Tuesday, June 23, 2009

What a wonderful thing mid-life is...

Sunday we went to my nephew Thors home for fathers day. He will be a daddy in November. Hildegard, her hubby, Redneck and my other nephew Fester accompanied us. We had a wonderful meal that Thor BBQ'd for us, and a good time was had by all.

The torture began on Monday! For those of you that have yet to experience the joys and wonder that is a colonoscopy, let me fill you in...

24 hours prior to this treat, you must be on a liquid diet. You can have broth and jello, but nothing solid or red in color to either eat or drink. In my case it was chicken broth and orange jello. At 2 p.m. you mix a product called "GoLytely" in a one gallon jug with lukewarm water. You must consume one half gallon between the hours of 2-4 pm.

While this a VERY effective product, it tastes like salty water. This product contains polyethylene glycol, sodium sulfate, sodium bicarbonate, sodium chloride and potassium chloride.

Ok not too bad, however, immediately upon consuming the first mouthful, the gag reflex kicks in. It took me almost an hour to drink the first glassful! While chugging (trust me) on the second glassful, it kicks in. So now, I'm in the bathroom trying to finish off the rest of the first half gallon. Meanwhile, I'm gagging, belching to try and relieve the stomach cramping that the squrits aren't taking care of.

In case you are wondering, yes I managed to finish the first round of liquid by 4 p.m. I suggest that prior to undergoing this procedure, you procure some "Cottonelle Wipes" or some equivalent. One can only take the pain of toilet paper on a raw and delicate area for so long. By 6 p.m., I'm finally able to leave the bathroom for more than 2 minutes at a time.

Now comes round two, repeat the above between the hours of 7-9 p.m. I was finally able to get to sleep at around 2 a.m. Clean as a whistle inside and out.

At 6 a.m. the alarm from hell screams me awake. Auntie K, picks me up at 7 a.m. and we drive through rush-hour traffic to the VA hospital. At approximately 8:15 a.m. we arrive. At 8:45 they take me into out-patient surgery to prep me. There a wonderful nurse starts an IV, and drugs me (YEA!!!!), however, it's not enough to knock me out, just enough to put me into la la land.

Needless to say, I am awake for the entire procedure, watching a scope going through the exit only section of my body on TV. OMG, what they don't tell you, is that they are pumping air into your colon as they run the prob through there. Talk about stomach cramps!!! That was the longest 25min. of my life! 7 polyps were found and removed. I'll have the pathology results in 3-4 weeks. Barring any problems, I get to repeat this again in 5 years. I know that sounds like a long time, but trust me, it's not long enough.

After about 45min. in the recovery room, Auntie drives me home. Drowsy, stoned and sore, I arrive home to a very bitchy Haggar. I had to tell him to shut up, I had one man up my asshole already today, I didn't need another.

So how was your day?

Why is it that sometimes just living is an act of courage?

In life, why are there so many questions?

Is life just something to do when you can't get to sleep?

Can't you claim you have a life if you like what you're doing? Or does everyone else have to like what you're doing too? And what did you have before it was classed as a life?

Why do we need science fiction when life is already so bizarre?

What good is a ticket to the good life if you can't find the entrance?

Isn't life just like a candy bar? By the time you get to the creamy center isn't the outside already melted?

Isn't everybody somebody else's weirdo?

What's it all about?

Did you ever wonder that if everybody became somebody there wouldn't be anybody left to be nobody?

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 10:14 PM

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