Menopausal Bi-Polar Witch Babbling - Get a taste for religion

Menopausal Bi-Polar Witch Babbling

Monday, February 28, 2005

Guess which one is me. I know you know.

From the learn something new every day files - I am a big fan of the tubular meat product, especially those filled with cheese. Normally it is my custom to consume the cheese dog, either hot or cold, using my fingers or a fork. Today, on a wild impulse, I decided to wrap it in bread and add a tomato type condiment. Bad, bad, bad! The condiment in reaction to the cheese, caused a total negative assault on the taste buds during the consumption of said tubular meat product. Resulting in the complete ruination of the experience. Just a little FYI.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 11:42 AM

Unconsious Mutterings

You've got a friend:: Just call out my name...
Immigration:: man
Waitress:: Alice's restaurant
Snickers:: yummy
Recognize:: your potential
Concept:: Reality, what a
Birthday:: bash
Told you so:: na na na na na
Unlikely:: hero
Extension:: cord

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 8:13 AM

Sunday, February 27, 2005

Update - the blockage has been removed! The happy dance has been done, without damage to myself or property. One paragraph was all that was needed and I am content. The words flowed or more appropriately flooded out of me.
Now more proof reading - this could prove my un-doing, with my nit-picking, perfectionist Virgo self, lol. Not today however. I wish to finish reading Eats, Shoots and Leaves by Lynne Truss first, it will help me brush up on my punctuation skills.
After said proof reading is completed to my satisfaction, comes the dreaded Synopsis. Summarization is an art unto itself - one which I have difficulty with. I am determined to tackle the beast.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 12:01 PM

Check out my friend Komputamuso and his brother's band. FRERES JACKMAN AND THE INTERNATIONAL ELEVATORS

Ok, so I went out last night. OMG - Karaoke night, laughed my ass off. It says something when the DJ thanks you for bringing in your own CD's and requesting him to play tracks. I brought in Disturbed and Evanescence, and no I did not sing. It was a very young crowd last night so I mainly sat back and observed. The mating rituals of the young haven't changed much since I was in my twenties. One young man in particular was interesting to watch as he went from one young woman to another, in his attempt at the pick-up. His friends were seated not far from me and he was quite annoyed that there were no prospects. I said nothing, knowing full well wherein the problem lie, his attitude. Seeing himself as an Adonis and a gift to women and lacking any respect for the gender was his undoing. He is young and as his friends were quite different in attitude, perhaps he will learn.
I drank a bit but stayed sober as I was driving. Got in around 2:30 a.m. and woke around 7:30 a.m. with a wicked sinus headache. All better now though, I had better quit stalling and get back to work.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 10:09 AM

Saturday, February 26, 2005

A couple of paragraphs to go and I am finished with the book. I sit and stare at the screen, and stare and stare and stare. I am completely fucking blocked! My mind is a total blank. Nothing, zip, nada! ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Normally I would think maybe a night out would help. Not tonight. I don't think. Nothing but crappy vodka in the house, no Stoli, enough for one drink, that's good enough. Even now as I type this, it is as if something has just sucked all coherent thought from my brain. The ex has offered to go pick up wine coolers, a nice gesture on his part but, I think not.
Perhaps I will go out later, I need interaction with people. Problem is most of them are so young. There is nothing wrong with that, I just need intelligent conversation with people my nearer own age sometimes.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 5:51 PM

My proclamation for today - Anyone wishing to visit this site today must bring me a shrubbery!

I have been blog whoring again!

I found this quiz over at Was it the Pagan Remark?

What is your weird quotient? Click to find out!

I just so proud!

This I found over at Cheeky Prof.

These are the Lyrics that go with the above animation. The more I see it the more it cracks me up.

Everyone else has had more sex than me.
Everyone else has had more sex than me.

Everyone else has had more sex than me.
Does anyone else get that feeling?
Teenagers naked,
Couple in threes
Grandparents swing from the ceiling.

Everyone else has had more sex than me.
Everyone else has had more sex than me.

Corporate chambers and office amore.
Shenanigans outdoor and in.
Resist and then later your find out there's more
Regret in not doing the sin.

Our lives have to die
Of that there's no help
My favourite way to end them
Is the orb-weaver spider's whose pedipalp
Enters the female pudendum.

Then dies on the spot
His corpse there still stuck,
Left for his rivals to curse at.
He would rather die than not get to f^ck
Personally I reckon it's worth it.

Everyone else has had more sex than me.
Does anyone else get that feeling?

Everyone else has had more sex than me.
Does everybody else get that feeling?

...

Does everyone think...

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 7:17 AM

Friday, February 25, 2005

Ok, having just returned from my intake appointment with D., a lovely woman, without an ounce of body fat...

I now have been briefed on what my twice weekly torture sessions will be. She has assured me that she will get me in the best shape of my life or kill me in the process. She does somewhat remind me of a drill instructor I had in basic training, widely acknowledged as the meanest woman on the planet. I imagine that she is retired now, probably running a charm school and dominatrix training facility somewhere.

What twisted mind invented that particular torture device known as the elliptical trainer? This machine is like walking, climbing and cycling all at once. The madness!!!!

On a positive note - I figured out how to post a link to my wish list. So that anyone wishing to buy me a present on my birthday in September...

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 2:47 PM

Now that I am all calmed down from my little rant earlier...
I have to go out to the Veterans Hospital today for my intake at the gym. I should then be all set up to use the facility twice a week.
I have purchased a DVD - Veena & Neena Present Bellydance, Fitness for Beginners. It is supposed to tone, strengthen and shape. We shall see if it works and if I can manage to not cause myself damage while attempting this.
I am in the mood for some soothing music today so I have chosen a CD titled Hand Woven by Lorin Grean for my trip to the VA. It is a lovely and very soothing CD of Celtic Harp with world music accompaniment and voice. No words, just beautiful voice all woven together. I only hope it does not soothe me to sleep in the car.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 11:34 AM

Sometimes you just want to scratch your head and go HUH? I received the following comment on this very old post this morning - Women who fancy bullies are evil. Up with (i have removed the link - i refuse to give him any traffic) Dont give me any immoral indignation crap. By Anonymous, at 6:00 AM
(c Friday, November 05, 2004 d
I've actually been out an about today. I stopped by to visit with my brother this morning before he went to bed (he's a third shifter) and drop off my nephews birthday card. Then it was off to Antioch. I checked out the new Walmart, fuckin huge store. My friend K works there so I got to see her for a bit. I picked up the baby shower gift for her soon to be born grandson. I got a 4 in 1 bath station that is for newborn through 2 years, and a bedtime bath basket with baby friendly bath foam, lotion, shampoo, powder (Lavender and Chamomile scented) and a lullaby CD. Got Hubby a new 1/24 scale Jeff Gordon car, mini-bobblehead and figurine for his collection. Picked up Shrek 2 for us and for me I got The Sims Deluxe Edition and The Sims Makin Magic expansion pack. After that I went and got about an inch trimmed off my hair and stopped by Sacred Earth. I forgot to take my list with me so I ended up browsing and visiting with Adam a bit. Went and picked up a carton of butts at Cigarette Depot - Marlboro $29.99 plus tax, not bad, would have been better if I had remembered my $4.00 off coupon.I still don't know what I am wearing to the Wedding tomorrow, I've narrowed it down to 4 outfits. I think that I will load up my new game and play for awhile.
posted by Broomhilda at 1:59 PM)

One - why? I see no mention of bullying mentioned anywhere in the original post. Just a mundane rundown of my boring day.
Two - Any little pissant with nothing better to do than go through my archives in order to leave a fucking cryptic message should get a fucking life.
Three - Listen up you little butmunchin asshat coward you don't know what evil is. Take your head out of your ass and actually work toward promoting awareness of domestic violence if you want to change things. Instead of coming over and anonymously attacking someone you don't know.
Four - Learn to fucking READ before you post. Had you taken the time to actually read my blog you would find that I do not fancy bullies. I support the clothesline project - dedicated to promote the awareness of domestic violence - bringing it out into the open.
So get off your soap box and don't give me any of your moral indignation crap.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 6:27 AM

Thursday, February 24, 2005

This is a public service announcement - Manic Witch is back! I now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 6:24 PM

My claims to being domestically challenged come not from my inability to cook and clean. I can clean and do a good job. I am actually a very good cook (see my archives for some of my recipes). It is just that I would rather have needles shoved into my eyes and bamboo driven underneath my finger nails than do these things most times.

Now as it so happened, I was in need of sustenance. There being no cold cheese dogs or lunch meat in the refrigerator left to nibble on, I was forced to cook. Taking a can of ravoli from the shelf and digging out a microwave pot of the appropriate size, I prepared. I carefully plugged in the faithful can opener. Then it happened. The afore mentioned appliance was possessed, it had become the evil spawn of some domestically defiant creature. It would not grab the can. It's motor would rev. It's gears would turn. It would not accept the offering! For twenty minutes!!!!
Twenty minutes to open a fucking can with an electric can opener! No, I don't have a manual one. I struggled and cursed, I begged and pleaded to no avail. Finally i slammed the damned thing on the counter, be gone evil spawn I shouted. And it worked.

Never trust and appliance whose first six letters are PROCTO - a combining form meaning "anus," "rectum" !!!

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 3:42 PM

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

I whored this from H. R. M. Queen of the Universe. (having actually shaved the nether regions on prior occasions and toyed with idea of wax, I now will think twice.)

HAIR REMOVAL MADE EASY
All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless removal - the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair, the EpilStop, and now... The Wax.
My night began as any other normal weekday night. I came home from work, fixed dinner for my son and we played for a while. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple hours: maybe I should use that wax in my medicine cabinet. I set up my boy with a video and headed to the site of my demise, um, I mean bathroom.
It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them apart, press it on your leg (or wherever) and ignore the frantically rising crescendo of string instruments in the background. No muss, no fuss. How hard can this be? I mean, I'm not the girly-est of girls but I'm mechanically inclined so maybe I can figure out how this works. You'd think.
So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other, stuck together. I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften the wax (I'm guessing). I go one better: I pull out the hair dryer! And heat the SOB to ten thousand degrees. Cold wax, my ass. (Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me.)
I lay the strip across my thigh. I hold the skin around it and pull. OK, so it wasn't the best feeling in the world, but it wasn't bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire!
With my next wax strip, I move north. After checking on the boy and verifying that he was, in fact, becoming one with Bear and learning all about smells, I sneak into the bathroom for The Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I then apply the wax strip across the right side on my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching up into the inside of the right ass cheek. (Yeah, it was a long strip.)
I inhale deeply. I brace myself.
RRRIIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind! Blind from the pain!... Vision returning. Oh crap. I've managed to pull off half an inch of the strip. Another deep breath. And... RRRIIIPP! Everything is swirly and tie-dyed? Do I hear crashing drums? OK, coming back to normal again. I want to see my trophy - my wax covered pelt that caused me so much agony. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold the wax strip like an Olympic gold medallist. But why is there no hair on it? Why is the wax mostly gone? Where could the wax go, if not on the strip?
Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the toilet. I see hair - the hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I feel. I am touching wax. I look to the ceiling and silently shout "nooooooo!!" And realize I have just begun living my own personal version of "The Tar Baby."
I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that is now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big mistake - up until this point, you'll remember, I've had my foot on the toilet. I know I need to move, to do something. So I put my foot down on the floor. And then I hear the slamming of the cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut. Ass? Sealed shut.
A little voice in my head says, "I hope you don't have to shit anytime soon. Your head just might pop off." I penguin walk around the bathroom trying desperately to figure out what I should do next. Hot water! Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can stand and get in - the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it a way, right? Wrong!
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than is used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment. And I sit. Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a tub. In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax. So now I'm stuck to the tub.
I call my friend, C, because she once dropped out of beauty school so surely she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off skin. It's never good to start a conversation with "So my ass and vagina are stuck to the tub."
She doesn't have a trick. She does her best to suppress laughter. She wants to know exactly where the wax is on the ass. "Are we talking cheek or hole, here?" she asks. She isn't even trying to hide the giggles now. I give her the run-down of the entire night. She tells me to call the number on the side of the box, but to have a good cover story for where the wax actually is. "You know that if we were working the help line at XX Wax Co. and somebody called with their entire crack sealed shut, we'd just put them on hold then record the conversation for everyone we know. You're going to end up on a radio show or the internet if you tell them the truth.
While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scraping the wax off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the girly goodies than covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water and THEN dry shaving the sticky wax off!
In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to other subjects!) I find the little, beautiful saving grace that is the lotion provided with wax to remove the excess. I rub some in and start screaming, "It's working! It's working!" I get hearty congratulations from C and we hang up.
I successfully remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the hair is still there. So I shaved the damned stuff off. Hell, I was numb by that point anyway. And then I put the box of wax back in my medicine cabinet. Never know when a moustache might start to come in.
Tonight, I attempt hair dying.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 8:20 PM

The new blog words are a flowing. It all started because of my friend Komputamuso. He created two new words and christened me with Blogette. I came up with Blogadude.
Then the creation of Blogagump by my friend Mallard.
A new friend Mark Gamon has come up with Blogababe, Blogababette and Blogababbler.
And from Fried Kitten we get Blogageek.
Let the Blog word revolution continue! All hail our founder Komputamuso!

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 5:22 PM

Ain't this some shit? LMAO!

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 11:59 AM

Oh wtf, I just went ahead and did it! The other blog is up and the first few poems are posted. I have the link in place. Broomhildas Other Blog is on. I will eventually (maybe) put in a comments feature. I don't know, as neurotic as I am, it may not be a wise idea. If you do have a comment you may email me or link back home from the other site and post here.
Ohhhhh, is it possible that my geek score went up? I did this all by my self and now I am all a quiver. I need a cigarette.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 11:39 AM

I am toying with the idea of creating a separate blog just for my poetry and linking it to this one. Most of it is pure unadulterated crap! I do however, have one or two that showcase my absolute brilliance!

I would also use this secondary blog to post my novel in the unlikely event the publishing world doesn't recognize my genius.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 10:50 AM

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

I hereby create a new word Blogadude (c)
Blogadude(n):- a male blogger, esp. of the hunky kind.

And I declare Komputamuso the first Blogadude.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 9:36 PM

2nd entry for today. I found this over at The Big Cheese Factory, thanks Kate for making us aware of scratch 'n' sniff panties. Who knew men might prefer something other than woman scented.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 5:34 PM

Me at age 21

I was so young, so innocent. Ok, ok so young. I don't look much different now. My hair's a lot longer, I'm somewhat heavier (I'm working on that), I look older - thanks to genetics - not excessively so, and my teeth are not in as good shape (I'm working on that as well). All in all, I'm still cute.

Coven met for circle last evening, just an informal evening. I do so look forward to circle. I feel so recharged afterward. I really like everyone in our little group, our energies blend very well together.

One of my friends gave me "Blood and Gold" by Anne Rice to read, it is the story of Marius - once proud Roman Senator turned vampire. Should be interesting. I always picture Vincent Perez (major hottie) when I think of Marius because of that horrid movie "Queen of the Damned". I won't go into the long list of what was so wrong with that movie, suffice it to say that the writer(s), producer(s) and director should be staked out naked to fire ant-hills and left in the blistering sun. The only redeeming qualities were the actors and the music.

I am lazing about today. We got another light dusting of the white shit and it's cold out. So it's sweat pants, baggy shirt, sweater, thick socks, slippers and pony tail today. I look ravishing! LOL.

Oh, this is another entry into the What the fuck files!
Now, remind me, who is the Gov. of this State?

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 9:17 AM

Monday, February 21, 2005

Dirty work:: Cleaning the toilet
Shopkeeper:: owner
Goodness:: gracious, great balls of fire
Yearning:: wanting, needing
Show and tell:: you can show me, I won't tell
Trapped:: like a rat
Malcolm:: my dream man - see previous post on dreams
Season:: Spring
Bestseller:: novel
Desk:: set

From the WTF files :

Never agree to have sex when arguing about breaking up

LMAO

In the Quiet Time

In the quiet time I walk,
Stillness envelopes me like a blanket.
Moon glow softly caresses my skin,
Star shine encircles my head like a crown.
Sacred circle of Oaks beckon me forth,
I dance among them like a child come home.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 8:17 AM

Sunday, February 20, 2005

My book is nearly finished. I am proof reading again. I am, however, stuck on the ending. I will work it out eventually or go insane in the process. I believe the former is most likely, with the later occurring in my attempt at the synopsis. I am actually pleased with the story. The poetry is another matter all together. Power was the first poem I have written in I don't know how long. I do hope the muse has returned.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 7:21 PM

From Gullible Info
-In a lifetime, the average person uses 657 miles of toilet paper.
Now that's a lot of ass wipin'! LOL!

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 12:33 PM

My grandmother at age 80 (she is the one on the left)

I was thinking about my grandmother today. Her birthday would have been on Valentines day, she would have been 99. March 15th will be one year since she left us. I remember when I used to get in trouble for being a smart ass, my dad would say 'you're just like your grandmother.' I don't think that is such a bad thing.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 8:49 AM

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Whored from Spell Bound

(The bold statements are those that I've not done)

I've Never Kissed A Member Of The Opposite Sex
I've Never Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex
I've Never Crashed A Friend's Car
I've Never Been To Japan
I've Never Been In A Taxi
I've Never Been In Love
I've Never Had Sex In a Public Place
I've Never Been Dumped
I've Never Done Cocaine
I've Never Shoplifted
I've Never Been Fired
I've Never Been In A Fist Fight
I've Never Had Group Intercourse
I've Never Snuck Out Of My Parent's House
I've Never Been Tied Up
I've Never Regretted Having Sex With Someone
I've Never Been Arrested
I've Never Made Out With A Stranger
I've Never Stolen Something From My Job
I've Never Celebrated New Years In Time Square
I've Never Gone On A Blind Date
I've Never Lied To A Friend
I've Never Had A Crush On A Teacher or Professor
I've Never Celebrated Mardi Gras In New Orleans
I've Never Been To Europe
I've Never Skipped School
I've Never Slept With A Co-Worker
I've Never Cut Myself On Purpose
I've Never Had Sex At The Office
I've Never Been Married
I've Never Been Divorced
I've Never Had Sex With More Than One Person Within The Same Week
I've Never Posed Nude
I've Never Gotten Someone Drunk Just To Have Sex With Them
I've Never Killed Anyone
I've Never Received Scars From My Sex Partner
I've Never Thrown Up In A Bar
I've Never Taken a Hallucinogenic Drug
I've Never Purposely Set A Part Of Myself On Fire
I've Never Eaten Sushi
I've Never Been Snowboarding
I've Never Had Sex At A Friend’s House While They Were Throwing A Party
I've Never Had Sex In A Dressing Room
I've Never Flashed Anyone
I've Never Met Anyone From Online

Oh, my!

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 6:55 PM

I am becoming famous or is that infamous - someone actually googled me - menopausal bi-polar witch babbling. This hapax legomenon has posted my poem Power on his blog, cool.

I decided to go out dancing last night. I had a pretty good time. It has been a long time since I did anything like that. Unfortunately, it was karaoke night, there was one young woman that could actually sing. I do not. I couldn't carry a tune in a bucket and have vowed not to torture others in the attempt. I only sing in the car along with radio. Being that I was sober made it all the more interesting. I can only compare it to watching the auditions of American Idol - the ones that don't make it. It was like watching a train wreck, horrifying - yet one can't look away.

I was looking good. I love these new jeans, I should get at least one more pair. Comments about what a nice ass I have were abundant. I think I shall wear these jeans everywhere. I shall live in them. My ego has been stroked, and I am feeling good. I almost feel bad for the young man whose arm I nearly broke when he slapped my ass. The bouncer ejected him not so gently from the bar, he won't be feeling good today. I arrived home safe and sober at an obscene hour and woke with a sinus headache from too many cigarettes. The sinus tab has kicked in and I am bright eyed and feeling good and almost ready for sustenance.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 9:58 AM

Friday, February 18, 2005

I have been out blog whoring this morning, I am such a blog slut. Thanks to Kim over at Bacon and Eh's for providing this link Boys Private Parts funny and disturbing at the same time. She also provided this link Gullible info here are just a couple of interesting ones from the many.

Operators for Disneyland's "It's a Small World" ride have a higher suicide rate than any other profession. Having actually been to Disney, I can fully understand this. And why do you ask? See below.
Studies have found that "It's a Small World" is the easiest song to get stuck in people's heads.
I believe that this song was written as mind control plot by some evil faction. It is intended to drive us all insane, causing aberrant voter behavior. Those in Florida and California are particularly susceptible.

Other than humans, baboons are the only other animal that masturbate.
This can mean two things -
1 - Proof that evolution is not just a theory
2 - We are actually baboons that have taken on our current form through some form of freak genetic mutation.
Your thoughts?

I have come across some wonderful blogs out there. If you like witty, sarcastic, intelligent people then I encourage you to check these out -

My Boyfriend is a Twat

Kaliyuga Kronicles

Watski's World

Scary Duck

Just plain funny

Big Hominid's Hairy Chasms

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 7:16 AM

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it. I have run face first into my biggest fear - abandonment. I feel abandoned by my family, and I am pissed off!

I have always believed that family should take care of one another and we always have until now. There are just the three of us left, our parents are long gone and our last grandparent left us last year. Well, my buttmuchin asshat family can kiss my ass goodbye for the time being. No more helping them out with anything for a long while.

I am sick to death of the snide remarks and comments. Yes, I am bi-polar. Yes, I do take medication. No, it is not the medication that caused my decision. No, I am not depressed. No, I am not manic. No, it is not the menopause. No, I don't need to go into the hospital. They ask the same thing when I get pissed off about anything. I am not allowed to have feelings because I have a 'mental illness'. It must be the bi-polar. They use it as a weapon against me. I know it sounds a bit paranoid, but it is true.

It stops now. My Doctor is happy with the way the meds work for me (last hospitalization 1995), I'm happy with them. My moods are more level now than they have ever been, suprising given the stress level lately. Ok, rant is over now.

I start going to the gym next week. Warm weather will be upon us soon and I want to look good. The weight loss is progressing, time to tone everything up. The Bristol Renaissance Faire opens up in July, Ohhhhhh, men in kilts!!!!! Vikings!!!!! Knights!!!!! Can you say yummy!!!!!! I still haven't tried on any of my bodices yet, I'll get to it eventually. I have a lot of clothes to try on, I don't know what fits anymore. I have a feeling I will be getting rid of a lot that's now too big.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 12:32 PM

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

This just sucks big harry monkey cock! I am living back at the house. My family, who had been so supportive of me, has now turned their backs on me. I have no where else to go for now. I can no longer stay at my brothers. My Sil doesn't want me there. So I am now looking for a place that I can afford. I don't get paid until the 3rd and I still need to find a car and have bills to pay here. Fuck, Fuck, Fuckity, Fuck, Fuck!
The only bright spot is that the hot guy at the gas station called me. He has the hots for me and me for him. The downside is, he is involved. His relationship is on the rocks, but he is still involved. That makes him off limits. So no hanky panky. Fuck, Fuck, Fuckity, Fuck, Fuck! This has not been my day.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 10:02 PM

I reserve the right to -

Have a life
Get angry without being accused of being hormonal
Not always be strong
Have an opinion
Wake you in the middle of the night when I'm feeling 'frisky' or for any other reason
Cry whenever I want without having to justify it (just hand me a tissue, shut up, and hold me)
Be a woman
Be loved as I am
Own as many pair of shoes as I can afford
Laugh with abandon
Make you protect me during a horror movie
Love without holding back
Like girly things and Nascar
Have a bad day
Be domestically challenged
Be treated with respect and tenderness

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 11:30 AM

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

I should save this for tomorrows post but I wrote this after my little rant earlier and decided to post it today instead. Not my best work, but I mean it.

Power

Accusations consistently spoken
Suffocated by your insecurity
I allowed you too much power

Incessant passive aggression
The ruination of my self esteem
I allowed you too much power

Constant attention demands
Exhausting my body and mind
I allowed you too much power

You are chaos
Causing me to lose myself
I allowed you too much power

From my coma awakened
Erecting bastions of reality
I take back my power

No longer fear choked black and hollow
My resolve strengthened
I take back my power

Beautiful and alive
Sensual and vibrant
I take back my power

Compassionate and intelligent
Sensitive and strong
I take back myself!

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 8:49 PM

Well its off for another fun day at the VA. I have to go to Rehab medicine today to get a referral so that I can use the gym. With all of this weight that I have lost and am still losing I want to firm everything up. I can use the gym at the VA for free, so why not. I have some errands to run after that then I have to pick up the ex so he can drop me off at my brothers. I shall be on foot for the next few days while he has custody of the car. I need to start shopping around for a good used one. I also have to get my ass in gear and get some more stuff packed up. I think I'll start upstairs with my clothes, closet etc... and work my way downstairs from there. I really didn't want to have to move things twice but it is just getting too hard to have to go over and deal with him. So shit is going to have to go into storage for awhile.

Yesterday he, once again, told me that he is convinced that I have been with someone else and that is why I left. I am so sick of hearing it! For 12 fucking years I have had to listen to his insecure bullshit. We were together almost 24 hours a day 7 days a week, I didn't have time for anyone else. Fucking moron! I need to get a car, get my shit out of that house, get the house sold, get my name off the current car and get him the fuck out of my life!!!!

And how was your Valentines day?

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 10:35 AM

Monday, February 14, 2005

You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.

What kind of kiss are you?
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Unconscious Mutterings

Judge:: Me not
Detroit:: Dr.
Hyphen:: ate
Get it right:: the first time
Pulsating:: throbbing
Yoga:: flexibility
Memorable:: moments
Financial advisor:: huh?
Ten million:: to one shot
I:: like to dance naked in the living room wearing a rhinestone tiara

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 9:07 AM

Friday, February 11, 2005

Sex - I thought that might get your attention. It certainly has mine. I have been pre-occupied with sex since before Thanksgiving. Why do you ask? I ask myself the same question. I am quite sure that the fact that I haven't had good sex in about 8 years is but a part of the answer. The rest of the answer alludes me for the moment. I suppose that I should examine this further.

Kissing - this most intimate of expressions. A long, slow, soft, deep, wet (not slobbery) passionate kiss can make fire run through ones veins. Tongues gently probing, tasting, exploring one another; becoming more demanding as the fire builds. I miss kissing!

Scent - The smell of a man. That masculine musky pheromone laden smell unique to each individual, that feeds the fire.

Touch - The feel of strong hands gently caressing naked flesh. The feel of man flesh against my own and in my hands. The textures, the warmth, the exquisite feel of skin on skin.

Pleasure - Communicating and paying attention to your partners responses in the giving and receiving of pleasure. Knowing your own body. Giving yourself over to the moment, receiving the pleasure. Enjoying the pleasure in the giving as well. Loosing yourselves in one another.

Passion - Passion takes many forms. It can be as soft as a whispered kiss or it can burn so white hot that it can be mistaken as anger. It can be anything in between.

The act itself - Two bodies melding, kissing, caressing, touching, the passion, the pleasure, the fire, flesh on flesh. I miss sex!

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 5:30 AM

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Second cup of coffee and I'm not sure if I'm coherent yet but we shall see. What to do today, I have absolutely no idea whatsoever. I should take the two boxes of collectables that I have waiting for me at the house to the consignment shop. I just don't know if I want to go to the house today. The ex needed the car on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday early so I had stayed at the house Sunday through Tuesday nights. I need a break from seeing him. He is grasping at straws, still not wanting to accept the fact that I don't love him and can't continue in this relationship. He and my sister now think that I am just hormonal because of the menopause. I have tried explaining that I have not been happy for years, it does no good. Looking back, I probably should have left several years ago. I kept thinking though, that all relationships go through good and bad times, you hang in there and work through the bad times. It just never got better. He is not a bad man, just too possessive and needy. Too clingy, he has no friends out side of my family and wanted none. One can actually get sick of hearing the words I love you when you know the one saying them has an obsessive need to be reassured you love them back. I am not an easy person to live with, I have a foul temper, my personality can at times be forceful and demanding. I am not a domestic goddess, I require a lot of affection and as I have posted before my sex drive is on the high side. I also need to have some breathing room, I need to have time with my friends and interests outside of a relationship. I believe in fidelity, if one is in a relationship, one does not cheat. That relationship can not be ones entire world either. There was also no passion, I know that over time passion changes, but it is still there. You can have passion without love, but love without passion withers and dies.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 7:16 AM

2 a.m. and I can't sleep. It's times like these that I really miss not having someone to snuggle up to. My Brain is going 240 and all I can think is, I want to be held. All this thinking must have fried a synapse or something. Of course, if I was in my own bed instead of on the couch at my brother's house maybe I would be asleep right now. I will just be glad when we get the house sold and I can get into a little place by myself. Perhaps then I will be able to relax. I just feel so alone.

Yesterday was a pretty good day, not exciting, but good. I managed to work on my book a little. I got some laundry done and the cute guy at the gas station flirted with me. That I must admit, was an ego boost I needed. But as I sit here, that has faded and the shadows of loneliness have crept into it's place. I know that this shall pass eventually, but until it does the tears once again come unbidden.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 1:59 AM

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

I'm still thinking (I know you can smell the wood burning, LOL). I was going to post a comment in response to comments left by Jenny and Michelle on my last post (I emailed them privately), and decided to add my response in this post instead.

Things I learned from my daddy (not previously discussed) - how to shoot a rifle with accuracy (this came in quite handy during my military service, and while playing video games); how to ride a motorcycle (and not just on the back of one); how to build a fort; beer and cold pizza are a food group; how to play poker; how men lie, how men cheat; how men view women only as sperm receptacles, maids, cooks and child care; how to drive a car with standard transmission without stripping the gears; sarcasm; bathroom humor and how one can use duct tape for nearly everything.

Things that I had to learn on my own or re-learn - beer and cold pizza are NOT a food group; not all men lie, cheat or view women as described as above; some men hit (these are to be avoided at all costs - they hit once, leave as quickly as you can and don't look back); sarcasm mixed with humor can get you into trouble if not used properly; not to envy other peoples lives. No one has an easy life. We all have our own garbage and why waste time wanting someone else's trash.

Everything in life happens for a reason - there are lessons to be learned. We just need to pay attention and figure out what it is life is trying to teach us.
Life is messy and it can be dark and unpleasant, but it can also be beautiful and funny. Look for the beauty and the humor when you find yourself in the dark. It might be a good idea to carry a flashlight.

I am still on the learning journey and hope to be for the rest of my life, lest I stagnate. I am working on my fears of abandonment, of being alone and unloved, of starting over and of success and failure. I am a work in progress.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 8:30 AM

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

I have been thinking, which in itself is a dangerous thing, about why I am the way I am. The old nature vs. nurture theory. Am I who I am because of

1 - genetics
2 - the way I was raised
3 - events that have happened in my life
4 - a combination of 1 & 2
5- a combination of 1, 2 and 3

I believe that it is number 5. So lets look closer at that. Genetically speaking, I shall talk about daddy today. I'll discuss mom another time.
Daddy was an alcoholic, as was his brother and it does tend to run in the family affecting mainly the male members. I don't drink much, usually a glass of wine or a beer or two. I try to stay away from hard liquor as I get started and don't know when to stop. I have a history of problems with this. Daddy was also a pedophile, my earliest memories are of him molesting me and he continued until I was around 13 or 14 years old.

The effect - I grew up equating sex with love, believing them to be one and the same. I also grew up with guilt, shame and a sense that I was worth nothing. By the time I was 9 years old I was already drinking and smoking cigarettes. I started using drugs at 13 and began running away from home. Most of the mid to late 1970's is a drug and alcohol infused haze of promiscuity and hitchhiking around the country just trying to be loved. This destructive behavior continued more or less even through my 20's and a six year stint in the U.S. Army. This time I fucked my way around Germany and France, still trying to be loved. Surviving rape and self loathing along the way. All culminating in the first of two breakdowns, the first occurring in 1987, the second in 1989. The breakdowns were the best things that ever happened to me.
I got into a group therapy for survivors and learned a lot of shit. It kinda helped. The real help came in 1992 when the doctors finally diagnosed me properly as bi-polar and got me on meds that helped. No more drugs and drunken rages for me. Regular therapy for a change.
I now know that what he did to me was NOT my fault so no more guilt, no more shame, no more feelings of worthlessness. I do understand that I will always require a lot of affection and that my "thermostat" will always be set a little on the high side. It can't be helped and I accept that, and whoever is with me will have to accept it as well.

Why didn't I turn into a pedophile like my father? Why is it I would fight tooth and nail to protect a child? I know that may who are abused become abusive themselves. Is it just not in my nature?

How I was raised. I don't know if I can coherently write about this. Memories are fuzzy things. I remember things like "do as I say" Don't you dare get mad young lady" "Get the belt." I remember ass whippings and being grounded. I remember bring in trouble a lot. It seems that every family has a member that is considered not quite "right" or a "bit odd." In my family, that would be me.

There you have a small glimpse into a part of my life. It hasn't all been darkness and I am not a victim. I am a survivor. I am not bitter or angry. I have also had a lot of fun and I have friends and family who love me.
I am at the crossroads and trust that Hecate will guide me in my search for my self and my place in this life.

The Divine Within
I am the air you breath,
the breeze that kisses your face.
I am the fire that warms your heart,
the ember that burns in your soul.
I am the water that gives you life,
the rain that quenches your thirst.
I am the earth that gives of it's bounty,
the land ever changing.
I am the spirit of love and light,
a part of the All.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 8:33 AM

Monday, February 07, 2005

I want to talk about dreams today. I have been having some rather interesting ones since just before Thanksgiving. I know that I have blogged a little bit about this before. Now I know that I am not alone in dreaming about celebrities. I tend to dream about two in particular. Alan Rickman and Gary Oldman, I happen to find both men to be quite handsome and sexy. Now I like the dreams I have about them, they are erotic and quite satisfying. I have never met either man, and have no wish to. I am content to leave them in my little fantasy world and worship them from afar.
Lately however, a new man has entered my dreams. He is not a celebrity, I have never seen him before and I am pretty sure that he doesn't even exist. I picture him so clearly though. His name is Malcolm. He is a tall Scotsman with dark curly hair, beautiful dark eyes and is almost too handsome. He is in his late thirties or early forties and very well put together. He is intelligent, witty, charming, articulate, very masculine, kind and considerate. The dream is intensely erotic causing spontaneous orgasms. It almost makes me not want to get out of bed in the morning. I am saving a fortune on batteries not to mention wear and tear on my b.o.b.
I am sure that this has something to do with my obsession with Scotland. I just don't know why I can picture him so clearly, especially when he looks like no one I have ever met or seen before. Must be my subconscious projection of the perfect man for me.
The down side is that because it is a dream, it can't replace the real thing. I miss kissing. I miss being held and the touch of a man, the feel of skin on skin, the warm musky smell of a man, the heat, the passion. But until I am ready for that again, I will be content with my dreams.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 9:56 AM

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Unconsious Mutterings

Shelter:: me
Karate Kid:: wax on, wax off
Andrew:: Prince
Rib:: BBQ
Push it:: in
Creep:: crawl
Chainlink:: fence
Squash:: squish
No mercy:: unforgiving
Superhero:: Spiderman

You're Jessica Rabbit!
Jessica Rabbit

Who 's Your Inner Sexy Cartoon Chick ?
brought to you by Quizilla

I whored this from Spell Bound I am worth $91,222,780.94 for one night of wild lovin'! How much are you worth?
Get my worth

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 7:46 AM

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Three and three meme:
(whored from Earthy)
A. First, recommend to me:
1. A movie
2. A book
3. A musical artist, song or album
B. Then, ask me three questions, no more and no less.
You may ask me anything you want (however, I reserve the right to weasel out of answering if I feel it is necessary).
C. Copy and paste this to your blog.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 9:02 AM

Friday, February 04, 2005

Lets all move to Europe.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 11:28 AM

No more gray hair! I have been going to the same salon and hairdresser for about 10 years. I will not change, I know how my hair will turn out when I see her and I am always pleased. The color is perfect, a nice rich dark brown. She trimmed a half inch off the length and gave me a couple of long layers just to give it some movement and body. I have very long straight hair, that is very fine. It appears to be thicker than it is as I have a great deal of it. The only real complaint I have about my hair is that it tangles if you look at it. I asked her about controlling what I thought was frizz, I found out that I don't have a problem with frizz. I have a lot of new hair growth. There is not much I can or should do about it. Down side - little hairs that tend to stick up on the top of my head. Up side - no need to worry about female baldness. She did tell me that my hair is really healthy, so at least I got some good news yesterday.
I applied for a dental program available here in Illinois for people with disabilities. I hope that I can qualify. If so, I am on my way to new teeth. I am already a cute and sexy bitch. With new teeth, lock up your sons (the ones of legal age of course)!!!! LOL.
My eye appointment took 2 hours! No change in the bi-focals, new computer glasses though. He dilates my eyes every time I go in (I'm boderline diabetic), which makes for an interesting ride home, especially since it was nice and sunny out. He did find a small hemorrhage behind my left eye and made me have my blood pressure checked. 152 over 89 (yikes!) for me that is high. I am usually 110 - 120 over 70. I attribute it to stress and I am not going to worry to much about it as that would, of course, just add more stress. He wants me to come back in in about 6 weeks.
I anxiously await spring, I need warm weather. I need to know that the Bristol Renaissance Faire is soon to start. Ahhhh, so many men in kilts, I am always hoping for an up draft. I hope I have a bodice that fits. I must remember to get sunblock, I don't want the twins to burn.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 6:20 AM

Thursday, February 03, 2005

I stayed the night at my brothers house last night. My 15 year old nephew volunteered his bed for me to sleep in, which was very sweet of him. It was a nice change from the couch that I have been sleeping on at home. My Sil and I sat up until around 11 p.m. talking, which for me is quite late, I am normally in bed around 9 p.m.
They have a rat terrier, he is a sweet and very spoiled little dog, who scared the shit out of me in the middle of the night. There is nothing like rolling over and suddenly having your face licked off by this thing on the pillow next to you. Talk about doggie breath. LOL! At least I didn't yell.
I go to the eye doctor this morning. Then home to pay bills. This afternoon I get my gray colored away and hair trimmed. This weekend I start packing up some of my collectibles to take to the consignment shop. I hope they will sell quickly and for a good price.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 6:36 AM

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

It has been a difficult few days. I spend half the time crying and half the time knowing everything will workout the way it is supposed to. The hardest part is seeing the hurt in his eyes. I have to start weeding out my stuff. I checked with a consignment shop yesterday, they will take my teapot collection and my teacup and saucer collections but not my china. I am only keeping the stuff that is really important to me. Most of that will have to go into storage for now. I don't know what he is planning to keep yet. I can't afford to move out yet, although I may stay at my brothers for awhile if it gets to hard to stay here. I will still have to come over here daily to work on packing things up. L and I will be sharing the car for now. It is in both of our names but he is the one that has made all of the payments and I can't afford a used one yet. The refrigerator died so we need to purchase another one on Friday. We found one for a decent price and will split the cost. All the appliances will stay when we sell the house and hopefully we will get a small profit on the sale.
I am continuing to work on my book, proof reading and such. In hopes that writing will be my future.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 1:17 PM