Menopausal Bi-Polar Witch Babbling
The great moving adventure continues, my cousin let me keep his truck for another day. All that I managed to get moved yesterday was my bed, my heavy ass, queen size bed. Guess what boys and girls, the fucking box spring would not fit downstairs, I can't get it anywhere near my room!!! Bright and early Wednesday I will have to go down and put a two piece box spring on lay-away, until then, I am sleeping on my mattress on the floor. Oh, well, at least it's not the couch. This morning I did have a helper, between him, my ex and I, we managed to get my very long and very heavy dresser down the stairs and loaded onto the truck. It is now over at the new place, however it is not yet in my new room as it was too heavy for just the two of us (my helper and I) to maneuver. Helper has since had to report to work and I am once again helperless.
The saga continues.
Ponderables
160) Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
161) If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
162) Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?
163) Whatever happened to preparations A through G? 26.
164) The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
165) If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? (thanks to Gregg)
166) Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
167) If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? (thanks to Gregg)
168) No one is listening until you fart.
169) Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
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3:34 p.m. and here I sit, no one has shown up yet and I can't load the fucking truck by myself! I am seriously pissed off now. Older nephew is going to get an ear full. Bh, so much for friendship, he is going to get an ear full as well! I'm going to have to be too busy the next time he asks for my help with anything! Assholes!
I have the truck, got the bed disassembled, the ex helped me bring it downstairs. The muscle was supposed to show up at 10:30 this a.m. - they still aren't here. I did speak with Bh, so I know why he's late, but older nephew is a no show-no call. I am seriously getting pissed off.
Ponderables
150) If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
151) STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
152) You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
153) Clones are people two.
154) If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
155) No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
156) If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
157) Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
158) Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
159) Think "honk" if you're telepathic.
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Busy day today, packing with a slight hangover. Not really a hangover, no headache or nausea, just a general, blah, no energy feeling. Of course, the fact that I have had only four and a half hours of sleep and only one cup of coffee so far doesn't help. I shall get the job done though.
Ponderables
140) Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
141) Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
142) Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
143) Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
144) Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?
145) If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
146) I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
147) Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do... write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
148) Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
149) How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
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Talk about getting your sea legs.
Never taunt a woman with a sword!
Now this is my idea of an exhibit!
Yet another Update - Per the Lifetime web site -
"NEWS UPDATE Lifetime Viewers Help Get New Breast Cancer Legislation Introduced on Capitol Hill
U.S. Senators Olympia J. Snowe (R-ME) and Mary L. Landrieu (D-LA) and U.S. Representatives Sue Kelly (R-NY) and Rosa DeLauro (D-CT) introduced The Breast Cancer Patient Protection Act of 2005. As part of the network's Stop Breast Cancer for Life advocacy campaign, Lifetime has been working to pass this legislation since 1996 and now has collected more than 10 million petition signatures from viewers who have showed support for Congress to pass this bill."
Evidently, the bill has not yet been passed, it is on the hill and in committee. Thanks to Greg for the tip.
Update - Thanks to Manic Witch for pointing out that the bill below has already been passed. I really must learn to fucking read, either that, or not post anything until AFTER, I have been awake for more than 20 minutes and have had at least my second cup of coffee.
Joking aside for a moment, this is something on importantly to every woman and anyone who has ever loved a woman (ie. Mother, wife, girlfriend, daughter)...
Thanks to H.R.M. Queen of the Universe for emailing this to me:
'Mastectomy Bill in Congress
It takes 2 seconds to do this and is very important...please take the time and do it really quick!
Breast Cancer Hospitalization Bill - Important legislation for all women.
Please send this to everyone in your address book. If there was ever a time when our voices and choices should be heard, this is one of those times. If you are receiving this it's because I think you will take the 30 seconds to go and vote on this issue and send it on to others you know who will do the same.
There's a bill called the Breast Cancer Patient Protection Act which will require insurance companies to cover a minimum 48-hour hospital stay for patients undergoing a mastectomy. It's about eliminating the "drive-through mastectomy" where women are forced to go home hours after surgery against the wishes of their doctor, still groggy from anesthesia and sometimes with drainage tubes still attached.
Lifetime Television has put this bill on their web page with a petition drive to show your support. Last year over half the House signed on.
PLEASE!! Sign the petition by clicking on the web site below. You need not give more than your name and zip code number.
Mastectomy Bill '
I now return you to our regularly scheduled programming.
Vanderbilt
130) Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
131) Why is a boxing ring square?
132) Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
133) Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
134) Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
135) Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
136) Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?
137) Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
138) Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
139) Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
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I have a very busy few days coming up:
I have bingo today
Major packing to do
Spell work to complete Thursday night
More packing Friday
I have to trade my car with my cousin for use of his pickup truck so that I can move on Saturday morning (not a permanent trade, he has to work Saturday).
I need to rustle up some more muscle to help with the heavy stuff.
Move Saturday morning
I have a Surprise party (adult novelties, lingerie, sex toys, ect...) to attend Saturday night at the house I am moving to.
More bottles to finish cleaning
More oils to blend ( I have the first few floral samples blended)
Start the first of the month 'Ritual of the bills'
Find a cabana boy to give me an all over massage.
Collapse into a coma.
I think that about covers it, I am quite sure that I am forgetting something. Oh yeah, I still need find a buyer for the house.
Ponderables
120) If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on you headlights, what happens?
121) You know how most packages say "Open here." What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else?"
122) Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
123) Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
124) Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address, you turn the radio down?
125) Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
126) Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
127) Why does the sun lighten our hair but darken our skin?
128) Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
129) Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
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Update - Due to offers (two) I have decided to take applications for the position of cabana boy. I am currently compiling a list of job requirements and skills. So please do NOT send in your resume and picture yet.
How do you say stupid. This will either keep the abduction rate down or raise it...your thoughts?
Ponderables
110) Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
111) Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
112) Remember my name, you'll be screaming it later.
113) Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
114) Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
115) Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
116) Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
117) How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work?
118) If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
119) If a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose?
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I finally finished getting the first group of bottles cleaned out and got all the glue from the labels off. I put them through the dishwasher last night which then proceeded to leak water all over the kitchen floor. Lovely! I just need to let them dry completely and I can start mixing the first of the perfumes.
I have the second group of bottles on their second soak, they should be ready for the dishwasher in a few days.
Today should be a more tolerable 31c/88f and a chance of thunderstorms. At least it'll be cooler.
I've got the neverending buffet and bar up, so please, help yourselves.
...no one ever did send me that cabana boy! lol.
Ponderables
100) Why is a pear called a pear when there is only one?
101) What do they pack styrofoam in?
102) Why do men have nipples?
103) If buttered toast always lands butter-side down, and a cat always lands on its feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast on the back of a cat?
104) No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.
105) I've got a perfect body, but it's in the trunk and beginning to smell.
106) 8 out of 10 voices in my head say "Don't Shoot"!
107) Why do you wear a pair of panties and only one bra?
108) If Corn Oil comes from Corn, what does Baby Oil come from?
109) If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do you get Teflon to stick to a pan?
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FUCKING HOT!!!!!!
It's Sunny, 37c/100F with a heat index near 120F and humidity of 42%. Winds are out of the west at 15-25 MPH.
AAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
I live in fucking Illinois not the fucking tropics!
Quick, somebody send me a Pina Colada and a cute cabana boy (of legal age), if I'm going to be hot and sweaty, at least I want to have some fun.
Update - on the hottest day of the year so far the power goes out - for over two hours. Nice huh? I escaped over to a friends house until Con-Ed could have it restored. What's next?
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Ponderables
90) It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
91) Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
92) Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
93) There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
94) Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
95) Never miss a good chance to shut up.
96) Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
97) Why do you park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?
98) Why do you have a hot-water heater when you don't need to heat hot water?
99) Why is an orange an orange and an apple not a red?
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In light of recent events in London, I wish to say to my friends across the pond that my thoughts and prayers are still with you. I am very grateful that no one was hurt in this latest bombing attempt.
I have come to the conclusion that the suicide bomb is a most cowardly of weapons, and the bomber him/herself the most cowardly form of human being.
I mean seriously, think about it:
I disagree with your politics or your religion or your viewpoint or whatever,
hard solution - discussion, try to see your viewpoint, try to get you to see my viewpoint, try for understanding, try to find some common ground - work at it!
easy solution - find some coward to strap a bomb to, send him out to take as many people out as possible, instill fear to make a point, my way is right and the only way, I will convert you to my way or you will die.
The problem with the easy solution is that it is only an illusion. It strengthens the resolve of those you are trying to convert. Yes, you do cause fear and panic, initially, but that turns to anger and defiance. Courage in the face of adversity.
So you see, you are accomplishing the exact opposite of what you hoped with your bomb. Instead of demoralizing a people, you have brought them closer together. By demonstrating their courage, they have shown you for the cowards you are.
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Tuesday night I got hit with a wicked migrane right behind the eyes. It felt like my eyes were going to pop out of their sockets. I hate when I get these, fortunately, I only get them about once or twice a year. It does make sleep difficult, I can only sleep a couple of hours at a time. Wednesday the migrane was gone but I was exhausted and felt like death warmed over. I missed bingo for the first time since I started working it just so that I could recover. I am back to my 'normal' self today however and feeling full of piss and vinegar.
The young-un got back-handed by her now ex-bf last week. I am one seriously pissed off witch. No coward disguised as a man has the right to do that. And even thought I am hurt that the young-un broke the code (she has started dating Bh now) her ex has something coming his way. Tonight is the full moon - and I have something planned for his woman beating ass. There will be magick afoot. When it comes to domestic violence, I don't play!
Bh has plans of his own for the little pissant.
Ponderables
80) Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
81) Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
82) If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
83) Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the fuck alone.
84) It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper that's the time to do it.
85) Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
86) Give a man the fire and you'll keep him warm for one day. Set the man on fire -- and you'll keep him warm for the rest of his life.
87) No one is listening until you make a mistake.
88) Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
89) It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
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I know, I posted these out of order.
Ponderables
56) He/she has a Mind Like a Steel Trap, everything that goes in gets crushed and mangled.
57) Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
58) If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?
59) Light travels faster than sound, that's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
60) He must have gotten into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
61) The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead.
62) Have you considered suing your brains for nonsupport ?
63) Marriages are made in heaven...so is thunder and lightning
64) Don't sweat the petty things or pet sweaty things.
65) A hard-on does NOT count as personal growth
66) Memo:
Effective Immediately:
All employees will be required to take a combination of Gingko and Viagra, so you can remember what the fuck you're doing!!
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My brain has been doing a lot of night traveling lately, this is not condusive to restful sleep. My body feels rested but my mind feels...scattered. I am going through a learning phase on an Astral level and while I find it both frightening and exciting, I will be glad when it's over. I knew it was coming, I go through this about once a decade. It's a period of spiritual growth, but rather than the slow constant that is normal, it is as if all of the information taken in over the last ten years has been stored up and is now being suddenly uploaded. I literally leave my body and see everything, weigh it, sort through it, keep what I need and toss out the rest. Spiritual housekeeping on an Astral level. Exhausting process but well worth it in the end.
Ponderables
67) I am the Imp of the Perverse - knowing this won't help you, either
68) Rule #1: You can't cure stupid !
69) If at first you don't succeed try try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
70) I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you
71) If something goes without saying, let it!
72) Any twelve people who can't get themselves out of jury duty are NOT my peers.
73) You're allowed 1 more Piss and 1 more Whine but you're over the limit on Moaning, Grumbling and Complaining.
74) Everyone has a right to be stupid, some just abuse the privilege
75) Welcome To Shit Creek - Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!
76) How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
77) I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
78) 100,000 sperm to choose from, and you were the fastest?
79) How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus ? At the circus the clowns don't talk.
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Some hits I've gotten recently
gang gang dance survival of the shittiest - LMAO I don't know why!
cold heartless bipolar wife - This is what I truly want to be - NOT!
girls with periods in pic - You're a sick fuck!
milking wenches - Warning, they are very angry over labor conditions.
bi polar mormons - Where?
what will make your vagina taste good? - Try hygiene. D'uh!
witch dracula ants eat solid food - explain this one to me.
torture"staked out"sun insects - I keep telling you, stake them out naked to fire ant hills.
tubular meat wrap - It's called a condom
menopausal lingerie - mood lingeree.
my "family thinks I am stupid" - don't worry about it.
the mayor is a babbling idiot - I think that's a job requirement
pic/very/sexy/sleep wear - available at the gift shop
rat-terrier genetics bi - top secret, I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.
I love waffles vicky - I love waffles too, or do you mean you love waffles on me? I only wear waffles on special occasions and only with whipped cream.
how to keep squirrels the out of my flowers - this is quite simple, give them Vodka.
vicky sleep - I do not sleep on command, however, when I do sleep it is all snuggly
hot lick me stories - available for a price
interrogation+torture+nipples+tits+captured+spy - I have ways of making you talk
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The weekend all you can eat buffet is set up and the bar is open. I have a replenishing spell in place. There is also a spell that allows you to order anything you want (food or alcohol). If you don't see it, just ask.
Bingo went well Wednesday night, Bh worked the table with me so I wasn't run ragged. Around 8 p.m. there is a 15 min. break, that is when I set up the machine for the Blackout game. I take out all of the balls and place them in there corresponding slots on the board, then, as Wednesday was the 13th it was odds, so I placed all of the even numbered balls back into the machine.
My friend J was busting my chops as I was doing this, telling me that I was gripping the balls to hard, "gently" she said, laughing. I told her that I didn't need to drop one and have it go flying across the room and to go sit down.
After the break, I started the machine and began pulling and calling the even numbered balls. When the blackout game was over (we had 3 winners who split the $500.00 pot), I took my microphone and went back out on the floor. J was busting my chops saying that she had only needed a 12 to win, why didn't I call 12. I told her that was just what she deserved for criticizing my ball handling technique (plus the fact that it never came up).
Last night was our Lions club business meeting so I had an early night. In bed, or on couch I could say, by 9 p.m. I feel drained today, no energy, stiff, sore, like I've been rode hard and put away wet. It's almost noon and I'm still in my pajamas. J's working at the restaurant this afternoon and I'm supposed to go up for coffee around 3 p.m. J, who I call young-un and I are supposed to go out after she gets off work tonight, I may need a nap.
45) The Early bird may get the Worm but the Second mouse gets the Cheese!
46) Screw up? Of course we'll screw up. Do what you're best at, I always say.
47) Why be difficult ? When with a bit of effort you can be impossible?
48) Yes, I know it's bad for me, but nagging me about it might be bad for you!
49) I can deal with incompetents. I can deal with assholes. I cannot deal with incompetent assholes!
50) A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell.
51) Vegetarian: Indian word for "lousy hunter."
52) What brought you here ? And does it have reverse?
53) If he/she were any more stupid, he'd/she'd have to be watered twice a week.
54) Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an Emergency on my part.
55) Bumper sticker on Noah's Ark: "Scattered showers my ass!"
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Redneck Engineers!
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down.
Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took the measurement and said, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed, "Ain't that just like a dumb woman! We asked for the height, and she gives us the length!"
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Another Wednesday is upon us - I turn on the water tap to wash the little sleepies from my eyes...trickle, trickle, trickle. Fuck! Ok, don't panic. I quickly search my sleep addled brain, could just be a problem with this tap, I go to the kitchen and try the tap...trickle, trickle, trickle. Fuck!
Maybe the problem is just on the first floor (shut up, I said my brain was sleep addled), I trip up the stairs to the second floor bath and turn on the tap, trickle, trickle, trickle...fuck!!!!! Ok, you can panic a little.
Did I pay the last water bill? Come on Broomy think, coffee, I need coffee, wake up, wake up! Get the brain in gear! Fortunately the coffee pot had been locked and loaded the night before and freshly brewed coffee awaited me in the kitchen. One cup of coffee and one cigarette later I realize that yes, the water bill did get paid. Ok, so homeland security didn't come in the night to shut off my water for neglecting to pay my bill like a good citizen.
Now, where did I put the phone number to the public works department? I frantically search for the booklet that the village gives you when you move into the area. I finally find it and call public works, a very pleasant woman answers the phone. "Good Morning" I say. "I live on I have no water in my house street, is there a broken main or some a child in a well or some such catastrophic event going on this morning?" I ask. "No maam" she replies, laughing, "they are working on a broken valve in your area." She informs me that the estimated repair time is approximately an hour. I thank her for her time and make a note of the time that I phoned 0927 a.m. I hope that they stick to that time-table.
I must complete my morning routine. I need to get in, shower, shave my girlie bits, brush my teeth, etc...What if the handsome man of my dreams shows up suddenly at my door ready to whisk me away and I'm not ready (shut up, it could happen)?
If he doesn't show today, I still have bingo today and I need to be fresh, especially after last week. Having lost my bingo cherry, I fully expect to be calling again tonight. I am prepared. The ladies actually complimented on my calling. They said I had a good voice on the microphone and spoke clearly. I hope that I don't make any serious mistakes, they can be quite brutal to callers that do. Last week we were short handed and I had to work the raffle table by myself, I think that I have more gray hair as a result. It's not that it's that hard, but trying to keep four different banks straight and selling a raffle that I had never done before and wasn't familiar with was somewhat confusing. I used my usual smart-assed sense of humor to handle it and our regulars were wonderful. I sometimes had a bit of a line at the table but we were all laughing and joking about it. I was nearly babbling by the time bingo actually started though, I was never so glad to put the cards in the office, grab a microphone and walk the floor. And to think, I do this on a volunteer basis and love every minute of it, lol! Do you think that means I have a latent masochistic streak?
Ponderables
34) Honk If You Love Peace and Quiet.
35) Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires.
36) I'm pretty sure that 'bingo' is better than logic but I can't prove it.
37) Arkansas State Motto: Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Laugh.
38) A picture may be worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times more memory!
39) If a thing is worth doing wouldn't it have been done already?
40) If we weren't meant to eat animals why are they made of meat?
41) Ham and Eggs. Just a day's work for a chicken but a lifetime commitment for a pig.
42) If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
43) Remember that experience and guile will beat youth and enthusiasm every time.
44) When someone is acting 'for your own good', you won't like it. Furthermore, they will probably expect you to pay for it and, if they're 'protecting your morals', you'll have to pay double.
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Good morning boys and girls, it is a rainy day here and we really need it. I have had a fairly productive morning so far. I've burned a copy of 'My Time: A Boz Scaggs Anthology (1969-1997)' for a DJ friend of mine.
I have been soaking a bunch of 1 dram size oil bottles in a strong soap solution since Sunday to help remove the oil residue. Later I will don the rubber gloves, remove what I can of the labels, and into the dishwasher they will go. This should remove any remaining oil, scent and label as well as partially sterilize them. Then it's into the hot water bath on the stove and I'll boil them and finish sterilizing them. They will need to air dry for a couple of days after that before I can start filling them with oil blends.
I will be going through my formulas this week and choosing some samples of scents that I've already created and I am in the process of creating a couple of new ones for a couple of women that I know. Once I have finished, and the bottles are ready, the scents can then be blended, bottled and set aside to age for a couple of weeks. This will give me time to type up the care and information sheets and price lists.
Still no apartment available, however, my friend H, has a room she said she will rent me for $50.00 a week and has plenty of storage room for my furniture if I need it.
Bh and I have been spending a lot of time together and have done a lot of talking. We have been able to work out a lot and are actually friends now.
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If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics. These great questions and answers are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh.
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Ponderables
23) Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.
24) Gun Control: Use both hands.
25) Remember: First you pillage, then you burn.
26) To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.
27) If Ignorance Is Bliss, you must be Orgasmic.
28) Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
29) If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
30) Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.
31) Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.
32) Half The People In The World Are Below Average.
33) Failure Is Not An Option. It's bundled with your software.
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(thanks to Manic Witch for e-mailing this to me)
And the idot of the year award goes to...
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1
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2
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3
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Well, they ran my ass ragged at bingo on Wednesday. I worked the raffle table by myself for the most part since we were short handed. After the break, I did call for the Blackout game, it went so well that they had me call the final game series for the night. It was the NY series. This series starts with a regular bingo, followed with an X bingo, then a postage stamp and followed up with a cover all.
Ponderables
12) I like pitbulls too. Let's exchange recipes.
13) Time is fun when you're having flies . . . Kermit
14) Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
15) Toilet stolen from Police Station. Cops have nothing to go on.
16) If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody.
17) All power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat though.
18) If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.
19) Here I am!!! What are your other two wishes?
20) Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either.
21) A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22) Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.
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To all of my blogging friends in the UK, and especially those of you whom are directly affected by the horrific events that have just taken place in London, my prayers and thoughts are with you.
I ask that all of you who read this please send your thoughts and prayers (however it is that you pray). I will be lighting a candle today for the victims and survivors.
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I am finally recovered from a long party weekend. I drank, danced, laughed and had fun. I am going to Potowotami (sp?) Casino on Saturday with a couple of friends. I've never been there before and am looking forward to it.
It's another bingo day today and I'm supposed to call for one of the raffles called Blackout tonight. The way the game works is that on even numbered days, players blackout all the even numbers on their card/sheet. After the intermission, I will start drawing the odd numbers and calling them out. The first one that completely covers one square on their sheet either stands or raises their hand and yells that they've got it. They cannot yell Bingo or it is invalid.
Ponderables
1) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
2) The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.
3) If your voting could really change things, Congress would make it illegal.
4) A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
5) When blondes have more fun do they know it?
6) Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
7) What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
8) Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
9) The statement below is true. The statement above is false.
10) I don't have a license to kill, but I do have a learners permit.
11) He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, dead.
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Defunitions
Abdicate--v., to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Carcinoma--n., a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
Esplanade--v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Flabbergasted--adj., appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Negligent--adj., describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph--v., to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle--n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Bustard--n., a very rude Metrobus driver.
Coffee--n., a person who is coughed upon.
Flatulence--n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash--n., a rapidly receding hairline.
Semantics--n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.
Marionettes--n., residents of Washington who have been jerked around by the mayor.
Oyster--n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Frisbatarianism--n., Belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
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Actual Headlines
1. Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
8. Panda Mating Fails, Veterinarian Takes Over
9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids11. Clinton Wins Budget, More Lies Ahead
12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
13. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
16. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
17. War Dims Hope for Peace
18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
19. Cold Wave Linked to Temperature
20. Enfields Couple Slain, Police suspect Homicide
21. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
22. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery, Hundreds Dead
23. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
24. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
25. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
26. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
27. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
28. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
29. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
30. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
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The saga continues.
Ponderables
160) Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
161) If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
162) Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?
163) Whatever happened to preparations A through G? 26.
164) The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
165) If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? (thanks to Gregg)
166) Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
167) If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? (thanks to Gregg)
168) No one is listening until you fart.
169) Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 11:15 AM
I have the truck, got the bed disassembled, the ex helped me bring it downstairs. The muscle was supposed to show up at 10:30 this a.m. - they still aren't here. I did speak with Bh, so I know why he's late, but older nephew is a no show-no call. I am seriously getting pissed off.
Ponderables
150) If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
151) STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
152) You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
153) Clones are people two.
154) If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
155) No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
156) If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
157) Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
158) Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
159) Think "honk" if you're telepathic.
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 12:34 PM
Ponderables
140) Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
141) Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
142) Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
143) Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
144) Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?
145) If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
146) I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
147) Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do... write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
148) Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
149) How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 8:55 AM
Never taunt a woman with a sword!
Now this is my idea of an exhibit!
Yet another Update - Per the Lifetime web site -
"NEWS UPDATE Lifetime Viewers Help Get New Breast Cancer Legislation Introduced on Capitol Hill
U.S. Senators Olympia J. Snowe (R-ME) and Mary L. Landrieu (D-LA) and U.S. Representatives Sue Kelly (R-NY) and Rosa DeLauro (D-CT) introduced The Breast Cancer Patient Protection Act of 2005. As part of the network's Stop Breast Cancer for Life advocacy campaign, Lifetime has been working to pass this legislation since 1996 and now has collected more than 10 million petition signatures from viewers who have showed support for Congress to pass this bill."
Evidently, the bill has not yet been passed, it is on the hill and in committee. Thanks to Greg for the tip.
Update - Thanks to Manic Witch for pointing out that the bill below has already been passed. I really must learn to fucking read, either that, or not post anything until AFTER, I have been awake for more than 20 minutes and have had at least my second cup of coffee.
Joking aside for a moment, this is something on importantly to every woman and anyone who has ever loved a woman (ie. Mother, wife, girlfriend, daughter)...
Thanks to H.R.M. Queen of the Universe for emailing this to me:
'Mastectomy Bill in Congress
It takes 2 seconds to do this and is very important...please take the time and do it really quick!
Breast Cancer Hospitalization Bill - Important legislation for all women.
Please send this to everyone in your address book. If there was ever a time when our voices and choices should be heard, this is one of those times. If you are receiving this it's because I think you will take the 30 seconds to go and vote on this issue and send it on to others you know who will do the same.
There's a bill called the Breast Cancer Patient Protection Act which will require insurance companies to cover a minimum 48-hour hospital stay for patients undergoing a mastectomy. It's about eliminating the "drive-through mastectomy" where women are forced to go home hours after surgery against the wishes of their doctor, still groggy from anesthesia and sometimes with drainage tubes still attached.
Lifetime Television has put this bill on their web page with a petition drive to show your support. Last year over half the House signed on.
PLEASE!! Sign the petition by clicking on the web site below. You need not give more than your name and zip code number.
Mastectomy Bill '
I now return you to our regularly scheduled programming.
Vanderbilt
130) Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
131) Why is a boxing ring square?
132) Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
133) Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
134) Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
135) Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
136) Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?
137) Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
138) Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
139) Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 9:30 AM
I have bingo today
Major packing to do
Spell work to complete Thursday night
More packing Friday
I have to trade my car with my cousin for use of his pickup truck so that I can move on Saturday morning (not a permanent trade, he has to work Saturday).
I need to rustle up some more muscle to help with the heavy stuff.
Move Saturday morning
I have a Surprise party (adult novelties, lingerie, sex toys, ect...) to attend Saturday night at the house I am moving to.
More bottles to finish cleaning
More oils to blend ( I have the first few floral samples blended)
Start the first of the month 'Ritual of the bills'
Find a cabana boy to give me an all over massage.
Collapse into a coma.
I think that about covers it, I am quite sure that I am forgetting something. Oh yeah, I still need find a buyer for the house.
Ponderables
120) If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on you headlights, what happens?
121) You know how most packages say "Open here." What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else?"
122) Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
123) Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
124) Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address, you turn the radio down?
125) Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
126) Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
127) Why does the sun lighten our hair but darken our skin?
128) Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
129) Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 8:23 AM
How do you say stupid. This will either keep the abduction rate down or raise it...your thoughts?
Ponderables
110) Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
111) Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
112) Remember my name, you'll be screaming it later.
113) Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
114) Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
115) Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
116) Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
117) How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work?
118) If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
119) If a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose?
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 8:23 AM
I have the second group of bottles on their second soak, they should be ready for the dishwasher in a few days.
Today should be a more tolerable 31c/88f and a chance of thunderstorms. At least it'll be cooler.
I've got the neverending buffet and bar up, so please, help yourselves.
...no one ever did send me that cabana boy! lol.
Ponderables
100) Why is a pear called a pear when there is only one?
101) What do they pack styrofoam in?
102) Why do men have nipples?
103) If buttered toast always lands butter-side down, and a cat always lands on its feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast on the back of a cat?
104) No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.
105) I've got a perfect body, but it's in the trunk and beginning to smell.
106) 8 out of 10 voices in my head say "Don't Shoot"!
107) Why do you wear a pair of panties and only one bra?
108) If Corn Oil comes from Corn, what does Baby Oil come from?
109) If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do you get Teflon to stick to a pan?
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 7:22 AM
It's Sunny, 37c/100F with a heat index near 120F and humidity of 42%. Winds are out of the west at 15-25 MPH.
AAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
I live in fucking Illinois not the fucking tropics!
Quick, somebody send me a Pina Colada and a cute cabana boy (of legal age), if I'm going to be hot and sweaty, at least I want to have some fun.
Update - on the hottest day of the year so far the power goes out - for over two hours. Nice huh? I escaped over to a friends house until Con-Ed could have it restored. What's next?
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 1:35 PM
90) It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
91) Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
92) Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
93) There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
94) Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
95) Never miss a good chance to shut up.
96) Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
97) Why do you park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?
98) Why do you have a hot-water heater when you don't need to heat hot water?
99) Why is an orange an orange and an apple not a red?
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 7:36 AM
I have come to the conclusion that the suicide bomb is a most cowardly of weapons, and the bomber him/herself the most cowardly form of human being.
I mean seriously, think about it:
I disagree with your politics or your religion or your viewpoint or whatever,
hard solution - discussion, try to see your viewpoint, try to get you to see my viewpoint, try for understanding, try to find some common ground - work at it!
easy solution - find some coward to strap a bomb to, send him out to take as many people out as possible, instill fear to make a point, my way is right and the only way, I will convert you to my way or you will die.
The problem with the easy solution is that it is only an illusion. It strengthens the resolve of those you are trying to convert. Yes, you do cause fear and panic, initially, but that turns to anger and defiance. Courage in the face of adversity.
So you see, you are accomplishing the exact opposite of what you hoped with your bomb. Instead of demoralizing a people, you have brought them closer together. By demonstrating their courage, they have shown you for the cowards you are.
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 8:49 AM
The young-un got back-handed by her now ex-bf last week. I am one seriously pissed off witch. No coward disguised as a man has the right to do that. And even thought I am hurt that the young-un broke the code (she has started dating Bh now) her ex has something coming his way. Tonight is the full moon - and I have something planned for his woman beating ass. There will be magick afoot. When it comes to domestic violence, I don't play!
Bh has plans of his own for the little pissant.
Ponderables
80) Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
81) Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
82) If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
83) Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the fuck alone.
84) It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper that's the time to do it.
85) Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
86) Give a man the fire and you'll keep him warm for one day. Set the man on fire -- and you'll keep him warm for the rest of his life.
87) No one is listening until you make a mistake.
88) Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
89) It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 8:30 AM
Ponderables
56) He/she has a Mind Like a Steel Trap, everything that goes in gets crushed and mangled.
57) Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
58) If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?
59) Light travels faster than sound, that's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
60) He must have gotten into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
61) The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead.
62) Have you considered suing your brains for nonsupport ?
63) Marriages are made in heaven...so is thunder and lightning
64) Don't sweat the petty things or pet sweaty things.
65) A hard-on does NOT count as personal growth
66) Memo:
Effective Immediately:
All employees will be required to take a combination of Gingko and Viagra, so you can remember what the fuck you're doing!!
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 8:46 AM
Ponderables
67) I am the Imp of the Perverse - knowing this won't help you, either
68) Rule #1: You can't cure stupid !
69) If at first you don't succeed try try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
70) I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you
71) If something goes without saying, let it!
72) Any twelve people who can't get themselves out of jury duty are NOT my peers.
73) You're allowed 1 more Piss and 1 more Whine but you're over the limit on Moaning, Grumbling and Complaining.
74) Everyone has a right to be stupid, some just abuse the privilege
75) Welcome To Shit Creek - Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!
76) How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
77) I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
78) 100,000 sperm to choose from, and you were the fastest?
79) How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus ? At the circus the clowns don't talk.
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 7:48 AM
gang gang dance survival of the shittiest - LMAO I don't know why!
cold heartless bipolar wife - This is what I truly want to be - NOT!
girls with periods in pic - You're a sick fuck!
milking wenches - Warning, they are very angry over labor conditions.
bi polar mormons - Where?
what will make your vagina taste good? - Try hygiene. D'uh!
witch dracula ants eat solid food - explain this one to me.
torture"staked out"sun insects - I keep telling you, stake them out naked to fire ant hills.
tubular meat wrap - It's called a condom
menopausal lingerie - mood lingeree.
my "family thinks I am stupid" - don't worry about it.
the mayor is a babbling idiot - I think that's a job requirement
pic/very/sexy/sleep wear - available at the gift shop
rat-terrier genetics bi - top secret, I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.
I love waffles vicky - I love waffles too, or do you mean you love waffles on me? I only wear waffles on special occasions and only with whipped cream.
how to keep squirrels the out of my flowers - this is quite simple, give them Vodka.
vicky sleep - I do not sleep on command, however, when I do sleep it is all snuggly
hot lick me stories - available for a price
interrogation+torture+nipples+tits+captured+spy - I have ways of making you talk
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 4:13 PM
Bingo went well Wednesday night, Bh worked the table with me so I wasn't run ragged. Around 8 p.m. there is a 15 min. break, that is when I set up the machine for the Blackout game. I take out all of the balls and place them in there corresponding slots on the board, then, as Wednesday was the 13th it was odds, so I placed all of the even numbered balls back into the machine.
My friend J was busting my chops as I was doing this, telling me that I was gripping the balls to hard, "gently" she said, laughing. I told her that I didn't need to drop one and have it go flying across the room and to go sit down.
After the break, I started the machine and began pulling and calling the even numbered balls. When the blackout game was over (we had 3 winners who split the $500.00 pot), I took my microphone and went back out on the floor. J was busting my chops saying that she had only needed a 12 to win, why didn't I call 12. I told her that was just what she deserved for criticizing my ball handling technique (plus the fact that it never came up).
Last night was our Lions club business meeting so I had an early night. In bed, or on couch I could say, by 9 p.m. I feel drained today, no energy, stiff, sore, like I've been rode hard and put away wet. It's almost noon and I'm still in my pajamas. J's working at the restaurant this afternoon and I'm supposed to go up for coffee around 3 p.m. J, who I call young-un and I are supposed to go out after she gets off work tonight, I may need a nap.
45) The Early bird may get the Worm but the Second mouse gets the Cheese!
46) Screw up? Of course we'll screw up. Do what you're best at, I always say.
47) Why be difficult ? When with a bit of effort you can be impossible?
48) Yes, I know it's bad for me, but nagging me about it might be bad for you!
49) I can deal with incompetents. I can deal with assholes. I cannot deal with incompetent assholes!
50) A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell.
51) Vegetarian: Indian word for "lousy hunter."
52) What brought you here ? And does it have reverse?
53) If he/she were any more stupid, he'd/she'd have to be watered twice a week.
54) Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an Emergency on my part.
55) Bumper sticker on Noah's Ark: "Scattered showers my ass!"
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 11:35 AM
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down.
Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took the measurement and said, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed, "Ain't that just like a dumb woman! We asked for the height, and she gives us the length!"
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 12:52 PM
Maybe the problem is just on the first floor (shut up, I said my brain was sleep addled), I trip up the stairs to the second floor bath and turn on the tap, trickle, trickle, trickle...fuck!!!!! Ok, you can panic a little.
Did I pay the last water bill? Come on Broomy think, coffee, I need coffee, wake up, wake up! Get the brain in gear! Fortunately the coffee pot had been locked and loaded the night before and freshly brewed coffee awaited me in the kitchen. One cup of coffee and one cigarette later I realize that yes, the water bill did get paid. Ok, so homeland security didn't come in the night to shut off my water for neglecting to pay my bill like a good citizen.
Now, where did I put the phone number to the public works department? I frantically search for the booklet that the village gives you when you move into the area. I finally find it and call public works, a very pleasant woman answers the phone. "Good Morning" I say. "I live on I have no water in my house street, is there a broken main or some a child in a well or some such catastrophic event going on this morning?" I ask. "No maam" she replies, laughing, "they are working on a broken valve in your area." She informs me that the estimated repair time is approximately an hour. I thank her for her time and make a note of the time that I phoned 0927 a.m. I hope that they stick to that time-table.
I must complete my morning routine. I need to get in, shower, shave my girlie bits, brush my teeth, etc...What if the handsome man of my dreams shows up suddenly at my door ready to whisk me away and I'm not ready (shut up, it could happen)?
If he doesn't show today, I still have bingo today and I need to be fresh, especially after last week. Having lost my bingo cherry, I fully expect to be calling again tonight. I am prepared. The ladies actually complimented on my calling. They said I had a good voice on the microphone and spoke clearly. I hope that I don't make any serious mistakes, they can be quite brutal to callers that do. Last week we were short handed and I had to work the raffle table by myself, I think that I have more gray hair as a result. It's not that it's that hard, but trying to keep four different banks straight and selling a raffle that I had never done before and wasn't familiar with was somewhat confusing. I used my usual smart-assed sense of humor to handle it and our regulars were wonderful. I sometimes had a bit of a line at the table but we were all laughing and joking about it. I was nearly babbling by the time bingo actually started though, I was never so glad to put the cards in the office, grab a microphone and walk the floor. And to think, I do this on a volunteer basis and love every minute of it, lol! Do you think that means I have a latent masochistic streak?
Ponderables
34) Honk If You Love Peace and Quiet.
35) Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires.
36) I'm pretty sure that 'bingo' is better than logic but I can't prove it.
37) Arkansas State Motto: Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Laugh.
38) A picture may be worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times more memory!
39) If a thing is worth doing wouldn't it have been done already?
40) If we weren't meant to eat animals why are they made of meat?
41) Ham and Eggs. Just a day's work for a chicken but a lifetime commitment for a pig.
42) If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
43) Remember that experience and guile will beat youth and enthusiasm every time.
44) When someone is acting 'for your own good', you won't like it. Furthermore, they will probably expect you to pay for it and, if they're 'protecting your morals', you'll have to pay double.
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 9:27 AM
I have been soaking a bunch of 1 dram size oil bottles in a strong soap solution since Sunday to help remove the oil residue. Later I will don the rubber gloves, remove what I can of the labels, and into the dishwasher they will go. This should remove any remaining oil, scent and label as well as partially sterilize them. Then it's into the hot water bath on the stove and I'll boil them and finish sterilizing them. They will need to air dry for a couple of days after that before I can start filling them with oil blends.
I will be going through my formulas this week and choosing some samples of scents that I've already created and I am in the process of creating a couple of new ones for a couple of women that I know. Once I have finished, and the bottles are ready, the scents can then be blended, bottled and set aside to age for a couple of weeks. This will give me time to type up the care and information sheets and price lists.
Still no apartment available, however, my friend H, has a room she said she will rent me for $50.00 a week and has plenty of storage room for my furniture if I need it.
Bh and I have been spending a lot of time together and have done a lot of talking. We have been able to work out a lot and are actually friends now.
Three ducks walked into a bar.
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" saidHuey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.
He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 9:04 AM
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh.
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 12:16 PM
23) Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.
24) Gun Control: Use both hands.
25) Remember: First you pillage, then you burn.
26) To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.
27) If Ignorance Is Bliss, you must be Orgasmic.
28) Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
29) If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
30) Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.
31) Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.
32) Half The People In The World Are Below Average.
33) Failure Is Not An Option. It's bundled with your software.
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 7:01 PM
And the idot of the year award goes to...
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 12:15 PM
1
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 12:13 PM
2
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 12:13 PM
3
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 12:12 PM
Ponderables
12) I like pitbulls too. Let's exchange recipes.
13) Time is fun when you're having flies . . . Kermit
14) Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
15) Toilet stolen from Police Station. Cops have nothing to go on.
16) If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody.
17) All power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat though.
18) If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.
19) Here I am!!! What are your other two wishes?
20) Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either.
21) A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22) Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 3:11 AM
I ask that all of you who read this please send your thoughts and prayers (however it is that you pray). I will be lighting a candle today for the victims and survivors.
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 9:57 AM
It's another bingo day today and I'm supposed to call for one of the raffles called Blackout tonight. The way the game works is that on even numbered days, players blackout all the even numbers on their card/sheet. After the intermission, I will start drawing the odd numbers and calling them out. The first one that completely covers one square on their sheet either stands or raises their hand and yells that they've got it. They cannot yell Bingo or it is invalid.
Ponderables
1) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
2) The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.
3) If your voting could really change things, Congress would make it illegal.
4) A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
5) When blondes have more fun do they know it?
6) Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
7) What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
8) Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
9) The statement below is true. The statement above is false.
10) I don't have a license to kill, but I do have a learners permit.
11) He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, dead.
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 10:16 AM
Abdicate--v., to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Carcinoma--n., a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
Esplanade--v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Flabbergasted--adj., appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Negligent--adj., describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph--v., to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle--n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Bustard--n., a very rude Metrobus driver.
Coffee--n., a person who is coughed upon.
Flatulence--n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash--n., a rapidly receding hairline.
Semantics--n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.
Marionettes--n., residents of Washington who have been jerked around by the mayor.
Oyster--n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Frisbatarianism--n., Belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 6:42 AM
1. Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
8. Panda Mating Fails, Veterinarian Takes Over
9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids11. Clinton Wins Budget, More Lies Ahead
12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
13. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
16. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
17. War Dims Hope for Peace
18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
19. Cold Wave Linked to Temperature
20. Enfields Couple Slain, Police suspect Homicide
21. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
22. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery, Hundreds Dead
23. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
24. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
25. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
26. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
27. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
28. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
29. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
30. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 8:01 AM
About Me
It's OK to laugh during sex - just don't point!
Name: Broomhilda
Age: 49
About Me: Living in oncomming traffic and staggering my way through life.
Interests Writing, Watching movies, Listening to music, SHOES, Ren. Faire
Favorite Colors: Red and Purple
Favorite Band: Aerosmith
Favorite Music: Just about everything except rap. I just don't get rap.
Favorite Actors: Alan Rickman and Gary Oldman
Favorite Movies: Citizen X, Bram Stokers Dracula, Like Water for Chocolate, Amelie, Sense and Sensibility, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Whale Rider, Just about anything with Alan Rickman, Gary Oldman or Johnny Depp and many many more
Favorite Books: Anything Edgar Allan Poe, Mythology esp. Celtic, Earth's Children series, Harry Potter series, and too many more to list.
Religon: Wiccan/Pagan
Currently: Going mad.
EMail me at wiccavic2002@yahoo.com
Links
-
Disclaimer
The Clothesline Project - Help break the silence of domestic violence
MY POETRY BLOG
My Wish List
The Music of the Jackmans
Curtiss Lowe & The Reverb Kings (Dem some good blues)
Alternative Religions Education Network
WitchVox
I Am A Witch
God Checker Your Guide To The Gods, Mythology With a Twist
Democratic Underground
Malicious Bitch - For Women Who Just Ain't Gonna Take It No More
The Huffington Post
Gamer's Realm
Blogs I Like
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Rate Me on BlogHop.com!
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