Monday, March 27, 2006

Two - two - two jokes in one post!

Thanks to my Aunt Karen:

The dangers of Horseback Riding

A young blonde woman decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway! The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious of its slipping rider. Finally, losing her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over and over. As her head is battered against the ground and she is mere moments away from unconsciousness, to her great fortune, Frank the Walmart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.


Thanks to Kevin for this one:

The Three Bears

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in her little chair at the
table. She looks into her little bowl. It is empty.
"Who's been eating my porridge?!!" she squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He
looks into his big bowl and it is also empty.
"Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the
kitchen and yells...
"For Goodness Sake, how many times do we have to go through
this with you idiots?
It was Mummy Bear who got up first,
it was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house,
it was Mummy Bear who made the coffee,
it was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last
night, and put everything away,
it was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air
to fetch the newspaper,
it was Mummy Bear who set the damn table,
it was Mummy Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the
litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish,
and now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses
downstairs and grace Mummy Bear's kitchen with your Grumpy presence,
listen good, coz I'm only going to say this one more time...
I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!"

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 9:41 AM

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Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Good morning boys and girls. As usual, things are hopping in the Queendom of Broomhildaland. R and I have to move at the end of the month, we have found a small basement apartment. It is across the street and two houses down from the house that I own in Zion (I sense a bit of irony here). The down side is that it needs work, the up side is that there is no security deposit if we do the work. Since the work required is mostly cosmetic in nature and R builds houses for a living, we decided to take it.

I received my link card, wich for my overseas friends is the same a food-stamps. Yes the state gives me $55.00 a month for food. I was turned down for the medical card until I can meet the spend down of $200.00 (which I did last night).

I had to make a trip to the emergency-room last night, I'm allright, I just had so much back pain that I couldn't stand it. I'm telling ya, I was ready to climb the clock-tower but couldn't. I'm on a stronger pain med and a better muscle relaxer. I feel much better now. X-rays showed degenerative something or other in c5-6. I have a Dr. appt on friday, and an appt with an orthopedist (sp?) on April 7th. Today I'll make my appt. with the oral surgeon.

I know that you all wish you were me right now, go on admit it - it's ok. LOL

Advice for the ladies.........decades too late!!


If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section


Buy a dog.


If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you


Buy a dog.


If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it


Buy a dog


If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want


Buy a dog.


If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies.


Buy a dog.


If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores


Buy a dog.


If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually

Buy a dog.


But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness...



Then................. Buy a cat!



(You thought I was talking about a man didn't you?)

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 8:11 AM

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Friday, March 03, 2006

My vote for man of the year. 

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 11:40 AM

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Wednesday, March 01, 2006

A quick post just to update you on whats been happening in the Queendom of Broomhilda land. The lovely rheumatologist has given me a prescription for Hydrocodone 5/Acetaminophen 500mg to be taken 1 tab a day a needed for pain. This basically Vicadin with Tylenol. It works better than the stuff that I had before. However, she only gave me thirty with no refill and I don't see her for 2 months. She wants me to start exercising again, ok no problem. Last Tuesday I over did it and was in so much pain Wednesday that even with taking 4 of my pain pills (yes, I spaced them out throughout the day) and using the heating pad - I could barely get out of bed.
The rundown of my meds is now as follows;
Topiramate 200 mg daily (mood stabilizer)
Fluoxetine HCL 20 mg daily (Prozac - anti-depressant)
Hydrocodone 5/Acetaminophen 500mg daily as needed (pain med)
Cyclobenzaprine HCL 10 mg 3 times a day as needed (muscle relaxer)
Amitriptyline HCL 10 mg daily (sleeping pill)
Ibuprophen 800mg twice daily (anti-inflammatory)
AAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!

On the dental front, I successfully made it through my dental exam with out harming myself or the dentist. He took x-rays and gave me a referral to an oral surgeon. I need to have thirteen teeth extracted at a cost of $250.00 - $300.oo per extraction! I went down to the Public aid office and applied for the medical card and food stamps. I am waiting to here from them. Its the only way that my teeth are going to get done.

More night-time power surges to contend with...that clock tower is looking better and better. Shut up - I am not having mood swings! I'm not!

Thanks to my friend Kevin for this one:

An arrest at JFK

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered
to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight
while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide
rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said
he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.
The FBI is charging him with carrying weapons of math instruction.
Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Gonzalez said. "They desire average
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in
a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and
'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined
they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with
coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used
to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have
given us more fingers and toes".

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 1:09 PM

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