Monday, July 09, 2007

A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were all sitting around one day talking about how much their lives sucked.

The cucumber said:

'Man, my life sucks. Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad'.

So the pickle looks at him and says:

'You think you have it bad? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me, and sticks me in a jar'.

The penis glared at them both and said:

'You guys think you have it rough? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, they put a rubber tarp over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out'."



GRANDMA IN COURT

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a
question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a
Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a
grand-motherly elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and
asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known
you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never
will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I
know you.'

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense
attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley
since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a
drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone
and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to
mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them
was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very
quiet voice, said,
If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to
the electric chair.'

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 9:52 PM

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