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Menopausal Bi-Polar Witch Babbling

Friday, July 17, 2009

The Apocolypse is upon us!!!!

The signs -

1 - and she ordered the t-shirt online - July 4th, due to arrive in 4-6 arrived today!

2 - she ordered the Garden Guide online - July 5, Back ordered, due to arrive in 6 weeks, received 2 on July 14.

3 - The Biggest and most profound sign of them all......she did laundry and ALL THE SOCKS CAME BACK!!!!!!!!!! That's right, not one missing and two that had been missing reappeared!

What would life be like without rhethorical questions?

Isn't life just one of those things?

Sure there are lots of things in life more important than money. But why do they all end up costing you money too?

When you can't see the bright side of life is it possible to polish the dull side?

Is the biggest ever decision in life to look or to look away? And if you choose to look away are you not still looking?

Sometimes don't you just feel like you're diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

Isn't the hardest thing in life knowing which bridge to cross and which to burn?

Don't you think that life is like a Lamborghini? Afterall it ages too fast and it costs too much doesn't it?

If you want to have your outlook in life enlarged why would you go to a shrink?

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 11:01 PM


Monday, July 06, 2009

Ok, I'm domestically challenged, but this is ridicules...


Open Magickally refilling bar and buffet for your enjoyment.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 5:48 PM


Tuesday, June 23, 2009

What a wonderful thing mid-life is...

Sunday we went to my nephew Thors home for fathers day. He will be a daddy in November. Hildegard, her hubby, Redneck and my other nephew Fester accompanied us. We had a wonderful meal that Thor BBQ'd for us, and a good time was had by all.

The torture began on Monday! For those of you that have yet to experience the joys and wonder that is a colonoscopy, let me fill you in...

24 hours prior to this treat, you must be on a liquid diet. You can have broth and jello, but nothing solid or red in color to either eat or drink. In my case it was chicken broth and orange jello. At 2 p.m. you mix a product called "GoLytely" in a one gallon jug with lukewarm water. You must consume one half gallon between the hours of 2-4 pm.

While this a VERY effective product, it tastes like salty water. This product contains polyethylene glycol, sodium sulfate, sodium bicarbonate, sodium chloride and potassium chloride.

Ok not too bad, however, immediately upon consuming the first mouthful, the gag reflex kicks in. It took me almost an hour to drink the first glassful! While chugging (trust me) on the second glassful, it kicks in. So now, I'm in the bathroom trying to finish off the rest of the first half gallon. Meanwhile, I'm gagging, belching to try and relieve the stomach cramping that the squrits aren't taking care of.

In case you are wondering, yes I managed to finish the first round of liquid by 4 p.m. I suggest that prior to undergoing this procedure, you procure some "Cottonelle Wipes" or some equivalent. One can only take the pain of toilet paper on a raw and delicate area for so long. By 6 p.m., I'm finally able to leave the bathroom for more than 2 minutes at a time.

Now comes round two, repeat the above between the hours of 7-9 p.m. I was finally able to get to sleep at around 2 a.m. Clean as a whistle inside and out.

At 6 a.m. the alarm from hell screams me awake. Auntie K, picks me up at 7 a.m. and we drive through rush-hour traffic to the VA hospital. At approximately 8:15 a.m. we arrive. At 8:45 they take me into out-patient surgery to prep me. There a wonderful nurse starts an IV, and drugs me (YEA!!!!), however, it's not enough to knock me out, just enough to put me into la la land.

Needless to say, I am awake for the entire procedure, watching a scope going through the exit only section of my body on TV. OMG, what they don't tell you, is that they are pumping air into your colon as they run the prob through there. Talk about stomach cramps!!! That was the longest 25min. of my life! 7 polyps were found and removed. I'll have the pathology results in 3-4 weeks. Barring any problems, I get to repeat this again in 5 years. I know that sounds like a long time, but trust me, it's not long enough.

After about 45min. in the recovery room, Auntie drives me home. Drowsy, stoned and sore, I arrive home to a very bitchy Haggar. I had to tell him to shut up, I had one man up my asshole already today, I didn't need another.

So how was your day?

Why is it that sometimes just living is an act of courage?

In life, why are there so many questions?

Is life just something to do when you can't get to sleep?

Can't you claim you have a life if you like what you're doing? Or does everyone else have to like what you're doing too? And what did you have before it was classed as a life?

Why do we need science fiction when life is already so bizarre?

What good is a ticket to the good life if you can't find the entrance?

Isn't life just like a candy bar? By the time you get to the creamy center isn't the outside already melted?

Isn't everybody somebody else's weirdo?

What's it all about?

Did you ever wonder that if everybody became somebody there wouldn't be anybody left to be nobody?

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 10:14 PM


Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I'm baaaaaaaack! Miss me?
Goblins got into my computer and blew it, thanks to Hildegards hubs, I got a temporary one. Yeah!!! I'm saving up to purchase a new one.

Haggar and I celebrated our 4th (can you believe it?) anniversary in May, there was much merriment and debauchery as usual. My ex has let us put in a garden at his place (no where to do so in this dinky apartment), so I have been playing farmer green genes, or is that jeans?

Kenosha is a town/city to get used to. No one here knows how to drive, pedestridans don't look prior to crossing the street or walking behind your car. Bicyclists are deadly. AND, beer costs more here (in Wisconsin, the brewing capitol of the U.S.) than in Illinois.

Some points to ponder...

What if life is a joke and we don't get it?

Why is it that no matter where you are you're here?

Why is origin at the end if it means the beginning?

Why is nothing as easy as it looks?

Why is it that the most important things in life aren't things?

Why is 'if' the middle word in life?

Why do people long for eternal life when they don't even know what to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Why is Living the Good Life and Living a Good Life not the same thing?

Why is it that sometimes just living is an act of courage?

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 3:23 PM


Saturday, March 08, 2008


New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 9:42 PM


Sunday, February 10, 2008

I am ready to move to Belize! Wednesday we got 14 plus inches of snow, ok, that is to be expected in this part of the country. Last night, we got about another inch. The weather channel is calling for more snow on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. To top it off, I had to run to the gas station this morning, so of course I bundled up. The ambient temp is -4 with a wind chill of -27. Howard did not want to start, and I nearly froze cleaning the snow off.
I have to buy some more mouse traps, I know that there is one who likes to get under the stove, one in the bedroom and now it appears that there is one hiding somewhere under my desk!!!! I swear they are spies for the arachnids.
On a positive note, Haggar took me out Friday night and I won a clock. It's really cute with frogs on it and a swinging dragon fly, Hildegard will be so jealous...she collects frogs.

A Winter Statistic

98% of Americans say
'Oh Shit!' before going
in the ditch on a
slippery road.

The other 2% are
from rural Wisconsin and they say,
'Hold my beer and watch this.'

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 11:47 AM


Sunday, December 30, 2007

Well I'm finally coming out of my annual holiday depression (gotta love Prozac). Haggar's jaw is mending nicely, he went to a Chicago Bears game last weekend with a buddy of his, they froze their bits and pieces off and enjoyed watching the Bears beat the Green bay Packers. He's in watching football now, ahhh quiet (mostly).
As I sit here eating cookies and drinking my green tea with spearmint, I think "I've got to stop eating these fucking cookies!" I'm getting fatter by the minute.
As of January first, there will be no smoking in public places in Illinois (and not within 15 feet from the entrance), here in Wisconsin they are just going to raise the price of cigarettes by $1.00 a pack. Yep soon, only the rich will be able to afford to give themselves cancer - just as well, they are the only ones that can afford treatment these days.
When last I wrote, I was getting ready for a craft fair, that went OK, not many people showed up, but I did make enough money to pay for my spot, buy lunch and pay for gas. Not a total loss. I did readings at a Halloween party and that went fairly well and I still do readings at a pub in Illinois on the second Wednesday of the month. I'm starting to get some regular clients and new ones through word of mouth.
My apartment looks as if chaos its self has moved some point today I'm going to attempt to tackle the laundry mountain. I need to get over to the Sally (Salvation Army) and see if I can find a smaller desk, a file cabinet and another bookcase. Haggar is going insane from all the clutter and I need more room for books and my oils.
My sister gave me a gallon of unscented massage oil, and a box full of stuff that she got at work. So I'll be mixing up some scented massage oils as soon as she gets me more bottles. One of her co-workers wants me to do a house blessing for her, this has given me an idea to make up a house blessing kit. If that sells, I may start making simple spell kits.

We have mice!!!!!!!! You all know of my aversion to spiders, well I have discovered that I don't like mice either. I can't be sure, but they may be winter spies for the arachnid militia.

I hope you are all well and that your holidays are/were joyful.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 1:44 PM


Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Busting my butt getting ready for the craft show on Saturday, making bath salts and perfume oils, getting the jewelry ready. Thanks to my Auntie K for this one; (Sorry about the caps)









Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 9:52 AM


Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Friday nights party went well, there was feasting, drinking, all sorts of merrymaking and debauchery...a good time was had by all.

At around 5 am Saturday morning, we were rousted from a sound sleep by the sound of the door bell having what can only be described as having a fit. It was the fire department. We were evacuated from our warm and cozy apartment in our pj's because the bar next door was ablaze. We couldn't get back in until around noon, as they were not sure they could contain the fire. The bar is totaled! We have a little soot around the windows and the blinds have looked better, but no smoke or water damage anywhere else. The important thing is that no-one got hurt. Still don't know what started the fire.

Sunday I slept in, had cold pizza and beer for breakfast, vegetated on the couch all day watching old movies. It was the perfect birthday.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 9:17 AM


Friday, September 14, 2007

Well Folks, It is officially the start of my Birthday Weekend, My party is tonight, and my actual birthday is Sunday.

Magickally refilling bar and munchie table now open all weekend.

My newest poem...

In The…

In the darkness of self doubt,
I accuse.

In the darkness of obsession,
I accuse.

In the darkness of insecurity,
I accuse.

Lost in the darkness consuming my soul,
I accuse.

Lost in the Light you emanate,
I awaken.

Lost in the Light that is you,
I awaken.

Lost in the Light of Love,
I awaken!

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 10:34 AM


Monday, September 10, 2007

Q: Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?

A: There are no dental records and all the DNA's the same!

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to
Take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he
intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma
Moses of Jail."
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I
brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The
other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the
I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

Redneck Vasectomy
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as
they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin
didn't want to have anymore children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly
alternative, said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb,
(fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then
hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in
The shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to
My ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He
held the can up to his ear and began to count...


At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
resumed counting on his other hand.

Red Neck Vacation

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells
Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this
year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took
your advice about where to go.



Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's
Billy Bob says, "THIS YEAR SHE'S GOIN' WITH ME!!"

Redneck Pickup Lines

1) Did you fart, cause you blew me away.
2) Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.
3) My Love for you is like diarrhea .. I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.
6) If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.
7) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a
light switch away.
8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
9) I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went
into this cheap motel room.
11) Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until
the afternoon.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 9:29 AM


Monday, August 20, 2007

I will be 48 years old next month!

I will also be Croning ( as I have officially been post-menopausal for two years now).

I wander around the internet, looking for ideas to enhance my ceremony, and find that I'm beginning to reflect on my-life. My LIFE! As I look back, I find things that I'm not proud of, however, I also notice that I have no regrets. I'm putting away the past and while looking to the future, I make a comittment to live more in the here and now. This blog will become my journal. Maybe it already is...

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 1:09 AM


Sunday, August 05, 2007

I wouldn't recommend these guys!
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Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 7:40 AM


Redneck camper
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Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 7:39 AM


Does the word DUH mean anything to you?Posted by Picasa

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 7:39 AM


Sunday, July 29, 2007

I do apologize for not updating as I should.

The bubblehead has me on a new mood "stabilizer," I hope it begins working soon. I have been having some mild manic episodes lately. Although I have been getting somethings accomplished during these episodes, I can't concentrate on any one thing long enough to finish. Needless to say, I have several half finished projects around the house.

Research on the books is going pretty good, I am working on the draft of the second chapter of 'Introduction to Ecclectic Draconian Wicca' (working title), and I have the outline started on 'Ecclectic Draconian Wicca 102', 'An Encyclopedia of Gods and Goddesses,' and An Encyclopedia of Creation Myths. These are all working titles of course.

One of my Coven sisters and I have been performing a 'Psychic Night' at a couple of local taverns. I Scry and she reads Tarot, we read free for pub employees and charge $10.00 for a ten minute reading for others. Before some of you say it - I find no conflict in charging for readings and Wicca - we keep half of everything we earn and the rest goes into our coven building fund. During these nights we also sell hand made jewelry, essential oil perfumes, bath salts and massage oils (I have made so much jewelry that I could almost stock a store, lol).

We are thinking of other ways to raise funds. It is our wish to have a Covenstead with a store. One in which we can sell ritual and spell supplies, apperal and products - also have room for circle, and classroom space for teaching and readings. Anyone with fundraising ideas, speak up.
Before you say it, if all money spells worked when and how we wanted them to, all witches would be rich.

I hope to borrow my sisters digital camera so that I can creat a catalog of our products.

We have a new dedicant, my ex, and we may have another soon, we are growing. We already have a hive in Virginia Beach, one of our founding members (and a really good tarot reader) is a Navy wife and they just moved there. She already has a dedicant, a good start.

Married life is, well, married life... Haggar and I are both still living, so I would have to say that it has been a pretty good 14 months. We still want to move to Belize, but I think that it will be awhile yet. I do wish that men came with instructions, though I suspect that if they did, it would read like sterio instructions.

I will leave you with this thought ( thanks to my friend Kimmy)

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret.

After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.

He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.

He Said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.

How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see Your mother kiss you on the cheek."

until next time....heeheeheeheehee!

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 5:43 AM


Saturday, July 21, 2007

An archeological team, digging in Washington DC , has uncovered 10,000 year old bones and fossil remains Of what is believed to be the first Politician.
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Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 8:37 PM


Monday, July 09, 2007

A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were all sitting around one day talking about how much their lives sucked.

The cucumber said:

'Man, my life sucks. Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad'.

So the pickle looks at him and says:

'You think you have it bad? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me, and sticks me in a jar'.

The penis glared at them both and said:

'You guys think you have it rough? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, they put a rubber tarp over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out'."


Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a
question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a
Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a
grand-motherly elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and
asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known
you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never
will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I
know you.'

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense
attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley
since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a
drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone
and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to
mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them
was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very
quiet voice, said,
If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to
the electric chair.'

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 9:52 PM


Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Thanks to Kevin for this one"
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the firstman prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed,"God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river."
Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge. Why Do Men Pee Standing Up? God was just about done creating man, but he had two things left over in his bag . He couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve. He thought He might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things he had left was a thing-a-mabob that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it." Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up. Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place... first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away laughing with delight all the while. God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well,I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left. "What's it called?" asked Eve. "Brains," said God

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 9:09 AM


Sunday, May 20, 2007

ok this one is really funny!!!!

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there

was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds as prisoners in his room. "He's just

lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad, can you help?" I put my best lizard-

healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was

indeed lying on his back, looking stressed, I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," Icalled,

"come look at the lizard!" "Oh, my gosh!" my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having

babies." "What?" my son demanded, "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally

outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I

accused my wife. "Well , what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I

actually think she said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys,"

I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah,

Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she

I informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think!?). By now the rest of the family had

gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is

going to be a wondrous experience, I announced: "We're about to witness the miracle of birth.

" "Oh. gross!" they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter

of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think sh e was being snotty

here, too. Don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a

tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making

much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my

son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it

next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same

results. "Should I caI1 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us

through the trauma. " (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) "Let's get Ernie

to the vet, " I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.

(Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this

boy is of her womb, for God's sake.) The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered

at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I

suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I

speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie

going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in

labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male.

And occasionally, as they come intomaturity, like most male species, they pleasure

themselves. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you

know what I'm saying Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just. just.

excited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.

Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I

demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming

affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's

just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow

in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thank ed the Vet and hurriedly bundled

the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know

Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea, " Closed

mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2- Lizards -$140
1 -Cage -$50
Trip to the Vet -$30
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie... Priceless!

Moral of the story: Finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!!

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 5:21 PM


Friday, May 18, 2007

Haggar got me the most beautiful gold and diamond ring for our first anniversary on May 7 th. He is such a sweetie sometimes.

On Saturday, May 19, Waterseer (one of my coven sisters) and I will be having a Psychic Saturday at the Barn. It is a bar next to where I live. I scry and she does tarot, so we will be offering readings for $10.00. We will also be selling jewelry, essential oil perfumes, bath salts and massage oils that I have made. Hopefully it will be a good night for us. We are trying to raise money for a Covenstead and store.

The book research is continuing, thank you to those of you who read the draft of my first chapter (posted on Monday April 16) and gave me your input. It has helped guide me in a good direction. Please do not hesitate to email me any questions about Eclectic Wicca that you have, I will do my best to answer them, and those asks will be also answered in the book.

As I mentioned before, I am researching and writing four books at the moment;

1) Introduction to Eclectic Wicca - A 101 Course: this will concentrate on the religious aspects of Eclectic Wicca and a brief history of modern Wicca.

2) Eclectic Wicca 102: This will concentrate on the ritual and magickal aspects of the craft.

3) An Encyclopedia of Goddesses and Gods from Paleolithic times to Present.

4) A history of Creation Myths Around the World - from Paleolithic to Today.

If you have anything you think would add to these topics, please don't hesitate to email me at

I do hope you enjoy the following:

The End of the Raven
by Edgar Allen Poe's Cat

On a night quite unenchanting,
when the rain was downward slanting,
I awakened to the ranting
of the man I catch mice for.
Tipsy and a bit unshaven,
in a tone I found quite craven,
Poe was talking to a Raven perched
above the chamber door.
"Raven's very tasty," thought I,
as I tiptoed o'er the floor,
"There is nothing I like more".
Soft upon the rug I treaded,
calm and careful as I headed
Towards his roost atop that dreaded
bust of Pallas I deplore.
While the bard and birdie chattered,
I made sure that nothing clattered,
Creaked, or snapped, or fell, or shattered,
as I crossed the corridor;
For his house is crammed with trinkets,
curios and weird decor -
Bric-a-brac and junk galore.
Still the Raven never fluttered,
standing stock-still as he uttered,
In a voice that shrieked and sputtered,
his two cents' worth - "Nevermore."
While this dirge the birdbrain kept up,
oh, so silently I crept up,
Then I crouched and quickly leapt up,
pouncing on the feathered bore.
Soon he was a heap of plumage,
and a little blood and gore-
Only this and not much more.
"Oooo!" my pickled poet cried out,
"Pussycat, it's time I dried out!
Never sat I in my hideout
talking to a bird before.
How I've wallowed in self-pity,
while my gallant, valiant kitty
Put and end to that damned ditty" -
then I heard him start to snore.
Back atop the door I clambered,
eyed that statue I abhor,
Jumped - and smashed it on the floor.
- "The End of the Raven" by Edgar Allen Poe's Cat
(from Henry Beard's, _POETRY_FOR_CATS_, copyright 1994)

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 3:02 AM


Friday, May 11, 2007

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64. This actually happened in Austin at MoPac Blvd and Parmer Lane
...............They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free" She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.
...............They Walk Among Us and Many Work in Food Service.

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"
...............They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff."
...............They Walk Among Us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
...............They Walk Among Us!

My friend has a lifesaving tool in his car designed to cut through a seat belt if he gets trapped. He keeps it in the trunk.
...............They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
...............They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
...............They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
..............Yep, They Walk Among Us!

They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce, and WORST OF ALL...................................

they VOTE!

I thank my Auntie K for sending me this one!

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 9:22 AM


Thursday, May 10, 2007

Comments made in the year 1955:

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas "

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."
"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."

"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

That's only 51 years ago!

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 7:22 PM


Wednesday, April 18, 2007

I must thank my lovely sister Hildegard for this one:

(because they are plugged into a genius)

(they don't have enough time)

(they don't stop to ask directions)

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

(because they don't have penises to put them in)

(they're intended for children, but men usually play with them)

(because their balls fall over their asses and they vapor lock) (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)

(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

(so he can tell if he's coming or going)

(don't never happened)

(because breasts don't have eyes)

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Johnny, looking worried and said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

Enjoy the little things in life, for one day, you'll realize they were the big things.

Please take the time to read the previous post, I could really use some feedback.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 7:39 AM


Monday, April 16, 2007

Good morning boys and girls, I have a very long post today. I will be posting the first draft of the Preface and acknowledgements and chapter 1 of my book. It's working title is "An Introduction to Ecclectic Wicca." Your feed back would be extremely useful, also any questions you feel should be addressed in this book would be helpful as well.

Preface and acknowledgements:
Welcome to Wicca. I imagine that you have some questions – otherwise, you would probably not be reading this. I will do my best to answer your questions and should you decide that Wicca is the right path for you, I will do my best to help light your way. This volume is the basics of the religion known as eclectic Wicca – a 101 course. I will not be teaching magick in this volume.
Strangers to Wicca, Witchcraft and Pagan Spirituality can easily become confused. The odd words and customs have many people believing us to be "cults" or strange "sects." I hope to dispel those beliefs within these pages, ultimately, you will have to decide for yourself. I suppose that I should begin by telling you a bit about myself and how I came to walk this path.
I was born in 1959, to a Catholic mother and a Lutheran father, and I was baptized into the Lutheran faith. My father was not a practicing Lutheran, but my grandmother was and my mother was a practicing Catholic. I do remember going to church with my mother once, I was a "High Mass". I remember thinking how beautiful and mysterious that mass was, the ritual of it all being done in Latin.
My mother died in 1968 and my father moved us around a bit after that. He re-married in 1969 and my new mom decided that us "little heathens needed some Sunday school". So I was sent to Sunday school at the Baptist church down the road. I was to inquisitive for my own good and by the time I was 10, my parents had been asked to not send me back. Yep, kicked out for asking to many questions. I had always felt that there was something more – something they weren’t telling me.
The only place I really felt connected to deity was outside. I loved to go into the woods by the creek, I built forts, hunted frogs and would just sit for hours. I rode mini-bikes and motorcycles up and down the trails in the field next to my home, caught fire-flies in the evenings and picked flowers in the mornings. While sitting by the creek one summer afternoon, the Great Mother paid me a visit.
She was a motherly woman, heavy-set, brown skinned, long black hair in tiny braids hanging down her back. What struck me the most were her eyes…she had the kindest, most loving eye I had and have ever seen. She sat with me, calling me daughter, and telling me of the path I would walk in this life. I have and continue to walk this path, I just didn’t know it had a name.
In 1992 I came across a book that changed everything for me. It was "To Ride a Silver Broomstick" by Silver Ravenwolf. As I read it’s pages I discovered that my beliefs were a religion and that religion had a name, Wicca. This discovery set me on a mission to find out all that I could about Wicca. I spent hours in the library looking for books (not many were to be found at that time). I did however, find a goldmine of books at our local Borders bookstore. I began to buy books as I could afford them. When, at the age of 32, I came out of the broom closet, so to speak, my family took the news all in stride. You know how every family has that one member who seems to be a little "different"? Well in my family, I’m that one. Mom always said that I "marched to the beat of my own drummer".

Sacred Mother
I am the Wind that rides before the storm,
the breeze that caresses your face.
I am the Fire that stirs deep within your soul,
the ember that lives in sacred space.
I am the River that flows throughout time,
the rain that quenches your thirst.
I am the Earth in which seed is sown,
the dust of lives gone by.
I am the Light known by many names,
the Sacred Mother of all.

Chapter 1
What is Wicca?
My mom asked, "What is Wicca?" This was a difficult question to answer. I had only just found out that the beliefs I had held all my life had a name. In this chapter, I will attempt to answer that question along with other frequently asked questions.
Ask one hundred Wiccans that question and you will get one hundred different answers. We are an eclectic group and rarely, if ever agree on anything. In some ways, Wicca is the religion of our ancestors, polytheistic or dualistic and based on the seasonal cycles of nature. It is a pagan religion based in the belief of the duality of deity…Mother God and Father God. Deity is within us and around us. We are all connected, not only to each other, but to the whole of the Earth and the Universe. All life is sacred, and it is in life that we learn the lessons for our souls to move forward toward a state of perfection. Nature is sacred, we depend on nature for food, shelter, rain, etc… If we disrespect and destroy nature, we disrespect and destroy ourselves. The Universe is sacred, that is where we came from, where all life began and that is where life as we know it will end.
What is Eclectic Wicca? Eclectic Wicca is generally thought of as any type of Wicca that is practiced out side of a specific tradition. It is essentially the practice of using outside influences in a combination that feels right to the practitioner. A mixture of traditions.
Is Wicca a cult? No! Cults by definition most often involve aggressive recruiting, censorship, manipulation, alienation from friends and family, strict and inflexible dogma. The generally require that members give all their worldly goods to the cult and aggressively "fundraise". These characteristics diametrically opposed to what Wicca stands for. We do not proselytize, no one will come to your house to "witness", no one will accost you on the street and hand out pamphlets. Wicca encourages individuality, strength and importance of family and ecology. We do not want you to quit your job or give up your life for Wicca. We have no central holy book, no prophets or church hierarchy (exception – see section about Covens). We do not believe that we are the "one true and right way" to worship deity.
What is the difference between being Wiccan and being a Witch? As I have already explained what Wicca is, lets take a look at witchcraft. Witchcraft is the practice of magick without any religious connotations. It is the altering of the mundane world through the application of the will of the witch. Wicca is a religion and those who practice it are called Wiccans. Many Wiccans employ the use of magick as an integral part of their worship, however, not all Wiccans are witches and not all witches are Wiccan.
Who is in charge of Wicca? No one. Many Wiccans practice what is called solitary Wicca, meaning they generally worship alone, answering only to the Gods. Some have family traditions so they may structure their worship according to the family hierarchy. Others belong to Covens, each coven is autonomous, governing itself depending on the tradition they follow. In the end, each individual is in-charge of themselves and responsible only to the Gods.
Do you have scriptures? Does Wicca have rules? No. We have no scriptures, no commandments that tell us what is right and wrong. The closest thing we have to a commandment is the Wiccan Rede – "An it harm none, do what thou will."
What happens in a Wiccan ceremony? It depends on the ceremony. There are many different types of get-togethers that Wiccans of all traditions attend. There are Eight standard craft holidays are recognized during each calendar year. They are called Sabbats, their relationship is usually with the sun deity.
Quarters of the year - Fire festivals:
Yule/Winter Solstice (solar festival)
Spring Equinox/Ostara (first of the spring fertility festivals)
Summer Solstice (solar festival)
Fall Equinox/Mabon (second harvest festival)

Cross Quarters of the year:
Imbolc (first of the spring fertility festivals)
Beltane (last of the spring fertility rituals)
Lughnasadh (first of the harvest festivals and New Year)
Halloween/Samhain (last of the harvest festivals)
There are the Lunar celebrations, generally taking place on the night of the full moon. These are all called Circles. There are also gatherings/festivals or Groves that take place (usually in summer) that all are allowed to attend. We dance, pray, invoke, do rituals either handed down from tradition or original, teach, take classes, buy/sell/barter, and generally emphasize fellowship and harmony.

Do you dance naked? Some do, some don’t. The act of worship in the nude is called being "Skyclad". While some solitaries and Covens do, many others don’t. Those that do generally feel that being skyclad removes all rank, all are equal under the Gods. Some feel that clothing blocks their energy. It is generally reserved for formal rituals rather than everyday life. It is entirely a personal choice, no-one will make you go skyclad at a circle if you don’t want to.
Do you have orgies? No, and if anyone insists that you must participate in an orgy, or have sex with the High Priest/ess – run, do not walk, away from them. These are NOT requirements nor should the be. People who insists/practice this are generally posers – those wanting power.
Do you sacrifice humans/animals? No! All life is sacred!
Is Wicca only for women? No, there are many men in Wicca, and are as welcome as women. There are more women only because Wicca allows for a more feminine-oriented worship, or a more balanced approach to deity.
Do you believe in God? Worship the Devil? First off, the Devil, hell and sin are all Christian concepts that do not apply to Wicca. We believe in God, it is just the form that the gods take which is different. Many Wiccans are dualistic or polytheistic about deity, and the face(s) of God/ess that they worship is strictly a matter of personal choice. Occasionally a tradition will teach specific concepts, mythologies and structures. For most deity is seen as a single Godhead, divided into two, Mother God and Father God. They are a balance, representing birth, life, death and re-birth. We see the symbolism of this in the seasonal changes that we call The Wheel of the Year. This wheel allows us to have a deeper, richer and more meaningful relationship with deity.

How do you know which God to worship? It is a personal choice. Many are drawn to one particular aspect of the divine and will keep that aspect for their patron. Some will find that they need the energy in the feminine aspect of the divine for one ritual and the male aspect for another. They may choose to work with both aspects, or with a pantheon. Some find it easier to work with a Greek, Celtic, Roman, etc…pantheon - others pick and choose the representation (aspect) that feels right regardless of the pantheon. I will cover the aspects of deity later on.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 11:23 AM


Friday, March 16, 2007

Once again boys and girls, it's time for the the next segment of drunken blogging...

Yep! I'm pretty much blasted at the moment. Wednesday March 21 (Ostara), I will be having a psychic party at the Barn on 52nd st and 22 ave. in Kenosha, Wisconsin. I will be doing readings along with one of my coven sisters. We will also be selling some of my perfume, bath oil, bathe salt and aromatherapy blends.
Wish us luck.
We have another booking on March 28 at the Pit Stop in Zion, IL.
Hubby is out and about at the moment, and I just polished off the bottle of rum and the smokes, I hope he picks up cigarettes while he's out.

In the mean time, the bar and refreshment table is open, enjoy!

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 12:10 AM


Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Upgrading BoyFriend

Dear Tech Support:

Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness.

Can you help, please!!



Dear XXX:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible.

Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.

Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0.

Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly.

After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Tech Support

(Bert Christensen's Truth & Humour Collection)

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 12:46 PM


Thursday, March 01, 2007

This is a drunken post. since I am having trouble seeing, Booze and Hors Douvers are in place.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 3:09 AM


Thursday, February 15, 2007

A little thought about VD (not the disease, the day)

I feel like the most special woman in the world!

Keep your diamonds, your firs, your romantic getaways...
Hubby cleaned and mopped the kitchen and the bathroom as a suprise for me. It is the best gift I have gotten in quite sometime.

Bad Analogies and Metaphors

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other
sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a
surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one
having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other
from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the
East River.

"Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a
college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as
if she were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in
any pH cleanser.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a generation thermal
paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 10:15 PM


Sunday, February 11, 2007

Why I LOVE men in kilts!!! Posted by Picasa

New addition -

You Are 50% Normal

While some of your behavior is quite normal...
Other things you do are downright strange
You've got a little of your freak going on
But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 4:15 PM


Saturday, February 03, 2007

Bobbit tracks have been seen in the vacinity. Posted by Picasa

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 8:17 AM


Sunday, January 28, 2007

Two recent hits:

What not to do if you capture James Bond
predatory Women


I can't help but hear the theme from mission impossible every time I see this picture. LOL.
Of course, it also reminds me of a certain, British, sarcastic, witty, MF'r Posted by Picasa

Abbott and Costello
Meet the 21st Century
ABBOTT: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm
thinking of buying a computer.
COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommended something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
COSTELLO: For my office?
COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.
ABBOTT: Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's
say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What
do I need?
COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of
words. But what program do I load?
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a
straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I
need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none
of your business. But what do I need to watch it?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two,
three and four. Can I watch reel four?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a
movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?
ABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left.
It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?
ABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even
part of Office.
COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again.
But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What
do you have to help me track my money?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra
charge? How much money do I get?
ABBOTT: Just one copy.
COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?
ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of
COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?
ABBOTT: Why not? They own it.
COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but
I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your
ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: You sell money?
ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for
COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business.
Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?
ABBOTT: Simply Accounting.
COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
ABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business.
COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?
ABBOTT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home
business. You know--accounting? You do it with money.
ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need
COSTELLO: More money?
ABBOTT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.
COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for
the moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word?
Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my
COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need
something to restore my data. What do you recommend?
COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?
ABBOTT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was
COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay,
I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?
COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.
ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind.
ABBOTT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me?
Oh, well.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 10:27 AM


Friday, January 26, 2007

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Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 6:50 PM


Tuesday, January 23, 2007

It's 2:05 a.m. US central time and I can't sleep! What else is new...
I have hived off from my former coven and am founding Dragonhearth Coven, it will be a mix of eclectic and draconian Wicca. I am still outlining the degree courses.
I have finished the first draft of my outline and am researching for my book, as yet untitled. It is an introduction/history of modern Wicca.
I also have a partial outline for a Wicca 101 course, and a partial outline for a Wicca 102 course. This month alone there have been two deaths, one a suicide and the other from cancer (not family but close friends), and a birth in the family.
Now that I look at all this crap, no wonder my brain won't slow down.

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
And when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol, set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a baseball bat up his arse.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 2:06 AM


Friday, January 19, 2007

I am a GREAT Aunt...
Hildegard became a grandmother at 3:47 a.m. centeral time! It's a boy, 7 lbs. 7.5 ounces, 20 in. long. Mother and baby are doing nicely!

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 11:07 PM


Wednesday, January 17, 2007

The Top 100 Things I'll do when I become Evil Overlady of the World

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

8. After I kidnap the handsome prince, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.

10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum-a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

14. The heroine is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his\her plan into operation.

16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own mother.

20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way-even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcements and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

35. I will continue to shave my legs. In the old days harry legs made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him/her. After all, she/he's my trusted lieutenant.

38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and fetching keys happens to follow him around.

43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the handsome rebel and he claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray his companions if I just let him in on my plans.

44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him/her, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

46. If an advisor says to me "My lady, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want- Ad in the local paper.

50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh PowerBook's.

51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the handsome princes' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

53. If the handsome prince that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill him.

54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable super weapon on them.

73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlady" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en-masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope- bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform such as a train, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

89. After I captures the hero's super weapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.

98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

Broomhilda worshipped the goddess at 4:31 PM

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