Monday, September 10, 2007

Q: Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?

A: There are no dental records and all the DNA's the same!

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to
Take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he
intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma
Moses of Jail."
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I
brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of
games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The
other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you
bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought
these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the
box,
I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

Redneck Vasectomy
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as
they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin
didn't want to have anymore children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly
alternative, said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb,
(fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then
hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in
The shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to
My ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He
held the can up to his ear and began to count...

"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
resumed counting on his other hand.


Red Neck Vacation

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells
Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this
year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took
your advice about where to go.
THREE YEARS AGO, YOU SAID TO GO TO HAWAII. I WENT TO HAWAII AND EARLENE GOT PREGNANT.

THEN TWO YEARS AGO, YOU TOLD ME TO GO TO THE BAHAMAS, AND EARLENE GOT PREGNANT AGAIN.

LAST YEAR, YOU SUGGESTED TAHITI AND DARNED IF SHE DIDN'T GET PREGNANT AGAIN!"

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's
different?"
Billy Bob says, "THIS YEAR SHE'S GOIN' WITH ME!!"

Redneck Pickup Lines

1) Did you fart, cause you blew me away.
2) Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.
3) My Love for you is like diarrhea .. I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.
6) If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.
7) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a
light switch away.
8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
9) I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went
into this cheap motel room.
11) Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until
the afternoon.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 9:29 AM

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