid-air collision with a planet

233) Did you know that Jeffrey Dahmer was the only man in America whose bologna really did have a first name?

234) If you had everything, where would you keep it?

235) Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
(thanks to Gregg at http://www.mgdiablog.blogspot.com/ for that one)

236) Ever notice how irons have a setting for 'permanent' press? I don't get it...

237) I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

238) When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

239) A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

2005-08-25T00:23:00.000-05:00

I have closet doors! Monday Rob came over, hung my closet doors and installed cable in my room for me. I am a happy girl. I even helped him clean out his camper as a thank you, that was a lot of work! Single men can be very messy and seem to collect a lot of crap. It took the better part of the day just to weed out all the junk and sanitize all the surfaces in there. It is now safe for human habitation. Just in time to use it this weekend.

Tuesday was a quiet relaxing day, H and I went out and played darts in the evening. I had my best night so far, won all but one game, which is suprising as she is a far superior player. We met a couple of nice young men at the Lights and I learned to play Cricket. We played partners with them for about half of the night then went home.

Bingo was something else last night. I worked in the non-smoking room...they are brutal in there! I have never been yelled at so much for shit that I have no control over since I was a kid. I had visions of getting jumped in the parking lot. I am not working that room again unless they issue me a taser! I hit the Pit after for a much needed pint afterward and ran into some friends. Andy is going to do my new tattoo for me for $30.00 for my birthday. It will be the Japanese symbol for dragon between my shoulder blades. When I am ready, he will do my belly button piercing for $20.00 for me. I had promised myself that when I had got down to a certain size/weight I would get a new tattoo and a piercing...I'm there!

I have been a bit remiss in posting the ponderables lately so here are some more.

220) I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.

221) The Clairvoyant Society has cancelled today's meeting due to unforeseen circumstances.

222) Ecstasy - A feeling you feel when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you never felt before.

223) "... you never, for instance, hear people say, 'Is that a wad of undiscarded belly button fluff, or are you just glad to see me?'..."
-- The Usenet Oracle

224) Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

225) ON REVISIONIST HISTORY
What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?

226) You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.

227) In the realm of human destiny, the depth of man's questioning is more important than his answers.

228) Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.

229) It's not who you kill. It's what type of cereal you eat out of their skull.
(I'm thinking Special K)

2005-08-22T13:43:00.000-05:00

Good Afternoon Bloggers...

I had a wonderful, charming, witty post all typed in this morning on my room-mates computer...I swear that the thing hates me. Notice that this isn't it! Ok, maybe the post wasn't all that charming, or witty, or even wonderful, but is that any reason to freeze up? Is that any reason to not respond? Is it the fucking dial-up connection? Is that why even when I can access my blog I can't read my comments? Is it gremlins in the system?

My weekend started off with a Friday night filled with darts, pints, dancing and an afterhours party. Whoo Hoo! Very little sleep for this party animal.

Saturday was filled with domestic duties. We rearranged furniture...my job was to disassemble the fucking huge entertainment center. I had my cordless drill with attachments, flat tip screwdriver and a claw hammer. I went to work, a true Goddess of disassembly. Once said unit was in pieces, it was moved up stairs to the family room.
I now had the task of reassembly. Not generally a problem, as I had carefully laid out the pieces in order when I had taken the unit apart. The 'helpers' that carried the pieces upstairs while I was on a break however, did not see the value of laying them back out in this pattern. When I saw this, I mentally began to compose an email to Martha Stewart for prison cell decorating tips. It took quite a bit more time to reassemble said unit, however, I did persevere. I am good!
After many more domestic chores and a much needed shower, my roommate H, friend Rob and I all went out for a couple of hours for darts, drinks and dancing. Needless to say, the party animal once again got very little sleep.

Sunday was filled with more domestic chores but on a smaller scale. I did and am still wrestling with my closet doors. For some reason, the hardware doesn't want to cooperate. I managed to one of them hung up. I did, however, sleep like the dead.

Today, I have the other two doors to wrestle with, I am determined to win! I shall not be taken down by a couple of hollow core doors!

So how was your weekend?

2005-08-19T09:46:00.000-05:00

Me (in the blue) and my friend Amy at her birthday party Saturday night. We were both trashed. Yes, I got my hair cut, Amy cut it.

Ok boys and girls and those who just aren't sure, it's time that I finally blogged again.

I want to thank all of you who offered their support this past week, it really helped. I am feeling fine now.

First let me clarify something - Amy did not cut my hair at the party, she cut it at the salon where she works, last week. She cut off a little more than 10 inches of hair, we donated it to locks of love. I now feel very sassy.

I went out Tuesday night and celebrated life, got buzzed, got lost in Kenosha, didn't get home until 3:30 a.m.!
Then my friend Rob woke me up at 5:30 Wednesday morning, when he came over to trim the tree between the house and the driveway. He kept me up all day hauling the branches first from that tree then the others he decided needed trimming. Shithead had me so tired that I didn't have time to think about the day. I know that is what he had planned, but his plan worked a little to well...I fell asleep on him. I heard about that Thursday morning, lol! It was his own fault, I told him I needed a nap.

Last night I went to a bingo meeting and training session for our new machines, I do believe that I will get the hang of them.

Today, I will be going around to local businesses and soliciting donations for Lions Club Candy Days. I will be reminding the local area business owners what we do for the local community. All of the contributions are used exclusively by the Lions of Illinois Foundation and the Winthrop Harbor Lions Club to help those in need of vision and hearing care. The Lions of Illinois Foundation supports the Glaucoma and Hearing units that visit and offer free screenings to many communities, the Illinois Eye Research Institute, Camp Lions, Social Services and Refferal Programs, Used Eyeglass Collections, etc...
I am in a very good mood today - I have high hopes for this. I know, it will be like pulling teeth, but I shall use guilt if I have to...

On a personal note - My roommate H, gave me a pair of jeans...size 13!!!!!!!! I am doing the naked, tiara wearing happy dance. I haven't worn a size 13, it's been so long that I can't remember that far back.

One more thing - Johnny B's Save the Post Office video is out, please show Johnny your support.

2005-08-12T11:06:00.000-05:00

I have not been sleeping well, I know that is not news to most of you. It has been worse than usual lately. The 25th anniversary of a horrendous moment in my life is coming up on the 17th of August. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to handle it. I only told one person about the 'event', not even my family knows, and I'm still not going to share this with them.

On August 17, 1980 I was raped and strangled by a man that I had been dating for six months. He was stopped and I was revived. It was never reported to the police and as it turns out, the name that I knew him by, wasn't even his real name. I sometimes call this the Anniversary of my murder, for I did die briefly, and sometimes call it my almost murder day. Now, I had thought I had worked through this. Perhaps it is the fact that it is the 25th anniversary of the 'event' that has me rattled, I don't know, but the nightmares are back.

Sometimes I think that I shall celebrate the fact that I am alive, other times I think that I shall just bunker into my room and drink. I honestly don't know what I will do, apart from continue to take my meds and talk to my doc.

I know that this is a bummer post to leave you with for the weekend, but I just needed to vent.

2005-08-10T12:29:00.000-05:00

Ponderables

210) My life is based on a true story.

211) Laugh and the world laughs with you, puke and you're on your own.

212) 333 - I'm a devil doing a half-assed job!

213) What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about?

214) I'm not perfect, but parts of me are incredible.

215) I'm still hot, it just comes in flashes now.

216) What would Scooby Do?

217) Unlike computers, women reject a 3 1/2 inch floppy.

218) "Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again."
-- TV listing for the movie, The Wizard of Oz, in the Marin Paper.

219) ON MODERNISM
Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

2005-08-09T11:04:00.000-05:00

...I rolled him over onto his back and mounted him. He was so hard and the feeling of him entering me nearly caused me to cum again. I started out slowly, with every intention of making things last as long as possible. His hands, on my hips, were encouraging me to move faster. The way he moved with me and the feel of him inside me was causing heat and chills in me all at the same time. We changed positions. I got on my hands and knees with him behind me, he reentered me and slowly began to thrust. I discovered that I enjoyed this and thrust back. Our movements soon became more insistent. Harder, deeper, faster...
I exploded again and he erupted with me. We both collapsed on the bed, holding each other for a long time...

So that was how my encounter with Hot Guy went.

2005-08-08T11:45:00.000-05:00

...he lay me down on the bed and very slowly began kissing my neck. His hands messaging my breasts. The anticipation driving me crazy and heating me up at the same time. When he finally took my nipple into his mouth, sucking and lightly biting it, my mind went blank. There was nothing but sensation, nothing but the feel of electricity running through my body. His hands moved lower and he soon discovered that I was already wet. He moved lower wanting to taste me. As he gently licked and sucked on my clit he began to hum, turning himself into the human equivalent of a vibrator. The man had to literally hold my hips to keep me from coming up off the bed as I exploded. When I was finally able to breath again...

2005-08-05T13:41:00.000-05:00

Ok, here is a refresher on how I happened to meet hot guy, please note, he started out as just the cute guy.

Thursday, February 10, 2005
2 a.m. and I can't sleep. It's times like these that I really miss not having someone to snuggle up to. My Brain is going 240 and all I can think is, I want to be held. All this thinking must have fried a synapse or something. Of course, if I was in my own bed instead of on the couch at my brother's house maybe I would be asleep right now. I will just be glad when we get the house sold and I can get into a little place by myself. Perhaps then I will be able to relax. I just feel so alone.
Yesterday was a pretty good day, not exciting, but good. I managed to work on my book a little. I got some laundry done and the cute guy at the gas station flirted with me. That I must admit, was an ego boost I needed. But as I sit here, that has faded and the shadows of loneliness have crept into it's place. I know that this shall pass eventually, but until it does the tears once again come unbidden.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005
This just sucks big harry monkey cock! I am living back at the house. My family, who had been so supportive of me, has now turned their backs on me. I have no where else to go for now. I can no longer stay at my brothers. My Sil doesn't want me there. So I am now looking for a place that I can afford. I don't get paid until the 3rd and I still need to find a car and have bills to pay here. Fuck, Fuck, Fuckity, Fuck, Fuck!The only bright spot is that the hot guy at the gas station called me. He has the hots for me and me for him. The downside is, he is involved. His relationship is on the rocks, but he is still involved. That makes him off limits. So no hanky panky. Fuck, Fuck, Fuckity, Fuck, Fuck! This has not been my day.

Sunday, March 27, 2005
12:50 p.m. I got home about 20 minutes ago, an interesting development last night. I went out to my usual haunt and was having a so-so time. It was rather dead in the place so I left and went to the other place I like to go to for a while. When I came back, about an hour and a half later, the beautiful young man that I had posted about on March 14th was there with his SIL (brother's wife). He had come looking for me. As soon as I walked in the door he approached and guided me over to where they were sitting to join them.We left rather early and dropped his sil off. Then back to his place for a couple more drinks. I have not slept on a waterbed since 1980 something, I forgot how comfortable they are. I just discovered that he programmed his number into my phone and I have a feeling he has probably retrieved my number as well. Except for this nasty sinus headache, I feel very relaxed.When it rains it pours. I had no intention of seeing Beautiful Young Man again, until last night. Hot guy (posted about him on Feb 10th and 16th) has been calling about once a week, now that he has moved out on his own. Although we have met for a quick drink, we have made no definite plans to go out. And then there is the Gentleman, who I have not seen since last weekend and have no plans to. What is a woman to do?

Friday, April 01, 2005
Update - I am in too good a mood to play any April fools jokes, and I really don't feel much like posting anything right now. I had a date with hot guy today. I had a perfectly wonderful day, and I can't seem to stop smiling.

...now that everyone is up to speed on how I met hot guy...

When he took me in his arms and kissed me, it felt like a lightning bolt shot through my body. It didn't take us long to begin undressing each other and moving toward the bed...still kissing and caressing. His hands felt strong and slightly calloused and were very sure of what they were doing. He seemed to know just how to touch me, he was making my knees weak.
More on Monday.

Ponderables

200) If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?

201) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

202) Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe, you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

203) Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

204) Don't drink and park: Accidents cause people.

205) Do boxer shorts box?

206) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

207) Is grass really greener on the other side?

208) If money is the root of all evil, why do churches beg for it?

209) Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

2005-08-04T11:58:00.000-05:00

The hot guy post may have to be delayed just a bit, it is taking longer to write up than I thought. Having written about sex, you'd think I'd understand this by now. Never fear, I will post it soon, It may be a two or three parter.

There was much excitement at bingo last night, we got new machines, because of this, the tables were set up in a new configuration. This led to some conflict and we had three very heated arguments over seating among players. I thought they might even come to blows at one point. Sure they look like sweet little old ladies...

My blog has been rated over at bloghop - I've had two ratings so far, 1 love it and 1 sucks. Yeah!

Ponderables

190) If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?

191) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

192) Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

193) Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a use by date?

194) Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

195) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

196) What do people in China call their good plates?

197) If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

198) Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.

199) What do you call male ballerinas?

2005-08-03T12:15:00.000-05:00

Just a mundane post for today.

I think we should name it Bob. What do you think?
Something new has been added to the World Cup, this brings a new definition to scoring.

I received my beautiful invitation to Sabrina's wedding. I do believe that I will go, especially since I am officiating. It is generally preferred that the minister show up for the service, lol.

Hot guy and I are trying to coordinate our schedules for our 'date'. We did have some really good phone sex this morning. Tomorrow or Friday I'll talk about the one and only time we had gotten together, that was not long before I met Bh. I want to remember all the details of that day.
Warning to my more sensitive readers - It will be a rather explicit post.

I think I will also post about sex with Bh and something that I learned about myself from that. These two men have each, in their own way, taught me something about myself.

Ponderables

180) There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.

181) Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

182) Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

183) Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

184) Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

185) If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

186) Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

187) Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

188) If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

189) Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say "hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?

2005-08-01T11:29:00.000-05:00

I have managed to get the vast majority of the large heavy stuff moved, I did have some helpers finally show up yesterday. My dresser is in my room and set up. The couch, end tables, my t.v., stereo, and one bookcase are all at the new place. I have some of my clothes over there and only three pair of the neverending collection of shoes. Fortunately, I can slowly move the rest of my things over at my own pace now.

My computer and desk are still at the house, I'm spoiled with the DSL, and there is only dial-up at the new place. For now, I'll keep the computer where it is as I still need to come over here almost daily until the house sells.

Today is part one of the ritual of the bills, then catching up on blog reading, then cleaning, I'm waiting for the air conditioner repairman (not a warranty repair), then I will go home and relax. I am taking tomorrow off. I am not doing anything but laze around. I may come over here to blog, I may not.

Now all I need is a massage and some TLC. A booty call, that's it, that's exactly what I need. I called Hot guy and let him know that I moved. Some of you will remember him from sometime back...
well even after I started dating Bh, I kept his number, just in case things didn't work out. I'm glad I did. He's calling me back later today and we are making a date...

Ponderables

170) If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

171) If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

172) Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

173) The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

174) A closed mouth gathers no foot.

175) Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

176) We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass... Then things get worse.

177) Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

178) There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

179) No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

2005-07-31T11:15:00.000-05:00

The great moving adventure continues, my cousin let me keep his truck for another day. All that I managed to get moved yesterday was my bed, my heavy ass, queen size bed. Guess what boys and girls, the fucking box spring would not fit downstairs, I can't get it anywhere near my room!!! Bright and early Wednesday I will have to go down and put a two piece box spring on lay-away, until then, I am sleeping on my mattress on the floor. Oh, well, at least it's not the couch. This morning I did have a helper, between him, my ex and I, we managed to get my very long and very heavy dresser down the stairs and loaded onto the truck. It is now over at the new place, however it is not yet in my new room as it was too heavy for just the two of us (my helper and I) to maneuver. Helper has since had to report to work and I am once again helperless.
The saga continues.

Ponderables

160) Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

161) If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

162) Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

163) Whatever happened to preparations A through G? 26.

164) The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

165) If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? (thanks to Gregg)

166) Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

167) If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? (thanks to Gregg)

168) No one is listening until you fart.

169) Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

2005-07-30T12:34:00.000-05:00

3:34 p.m. and here I sit, no one has shown up yet and I can't load the fucking truck by myself! I am seriously pissed off now. Older nephew is going to get an ear full. Bh, so much for friendship, he is going to get an ear full as well! I'm going to have to be too busy the next time he asks for my help with anything! Assholes!

I have the truck, got the bed disassembled, the ex helped me bring it downstairs. The muscle was supposed to show up at 10:30 this a.m. - they still aren't here. I did speak with Bh, so I know why he's late, but older nephew is a no show-no call. I am seriously getting pissed off.

Ponderables

150) If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

151) STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

152) You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

153) Clones are people two.

154) If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

155) No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

156) If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

157) Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

158) Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

159) Think "honk" if you're telepathic.

2005-07-29T08:55:00.000-05:00

Busy day today, packing with a slight hangover. Not really a hangover, no headache or nausea, just a general, blah, no energy feeling. Of course, the fact that I have had only four and a half hours of sleep and only one cup of coffee so far doesn't help. I shall get the job done though.

Ponderables

140) Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

141) Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?

142) Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

143) Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

144) Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

145) If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

146) I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

147) Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do... write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

148) Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

149) How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

2005-07-28T09:30:00.000-05:00

Talk about getting your sea legs.
Never taunt a woman with a sword!
Now this is my idea of an exhibit!

Yet another Update - Per the Lifetime web site -
"NEWS UPDATE Lifetime Viewers Help Get New Breast Cancer Legislation Introduced on Capitol Hill

U.S. Senators Olympia J. Snowe (R-ME) and Mary L. Landrieu (D-LA) and U.S. Representatives Sue Kelly (R-NY) and Rosa DeLauro (D-CT) introduced The Breast Cancer Patient Protection Act of 2005. As part of the network's Stop Breast Cancer for Life advocacy campaign, Lifetime has been working to pass this legislation since 1996 and now has collected more than 10 million petition signatures from viewers who have showed support for Congress to pass this bill."

Evidently, the bill has not yet been passed, it is on the hill and in committee. Thanks to Greg for the tip.

Update - Thanks to Manic Witch for pointing out that the bill below has already been passed. I really must learn to fucking read, either that, or not post anything until AFTER, I have been awake for more than 20 minutes and have had at least my second cup of coffee.

Joking aside for a moment, this is something on importantly to every woman and anyone who has ever loved a woman (ie. Mother, wife, girlfriend, daughter)...
Thanks to H.R.M. Queen of the Universe for emailing this to me:

'Mastectomy Bill in Congress

It takes 2 seconds to do this and is very important...please take the time and do it really quick!

Breast Cancer Hospitalization Bill - Important legislation for all women.

Please send this to everyone in your address book. If there was ever a time when our voices and choices should be heard, this is one of those times. If you are receiving this it's because I think you will take the 30 seconds to go and vote on this issue and send it on to others you know who will do the same.
There's a bill called the Breast Cancer Patient Protection Act which will require insurance companies to cover a minimum 48-hour hospital stay for patients undergoing a mastectomy. It's about eliminating the "drive-through mastectomy" where women are forced to go home hours after surgery against the wishes of their doctor, still groggy from anesthesia and sometimes with drainage tubes still attached.
Lifetime Television has put this bill on their web page with a petition drive to show your support. Last year over half the House signed on.
PLEASE!! Sign the petition by clicking on the web site below. You need not give more than your name and zip code number.
Mastectomy Bill '

I now return you to our regularly scheduled programming.

Vanderbilt

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