Tuesday, February 08, 2005

I have been thinking, which in itself is a dangerous thing, about why I am the way I am. The old nature vs. nurture theory. Am I who I am because of

1 - genetics
2 - the way I was raised
3 - events that have happened in my life
4 - a combination of 1 & 2
5- a combination of 1, 2 and 3

I believe that it is number 5. So lets look closer at that. Genetically speaking, I shall talk about daddy today. I'll discuss mom another time.
Daddy was an alcoholic, as was his brother and it does tend to run in the family affecting mainly the male members. I don't drink much, usually a glass of wine or a beer or two. I try to stay away from hard liquor as I get started and don't know when to stop. I have a history of problems with this. Daddy was also a pedophile, my earliest memories are of him molesting me and he continued until I was around 13 or 14 years old.

The effect - I grew up equating sex with love, believing them to be one and the same. I also grew up with guilt, shame and a sense that I was worth nothing. By the time I was 9 years old I was already drinking and smoking cigarettes. I started using drugs at 13 and began running away from home. Most of the mid to late 1970's is a drug and alcohol infused haze of promiscuity and hitchhiking around the country just trying to be loved. This destructive behavior continued more or less even through my 20's and a six year stint in the U.S. Army. This time I fucked my way around Germany and France, still trying to be loved. Surviving rape and self loathing along the way. All culminating in the first of two breakdowns, the first occurring in 1987, the second in 1989. The breakdowns were the best things that ever happened to me.
I got into a group therapy for survivors and learned a lot of shit. It kinda helped. The real help came in 1992 when the doctors finally diagnosed me properly as bi-polar and got me on meds that helped. No more drugs and drunken rages for me. Regular therapy for a change.
I now know that what he did to me was NOT my fault so no more guilt, no more shame, no more feelings of worthlessness. I do understand that I will always require a lot of affection and that my "thermostat" will always be set a little on the high side. It can't be helped and I accept that, and whoever is with me will have to accept it as well.

Why didn't I turn into a pedophile like my father? Why is it I would fight tooth and nail to protect a child? I know that may who are abused become abusive themselves. Is it just not in my nature?

How I was raised. I don't know if I can coherently write about this. Memories are fuzzy things. I remember things like "do as I say" Don't you dare get mad young lady" "Get the belt." I remember ass whippings and being grounded. I remember bring in trouble a lot. It seems that every family has a member that is considered not quite "right" or a "bit odd." In my family, that would be me.

There you have a small glimpse into a part of my life. It hasn't all been darkness and I am not a victim. I am a survivor. I am not bitter or angry. I have also had a lot of fun and I have friends and family who love me.
I am at the crossroads and trust that Hecate will guide me in my search for my self and my place in this life.

The Divine Within
I am the air you breath,
the breeze that kisses your face.
I am the fire that warms your heart,
the ember that burns in your soul.
I am the water that gives you life,
the rain that quenches your thirst.
I am the earth that gives of it's bounty,
the land ever changing.
I am the spirit of love and light,
a part of the All.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 8:33 AM

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