Good morning boys and girls, I have a very long post today. I will be posting the first draft of the Preface and acknowledgements and chapter 1 of my book. It's working title is "An Introduction to Ecclectic Wicca." Your feed back would be extremely useful, also any questions you feel should be addressed in this book would be helpful as well.
Preface and acknowledgements:
Welcome to Wicca. I imagine that you have some questions – otherwise, you would probably not be reading this. I will do my best to answer your questions and should you decide that Wicca is the right path for you, I will do my best to help light your way. This volume is the basics of the religion known as eclectic Wicca – a 101 course. I will not be teaching magick in this volume.
Strangers to Wicca, Witchcraft and Pagan Spirituality can easily become confused. The odd words and customs have many people believing us to be "cults" or strange "sects." I hope to dispel those beliefs within these pages, ultimately, you will have to decide for yourself. I suppose that I should begin by telling you a bit about myself and how I came to walk this path.
I was born in 1959, to a Catholic mother and a Lutheran father, and I was baptized into the Lutheran faith. My father was not a practicing Lutheran, but my grandmother was and my mother was a practicing Catholic. I do remember going to church with my mother once, I was a "High Mass". I remember thinking how beautiful and mysterious that mass was, the ritual of it all being done in Latin.
My mother died in 1968 and my father moved us around a bit after that. He re-married in 1969 and my new mom decided that us "little heathens needed some Sunday school". So I was sent to Sunday school at the Baptist church down the road. I was to inquisitive for my own good and by the time I was 10, my parents had been asked to not send me back. Yep, kicked out for asking to many questions. I had always felt that there was something more – something they weren’t telling me.
The only place I really felt connected to deity was outside. I loved to go into the woods by the creek, I built forts, hunted frogs and would just sit for hours. I rode mini-bikes and motorcycles up and down the trails in the field next to my home, caught fire-flies in the evenings and picked flowers in the mornings. While sitting by the creek one summer afternoon, the Great Mother paid me a visit.
She was a motherly woman, heavy-set, brown skinned, long black hair in tiny braids hanging down her back. What struck me the most were her eyes…she had the kindest, most loving eye I had and have ever seen. She sat with me, calling me daughter, and telling me of the path I would walk in this life. I have and continue to walk this path, I just didn’t know it had a name.
In 1992 I came across a book that changed everything for me. It was "To Ride a Silver Broomstick" by Silver Ravenwolf. As I read it’s pages I discovered that my beliefs were a religion and that religion had a name, Wicca. This discovery set me on a mission to find out all that I could about Wicca. I spent hours in the library looking for books (not many were to be found at that time). I did however, find a goldmine of books at our local Borders bookstore. I began to buy books as I could afford them. When, at the age of 32, I came out of the broom closet, so to speak, my family took the news all in stride. You know how every family has that one member who seems to be a little "different"? Well in my family, I’m that one. Mom always said that I "marched to the beat of my own drummer".
I am the Wind that rides before the storm,
the breeze that caresses your face.
I am the Fire that stirs deep within your soul,
the ember that lives in sacred space.
I am the River that flows throughout time,
the rain that quenches your thirst.
I am the Earth in which seed is sown,
the dust of lives gone by.
I am the Light known by many names,
the Sacred Mother of all.
What is Wicca?
My mom asked, "What is Wicca?" This was a difficult question to answer. I had only just found out that the beliefs I had held all my life had a name. In this chapter, I will attempt to answer that question along with other frequently asked questions.
Ask one hundred Wiccans that question and you will get one hundred different answers. We are an eclectic group and rarely, if ever agree on anything. In some ways, Wicca is the religion of our ancestors, polytheistic or dualistic and based on the seasonal cycles of nature. It is a pagan religion based in the belief of the duality of deity…Mother God and Father God. Deity is within us and around us. We are all connected, not only to each other, but to the whole of the Earth and the Universe. All life is sacred, and it is in life that we learn the lessons for our souls to move forward toward a state of perfection. Nature is sacred, we depend on nature for food, shelter, rain, etc… If we disrespect and destroy nature, we disrespect and destroy ourselves. The Universe is sacred, that is where we came from, where all life began and that is where life as we know it will end.
What is Eclectic Wicca? Eclectic Wicca is generally thought of as any type of Wicca that is practiced out side of a specific tradition. It is essentially the practice of using outside influences in a combination that feels right to the practitioner. A mixture of traditions.
Is Wicca a cult? No! Cults by definition most often involve aggressive recruiting, censorship, manipulation, alienation from friends and family, strict and inflexible dogma. The generally require that members give all their worldly goods to the cult and aggressively "fundraise". These characteristics diametrically opposed to what Wicca stands for. We do not proselytize, no one will come to your house to "witness", no one will accost you on the street and hand out pamphlets. Wicca encourages individuality, strength and importance of family and ecology. We do not want you to quit your job or give up your life for Wicca. We have no central holy book, no prophets or church hierarchy (exception – see section about Covens). We do not believe that we are the "one true and right way" to worship deity.
What is the difference between being Wiccan and being a Witch? As I have already explained what Wicca is, lets take a look at witchcraft. Witchcraft is the practice of magick without any religious connotations. It is the altering of the mundane world through the application of the will of the witch. Wicca is a religion and those who practice it are called Wiccans. Many Wiccans employ the use of magick as an integral part of their worship, however, not all Wiccans are witches and not all witches are Wiccan.
Who is in charge of Wicca? No one. Many Wiccans practice what is called solitary Wicca, meaning they generally worship alone, answering only to the Gods. Some have family traditions so they may structure their worship according to the family hierarchy. Others belong to Covens, each coven is autonomous, governing itself depending on the tradition they follow. In the end, each individual is in-charge of themselves and responsible only to the Gods.
Do you have scriptures? Does Wicca have rules? No. We have no scriptures, no commandments that tell us what is right and wrong. The closest thing we have to a commandment is the Wiccan Rede – "An it harm none, do what thou will."
What happens in a Wiccan ceremony? It depends on the ceremony. There are many different types of get-togethers that Wiccans of all traditions attend. There are Eight standard craft holidays are recognized during each calendar year. They are called Sabbats, their relationship is usually with the sun deity.
Quarters of the year - Fire festivals:
Yule/Winter Solstice (solar festival)
Spring Equinox/Ostara (first of the spring fertility festivals)
Summer Solstice (solar festival)
Fall Equinox/Mabon (second harvest festival)
Cross Quarters of the year:
Imbolc (first of the spring fertility festivals)
Beltane (last of the spring fertility rituals)
Lughnasadh (first of the harvest festivals and New Year)
Halloween/Samhain (last of the harvest festivals)
There are the Lunar celebrations, generally taking place on the night of the full moon. These are all called Circles. There are also gatherings/festivals or Groves that take place (usually in summer) that all are allowed to attend. We dance, pray, invoke, do rituals either handed down from tradition or original, teach, take classes, buy/sell/barter, and generally emphasize fellowship and harmony.
Do you dance naked? Some do, some don’t. The act of worship in the nude is called being "Skyclad". While some solitaries and Covens do, many others don’t. Those that do generally feel that being skyclad removes all rank, all are equal under the Gods. Some feel that clothing blocks their energy. It is generally reserved for formal rituals rather than everyday life. It is entirely a personal choice, no-one will make you go skyclad at a circle if you don’t want to.
Do you have orgies? No, and if anyone insists that you must participate in an orgy, or have sex with the High Priest/ess – run, do not walk, away from them. These are NOT requirements nor should the be. People who insists/practice this are generally posers – those wanting power.
Do you sacrifice humans/animals? No! All life is sacred!
Is Wicca only for women? No, there are many men in Wicca, and are as welcome as women. There are more women only because Wicca allows for a more feminine-oriented worship, or a more balanced approach to deity.
Do you believe in God? Worship the Devil? First off, the Devil, hell and sin are all Christian concepts that do not apply to Wicca. We believe in God, it is just the form that the gods take which is different. Many Wiccans are dualistic or polytheistic about deity, and the face(s) of God/ess that they worship is strictly a matter of personal choice. Occasionally a tradition will teach specific concepts, mythologies and structures. For most deity is seen as a single Godhead, divided into two, Mother God and Father God. They are a balance, representing birth, life, death and re-birth. We see the symbolism of this in the seasonal changes that we call The Wheel of the Year. This wheel allows us to have a deeper, richer and more meaningful relationship with deity.
How do you know which God to worship? It is a personal choice. Many are drawn to one particular aspect of the divine and will keep that aspect for their patron. Some will find that they need the energy in the feminine aspect of the divine for one ritual and the male aspect for another. They may choose to work with both aspects, or with a pantheon. Some find it easier to work with a Greek, Celtic, Roman, etc…pantheon - others pick and choose the representation (aspect) that feels right regardless of the pantheon. I will cover the aspects of deity later on.
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 11:23 AM
Once again boys and girls, it's time for the the next segment of drunken blogging...
Yep! I'm pretty much blasted at the moment. Wednesday March 21 (Ostara), I will be having a psychic party at the Barn on 52nd st and 22 ave. in Kenosha, Wisconsin. I will be doing readings along with one of my coven sisters. We will also be selling some of my perfume, bath oil, bathe salt and aromatherapy blends.
Wish us luck.
We have another booking on March 28 at the Pit Stop in Zion, IL.
Hubby is out and about at the moment, and I just polished off the bottle of rum and the smokes, I hope he picks up cigarettes while he's out.
In the mean time, the bar and refreshment table is open, enjoy!
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 12:10 AM
Dear Tech Support:
Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness.
Can you help, please!!
This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible.
Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.
In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.
Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.
Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.
TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0.
Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!
Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly.
After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.
A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.
I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!
(Bert Christensen's Truth & Humour Collection)
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 12:46 PM
This is a drunken post. since I am having trouble seeing, Booze and Hors Douvers are in place.
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 3:09 AM
A little thought about VD (not the disease, the day)
I feel like the most special woman in the world!
Keep your diamonds, your firs, your romantic getaways...
Hubby cleaned and mopped the kitchen and the bathroom as a suprise for me. It is the best gift I have gotten in quite sometime.
Bad Analogies and Metaphors
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other
sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a
surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one
having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other
from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the
"Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a
college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as
if she were a garbage truck backing up.
She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in
any pH cleanser.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a generation thermal
paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 10:15 PM
Why I LOVE men in kilts!!!
New addition -
|You Are 50% Normal|
While some of your behavior is quite normal...
Other things you do are downright strange
You've got a little of your freak going on
But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 4:15 PM
Bobbit tracks have been seen in the vacinity.
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 8:17 AM
Two recent hits:
What not to do if you capture James Bond
I can't help but hear the theme from mission impossible every time I see this picture. LOL.
Of course, it also reminds me of a certain, British, sarcastic, witty, MF'r
Abbott and Costello
Meet the 21st Century
ABBOTT: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm
thinking of buying a computer.
COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommended something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
COSTELLO: For my office?
COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.
ABBOTT: Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's
say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What
do I need?
COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of
words. But what program do I load?
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a
straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I
need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?
COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none
of your business. But what do I need to watch it?
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two,
three and four. Can I watch reel four?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a
movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?
ABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left.
It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?
ABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even
part of Office.
COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again.
But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What
do you have to help me track my money?
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra
charge? How much money do I get?
ABBOTT: Just one copy.
COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?
ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of
COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?
ABBOTT: Why not? They own it.
COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but
I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your
ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?
COSTELLO: You sell money?
ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for
COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business.
Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?
ABBOTT: Simply Accounting.
COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
ABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business.
COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?
ABBOTT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home
business. You know--accounting? You do it with money.
ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need
COSTELLO: More money?
ABBOTT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.
COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for
the moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word?
Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my
COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need
something to restore my data. What do you recommend?
COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?
ABBOTT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was
COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay,
I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?
COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.
ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind.
ABBOTT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me?
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 10:27 AM
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 6:50 PM
It's 2:05 a.m. US central time and I can't sleep! What else is new...
I have hived off from my former coven and am founding Dragonhearth Coven, it will be a mix of eclectic and draconian Wicca. I am still outlining the degree courses.
I have finished the first draft of my outline and am researching for my book, as yet untitled. It is an introduction/history of modern Wicca.
I also have a partial outline for a Wicca 101 course, and a partial outline for a Wicca 102 course. This month alone there have been two deaths, one a suicide and the other from cancer (not family but close friends), and a birth in the family.
Now that I look at all this crap, no wonder my brain won't slow down.
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
And when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol, set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a baseball bat up his arse.
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 2:06 AM
I am a GREAT Aunt...
Hildegard became a grandmother at 3:47 a.m. centeral time! It's a boy, 7 lbs. 7.5 ounces, 20 in. long. Mother and baby are doing nicely!
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 11:07 PM
The Top 100 Things I'll do when I become Evil Overlady of the World
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
8. After I kidnap the handsome prince, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum-a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The heroine is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his\her plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own mother.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way-even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcements and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will continue to shave my legs. In the old days harry legs made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him/her. After all, she/he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and fetching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the handsome rebel and he claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray his companions if I just let him in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him/her, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me "My lady, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want- Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh PowerBook's.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the handsome princes' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the handsome prince that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill him.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable super weapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlady" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en-masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope- bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform such as a train, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
89. After I captures the hero's super weapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 4:31 PM