Sunday, May 20, 2007

ok this one is really funny!!!!

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there

was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds as prisoners in his room. "He's just

lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad, can you help?" I put my best lizard-

healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was

indeed lying on his back, looking stressed, I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," Icalled,

"come look at the lizard!" "Oh, my gosh!" my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having

babies." "What?" my son demanded, "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally

outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I

accused my wife. "Well , what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I

actually think she said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys,"

I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah,

Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she

I informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think!?). By now the rest of the family had

gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is

going to be a wondrous experience, I announced: "We're about to witness the miracle of birth.

" "Oh. gross!" they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter

of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think sh e was being snotty

here, too. Don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a

tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making

much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my

son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it

next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same

results. "Should I caI1 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us

through the trauma. " (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) "Let's get Ernie

to the vet, " I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.

(Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this

boy is of her womb, for God's sake.) The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered

at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I

suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I

speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie

going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in

labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male.

And occasionally, as they come intomaturity, like most male species, they um.um. pleasure

themselves. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you

know what I'm saying Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just. just.

excited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.

Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I

demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming

affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's

just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow

in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thank ed the Vet and hurriedly bundled

the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know

Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea, " Closed

mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2- Lizards -$140
1 -Cage -$50
Trip to the Vet -$30
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie... Priceless!

Moral of the story: Finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!!
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Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 5:21 PM

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Friday, May 18, 2007

Haggar got me the most beautiful gold and diamond ring for our first anniversary on May 7 th. He is such a sweetie sometimes.

On Saturday, May 19, Waterseer (one of my coven sisters) and I will be having a Psychic Saturday at the Barn. It is a bar next to where I live. I scry and she does tarot, so we will be offering readings for $10.00. We will also be selling jewelry, essential oil perfumes, bath salts and massage oils that I have made. Hopefully it will be a good night for us. We are trying to raise money for a Covenstead and store.

The book research is continuing, thank you to those of you who read the draft of my first chapter (posted on Monday April 16) and gave me your input. It has helped guide me in a good direction. Please do not hesitate to email me any questions about Eclectic Wicca that you have, I will do my best to answer them, and those asks will be also answered in the book.

As I mentioned before, I am researching and writing four books at the moment;

1) Introduction to Eclectic Wicca - A 101 Course: this will concentrate on the religious aspects of Eclectic Wicca and a brief history of modern Wicca.

2) Eclectic Wicca 102: This will concentrate on the ritual and magickal aspects of the craft.

3) An Encyclopedia of Goddesses and Gods from Paleolithic times to Present.

4) A history of Creation Myths Around the World - from Paleolithic to Today.

If you have anything you think would add to these topics, please don't hesitate to email me at wiccavic2002@yahoo.com

I do hope you enjoy the following:

The End of the Raven

by Edgar Allen Poe's Cat

On a night quite unenchanting,

when the rain was downward slanting,

I awakened to the ranting

of the man I catch mice for.
Tipsy and a bit unshaven,

in a tone I found quite craven,

Poe was talking to a Raven perched

above the chamber door.

"Raven's very tasty," thought I,

as I tiptoed o'er the floor,

"There is nothing I like more".

Soft upon the rug I treaded,

calm and careful as I headed

Towards his roost atop that dreaded

bust of Pallas I deplore.

While the bard and birdie chattered,

I made sure that nothing clattered,

Creaked, or snapped, or fell, or shattered,

as I crossed the corridor;

For his house is crammed with trinkets,

curios and weird decor -

Bric-a-brac and junk galore.

Still the Raven never fluttered,

standing stock-still as he uttered,

In a voice that shrieked and sputtered,

his two cents' worth - "Nevermore."

While this dirge the birdbrain kept up,

oh, so silently I crept up,

Then I crouched and quickly leapt up,

pouncing on the feathered bore.

Soon he was a heap of plumage,

and a little blood and gore-

Only this and not much more.

"Oooo!" my pickled poet cried out,

"Pussycat, it's time I dried out!

Never sat I in my hideout

talking to a bird before.

How I've wallowed in self-pity,

while my gallant, valiant kitty

Put and end to that damned ditty" -

then I heard him start to snore.

Back atop the door I clambered,

eyed that statue I abhor,

Jumped - and smashed it on the floor.

- "The End of the Raven" by Edgar Allen Poe's Cat

(from Henry Beard's, _POETRY_FOR_CATS_, copyright 1994)

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 3:02 AM

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Friday, May 11, 2007

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64. This actually happened in Austin at MoPac Blvd and Parmer Lane
...............They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free" She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.
...............They Walk Among Us and Many Work in Food Service.

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"
...............They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff."
...............They Walk Among Us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
...............They Walk Among Us!

My friend has a lifesaving tool in his car designed to cut through a seat belt if he gets trapped. He keeps it in the trunk.
...............They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
...............They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
...............They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
..............Yep, They Walk Among Us!

They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce, and WORST OF ALL...................................

they VOTE!


I thank my Auntie K for sending me this one!

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 9:22 AM

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Thursday, May 10, 2007

Comments made in the year 1955:


"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas "

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."
"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."

"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

That's only 51 years ago!

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 7:22 PM

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